Act Natural - Ch. 1 (4K words)

Author's Note:

STWL Presents: Santa's Secret Transfic Stash vol. 5 is now available on itch! It contains 19 stories bundled together for $10 (regular price $37.94) https://itch.io/b/2807/stwl-presents-santas-secret-transfic-stash-vol-5

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I'm gonna be posting my story here, chapter by chapter, but if you wanna skip ahead and read the whole thing (and the other 18 great stories!) go grab that bundle babyyyy

My story was written as a gift for Quill Rabbit, based on the prompt:

Short form romance. Two boys in a theater class absolutely hate each other, but when the two are forced to crossdress as girls for a play, they find themselves inexplicably crushing on each other, but only when the other is dressed as a girl. This can be high school or college; the ending can be conclusive or ambiguous.

I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1: Explorations of Stage and Self

GROVER

You can't take college too seriously, y'know?

People hype it up so much, like college is some incredible place that's gonna give your life meaning. God knows that's how my parents always talked about it. My whole school career was all about getting the right grades, the right extracurriculars, the right references to get into the right college. And the embarrassing thing is I actually fell for it! I put my head down and studied until I got accepted into a great school, and then for my whole first year I waited for things to finally click. 

Turns out, college is just the same as anything else. Nobody really knows what they're doing, and none of it matters all that much. It's not gonna magically solve all your problems, it's just another one of the endless hoops we all have to jump through. Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something. Something that's gonna put you hundreds of thousands of dollars in student debt. Woops.

So, yeah. You can't take it too seriously. At the start of my second year I stopped trying to get straight As, and started looking for the easiest classes possible, so I could spend all my free time goofing off. That's how I ended up in Theater 107: Explorations of Stage and Self.

This class was notorious for being easy. The teacher, Professor Lennox, was a total kook. She had been teaching theater for decades, and as soon as she got tenure she started using her classes as an excuse to test out all her crazy theatrical visions. Ostensibly, Theater 107 was meant to “Expand students’ understanding of how self-examination through the lens of fictive identities can resound upon the lived reality of the individual.” Whatever that meant. In practice, it was just an excuse for Lennox to cast all her students in some goofy play she had written herself. The best part was, the class was pass/fail, with no homework, no exams, and no assignments. The only requirements to pass were to attend tutorials (only one hour a week!) and participate in the final performance.

Admittedly, I wasn't much of an actor, but that was fine. I didn't actually have to do a good job, I just had to get up onstage and say my lines. If I even had any lines, that is. A buddy of mine had taken the class last semester, and Lennox cast him as a tree. In fact, she cast the entire class as trees. The whole play was just a bunch of college kids dressed as trees gently waving their arms in the breeze for two and a half hours. No intermission.

Again, hundreds of thousands of dollars in student debt. 

So, yeah, Theater 107 was pretty notorious as a goof-off class, if you needed a couple more credits to fill out your degree. Unfortunately, not everyone in class got the memo. While most of us were content to show up to the rehearsal room and screw around while Professor Lennox tried to explain her bizarre exercises, a couple of students took things too far. They listened to her. They wanted to do a good job. They were actually, I'm gonna puke, taking the class seriously. 

The worst of them was Thomas Macaday. 

“My mother made me mash my mini M&Ms on a Monday morning, ooh-ah,” Thomas sang quietly. He raised his pitch a little higher, “My mother made me mash my mini M&Ms on a Monday morning, ooh-ah!”

I popped an earbud out and gave him a look.

“Hey man, I'm sorry to hear that about your mom,” I said, “But can you go eulogise your candy somewhere else? Some of us are trying to watch a Family Guy Funniest Moments Compilation.”

Thomas glared at me, his weedy green eyes almost flashing red with the force of his rage.

“I'm doing vocal exercises, Grover!” he snapped, “Because I actually care about warming up my instrument!”

I raised an eyebrow, “Tommy, if you're gonna ‘warm up your instrument’, do it in the privacy of your dorm like the rest of us.”

“Grover Lee!” his face went red, and his voice got suddenly strained. Clearly not warmed up enough after all. “That is not what I meant! You know that's not what I meant! That's disgusting!”

I just chuckled to myself. God, if you looked up high-strung in the dictionary, you would find a picture of Thomas Macaday. And the picture would probably have a little speech bubble, saying, “Who gave you permission to use my picture? I didn't say you could put my picture in the dictionary!” 

