Just arrived in Omaha...2.15.2017

And in the past couple of days it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I've realized I really value getting a bit older. Certain things stand out, I don't see red flags in relationships and think, "Oh, what a pretty color," but instead learned to run in the opposite direction. Sometimes not fast enough, but eventually.

I don't discuss my private life a lot, even here. Someone recently told me I'm very vague about things, especially details. And I think that can be more interesting in a way, there's always a question to be asked or answered. Sometimes though, I think vagueness is something that is a bad habit. I can sit here and say that it's about making things interesting, but what it really often is, is hiding. 

I tend to be incredibly neurotic at times. It is undoubtedly one of my worst qualities as a person. I've become so used to thinking about things by myself in this way that letting anything out to most people has become increasingly difficult - even in writing behind a computer screen.  I think this can cause confusion for other people; they don't know what I'm thinking and I never tell. Even when asked. I can come up with a thousand answers besides the one they're looking for. I can string together a series of words that makes some sense, that is maybe related to what I'm thinking, but says nothing of substance about what I'm feeling. I often wonder how common this is. I've been told it implies I have baggage, but that it's also endearing. I can't object much to the first point as it's undoubtedly true, though I question the second...I'm guessing that depends on who judges a given situation.

I like to joke that if I was in a dictionary, next to my name it would say: A bit neurotic all the time, a bit of a cat lady, likes cuddling. Although, and perhaps I can address this in a post soon (which would require more talking about my personal life haha), I think being at least a little neurotic has helped me out a bit in navigating certain relationships. Though, these were doomed to fail from the beginning, I think the neuroticism had no effect on them in a bad way - I once read a book that said neuroticism was one of the main causes of failed relationships. Of course I balked at that and went off on an inner tangent of, well of course not, it's money and sex, what does thinking have to do with it and sometimes you need to think about things and why wouldn't you want to? But, I was probably wrong to balk in hindsight...but I'm not going to go off on a tangent about that.

I arrived in Omaha today, and am currently sitting in a small coffee shop waiting to take the greyhound bus to Lincoln later tonight. I'll be working with a photographer on large format film photos over the next two days before heading back to Omaha for a few days. I have an airbnb in both places, and the new camera I ordered arrived in the mail! So, I'll be shooting self portraits with an actual camera starting this week, and I'm really excited. I was so happy to get it and the remote shutter release - taking photos will be so much simpler at this point as well. I'll even be able to adjust my camera according to the light! Which I haven't been able to do on the iphone app I use for photos now. 

So, I'll be shooting new sets and posting soon.