It was hard to feel too intimidated by him. Sure, Thomas was tall, but he was also as skinny as a rake, with arms as noodley as the awkward mop of ginger hair flopped on top of his head. I wasn't the type of guy who got into fights – nothing was really worth getting that worked up over – but if things ever got physical, I was pretty sure I could pick Thomas up and toss him in the costume room with the rest of the coat racks.

Honestly, the idea was pretty appealing. Thomas and I had been butting heads ever since our first tutorial. Professor Lennox, in typical art professor fashion, had made us go around a circle and share our names and pronouns. I had cracked a joke, something along the lines of "Hey, I'm pretty clearly a dude, but if you wanna call me a beautiful woman I’ll take the compliment”, and Tommy Boy had lost it. He had kicked up a big stink about how I wasn't respecting the class, how I was being a bigot, how the theater was meant to be a safe space for people from all walks of life. I mean, come on, it was just a joke! Obviously if there were any trans people in the class, I would've been cool with it. But there weren't! Anyway, it was pretty rich of Thomas to complain, considering when the circle got to him he went bright red and mumbled so much you could barely make out the ‘he/him’.

Since then I had made it my unofficial goal to annoy Thomas as much as possible. I mean, I wasn’t going out of my way or anything, it wasn't that important. But getting Thomas riled up really didn't take much effort. 

“I'm serious!” Thomas whined, as if his whole body vibrating with fury wasn't enough of a sign, “I know you're only taking this class because it's easy, but I’m here to learn! The least you could do is show some respect for the theatrical arts!”

I was just about to say something really funny (probably using the phrase “theatrical farts”) when I saw another one of my classmates walking up from behind Thomas. Normally I didn't mind making fun of Thomas in front of an audience, but this was no ordinary classmate. This was Ruby Oyama. 

Ruby Oyama was, putting it mildly, the most stunningly beautiful woman who had ever existed on the face of the earth. And that was saying a lot, since I was pretty sure every woman was at least a little bit stunningly beautiful. Everything about her was perfect, from her gleaming white smile, to her glittery dark eyes, to her long, silky hair that fell in chestnut brown waves around her shoulders, with coppery highlights winding through like she was standing in a constant sunbeam. Okay, look, I know I sound like a typical horny college guy, but it wasn't just her looks that made her special (although seriously, wow). She was clever and quick, with a wicked sense of humor, and a magnetic charisma that made everyone who met her desperate for her approval. Besides Thomas, Ruby was the only student who was serious about acting, but for her it actually made sense. If anyone in this class was destined to be a star, it was Ruby Oyama. 

I wanted to make out with her so bad.

Ruby slung her arm around Thomas’s waist and gave me an amused look. 

“Hi, Grover,” she said, “You’re not bugging my good friend Thomas, are you?”

“Wouldn't dream of it,” I winked.

“You better not,” she said, with one eyebrow raised knowingly, “I’d hate for my number one scene partner to get scared off and leave me to perform with a doofus like you.”

“He was bugging me,” Thomas sulked. He had settled down now that his friend was here, but he was still clearly annoyed. 

“In character,” I said, mugging for Ruby, “We were workshopping a new scene. About a guy getting bugged.”

“I love your dedication to the craft, Grover,” Ruby smirked.

“Attention, actors!” a high, booming voice announced. Professor Lennox strode across the floor and took up position atop a chair in the middle of the studio. Ruby and Thomas scrambled to join her, and the rest of our classmates followed less enthusiastically. I rolled my eyes and got my phone out.

“Gather round, O ye noble thespians!” Professor Lennox continued. She gestured wildly with her hands, the sleeves of her oversized cardigan sweeping through the air like the wings of a big wooly bat. “Hark, hark! Do I hear a lark? No! T’is I, Euclidia Lennox, humble servant to the gods of drama, with a message of great import! Exeunt all thoughts of idle things, and entreunt your attention over to me! Grover Lee, that means you!”

The rest of the class turned to me and I shrugged sheepishly. Okay, maybe it would've been better to continue watching my video after checking my earbuds were still connected. 

“After observing you all for the past few weeks of lessons, I have concluded my deliberations! I am now ready to announce this semester's grand production!” Lennox declared. She peered down at us eagerly from atop her improvised stage, her eyes shining with childish glee despite her age. “T’was a difficult challenge this time around, yes indeed. Though I have written some three hundred odd plays in my storied career – and at least another seventy normal plays – I struggled to think of a theatrical conceit that would allow you all to explore that which I feel most needs to be explored. And then I had my stroke of genius. For this semester’s production, you will all portray a character…. of the opposite race!”

Concerned muttering spread throughout the crowd. Professor Lennox raised a hand to silence us.

“Yes, yes, obviously the Department Head told me I couldn't do that,” she said with an exaggerated eyeroll, “T’as t'is always t’way! He said that it was a supremely bad idea and also didn't actually make any sense. Nonetheless, we persevere, as creativity thrives under constraint. Instead, ye shall all portray a character… of the opposite gender!”

There was more concerned muttering, but this time Professor Lennox let it run. She hopped off her chair and handed out copies of her latest masterpiece. As she explained, she had gone for something more traditional this time, a romance-drama in the realist style, which she had titled Where the Ocean Meets The Ocean.

“Your roles have already been assigned,” she declared, “And please, thespians. Strive for naturalism!”

We began reading through the script, with each student reading their characters' lines aloud. My character, an anchovy heiress named Serena, seemed to be in it a lot. On the one hand, this kinda sucked, because it meant I actually had to pay attention. On the other hand, Thomas’s character, a lowly maidservant named Maude, didn’t seem to be in the play at all, and he was clearly extremely jealous of how much I got to speak. Every page that went by without an appearance from Maude, I could see Thomas getting madder and madder. That was fun. 

The other silver lining popped up near the end of Act 3. I was sleepwalking my way through another Serena-heavy scene, mindlessly reading out my lines while gazing dreamily at Ruby across the circle. She had a big role too, a roughneck fisherman named Duncan, and she was delivering all her lines with a fierce intensity and a gleaming light in her eyes. She was so cool, even if she was trying a bit hard. Professor Lennox coughed, and I realised that we had reached a big Serena monologue. 

“Oh, brother,” I muttered under my breath. I heard Thomas scoff, and I flashed him a smug look, puffed up my chest, and delivered my lines in the highest, squeakiest falsetto I could manage. Hey, if I was playing a girl, I might as well go all out, right?

“You have hurt me!” I screeched, “In the months since we met I have felt like a ship tossed upon a storm! Although the gale comes not from without, but from within!”

I shrieked my way through the monologue, to chuckles from the class. God, it was wordy. By the time I reached the end, my throat was sore and Thomas’s face was screwed up with fury. 

“...but I know that I love you!” I squealed, “That! Is! Enough!”

“Duncan and Serena kiss passionately,” announced Professor Lennox. 

My eyes just about popped out of my head. Sure enough, there it was in the stage directions. I actually got to kiss Ruby Oyama! Okay, it was in character as a woman, but it was the perfect icebreaker to finally ask her out. If we were gonna be kissing onstage, why not get some practice in real life? 

Professor Lennox coughed again, and I realised Serena had another line. I eagerly made eye contact with Ruby, but for some reason she was glaring back at me, looking about the opposite of how I felt. Still, I blew her a kiss, fluttered my eyelashes, and trilled, “I’d like nothing more than to be your wife!”

A few of my fellow students giggled, and I grinned at Ruby. She gave me a dirty look and pointedly turned away. I furrowed my brow, not understanding why she was so angry. Alright, maybe I wasn’t that much of a catch, but I always thought we had kind of a fun, flirty banter. Had I really misread the signs that bad?

The scene ended a few lines later, and the next scene was the very first appearance of Maude. I sighed, preparing myself for another overly serious performance from Thomas. I wasn’t expecting what happened next, though. 

“Oh, Mister Smith, did you hear the news?” a young woman called out with mischievous glee, “They say the mistress has become engaged to a dirty young man from down at the docks. A fisherman with firm calloused hands and burly arms. If a roughneck like that can marry the mistress, who’s to say a maid like me can’t become the Queen of Prussia?”

I stared at Thomas in disbelief, then glanced around the circle in case I had missed a new student. The voice I had just heard was unmistakably a girl’s voice, but it didn’t belong to any of the girls in our class. I would’ve remembered if any of them sounded like that. Her voice was light and airy with an undercurrent of working-class grit, as sweet as the breeze through an apple orchard, but with a hidden cheeky sting, like, I don’t know, a wasp eating one of the apples. It was a voice that feigned wide-eyed innocence while hinting at sultry seduction. It was, basically, an extremely sexy voice. 

And it had come out of Thomas’s mouth.

If Thomas noticed me gawping at him, he didn’t show it. He was too engrossed in the script, and delivered the rest of his lines with that same gorgeous girly voice. After a while I just had to try and ignore him. It was way too freaky. 

Fortunately, the play wrapped up a couple scenes later, and so did the tutorial. Professor Lennox instructed us to start learning our lines by our next class, and we began heading out. I scooted on over to Ruby. She was packing up her stuff, and I saw she had a whole bunch of pens and highlighters she had been using to make notes on her script. She didn’t seem enthused to see me approach, but I figured I might as well give it a shot anyway. You couldn't take romance too seriously, either.

“Hey Ruby,” I smiled, “Looks like we’re playing love interests.”

“Looks like,” she muttered.

“So, I was thinking, y’know,” I felt my confidence waver but tried to push through, “Maybe we might as well get to know each other better? You seem pretty chill, and it could be fun to hang out or whatever.”

She dropped her bag and straightened up, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me in revulsion. 

“Okay, first of all, that’s the absolute weakest way anyone has ever tried to pick me up,” she said, “And second, if you think I have any interest in you after that piece-of-crap performance you just gave, you’re out of your mind.”

“Whoa, what?” I said, “You didn’t like my performance?”

Ruby snorted. Somehow, when she did it, it was cute. 

“Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t puke,” she said, “I don’t know if you noticed, Grover, but acting isn’t some stupid game to me. This is what I want to do with my life. And if you were actually paying attention to the script, you would’ve realised that Serena is an incredible role. The kind of role I would love to play someday. But instead of giving her the respect she deserves, instead of even trying to give a naturalistic performance, you did a stupid, over-the-top caricature that was insulting to me not only as an actress, but as a woman. So, no. I don’t want to get to know you better. You just showed me everything I need to see.”

She slung her bag over her shoulder and turned to leave in a beautiful huff.

“Wait!” I said, “What if I tried to do better?”

She paused, intrigued. I stumbled over my words, making things up as I went along. What was I talking about? Trying to do better? This class was marked on participation!

“I just got… nervous,” I said. Ruby arched a delicate eyebrow and I plunged onward, “You’re right, Serena is an amazing role, and I was worried I wasn’t going to do her justice. So I… I wimped out. But I can do better, I swear. I’m gonna rehearse really hard, and, uh, get an acting coach, and I’m gonna give you a performance so naturalistic, you won’t even believe it.”

I gave Ruby my biggest, brightest smile. She tried to keep up her glare, but she couldn’t stop her mouth from twisting into a smirk. 

“You’re supposed to make me believe it, you doofus,” she said, “Ugh. Alright. Usually I don’t give guys a second chance, but… you are kinda cute. I’m not gonna go out with you…”

My face fell, but she held up a finger.

“...yet,” she said, “Nothing personal, but this wouldn’t be the first time a guy has lied to get me to agree to a date. Besides, I’m too busy right now. I’ve got a bunch of commercial auditions coming up and I really, really want to do a good job. So… you go practice. Do better. And when you think you can give a really good, naturalistic performance as a woman, ask me again. If you’ve impressed me enough, maybe I’ll say yes.”

“And… if I don’t?” I asked.

“You’re not getting a third chance,” Ruby smirked, “Seeya, Serena.”

She strutted out of the room, leaving me to grapple with what I had just agreed to. 

Somehow I had gotten myself back into the same trap I had been in for my entire school career. In a class I had deliberately chosen to give myself the minimum amount of work possible, I had just agreed to spend a whole bunch of my own free time working on an assignment that wasn’t even marked. This was going to mean hours of work, hours of, ugh, studying, and what was it even for? Not money. Not college credit. No, my only reward was a second chance to maybe make out with a beautiful woman. 

Now that I thought about it in the cold light of day… I had definitely made the right decision.

Still, it was a pretty daunting task. How was I meant to make my performance seem natural when I was playing a woman? I wasn’t even an actor, let alone a girl! I had been talking out of my ass when I mentioned hiring an acting coach, but it was starting to seem like a really good idea. But where was I supposed to find someone like that?

I turned around and bumped right into Thomas Macaday. 

“Watch it!” he snapped, “And can you hurry up and leave already? I want to talk to Professor Lennox, and I don’t need you hanging around making dumb jokes.”

I was just about to hang around and make a dumb joke (I still had “theatrical farts” locked and loaded) when I remembered that incredible girly voice Thomas had used during readthrough. So unexpected. So beautiful. So… natural. 

“God damn it,” I sighed, “Thomas, I need you to be my acting coach.”

“What?” he scowled, “Stop kidding around, Grover. It’s not funny, as usual.”

“I’m serious,” I said, wincing as the word left my lips, “I want to do a good job at this. I was thinking about it, and I realised that Serena is an incredible role. The type of role that a lot of actresses would love to play. I want to give her the respect she deserves. And I need your help.”

Thomas stared at me in shock. I could see the emotions warring on his face. His hatred of me, versus his love for the theater. His eye twitched. 

“I swear, I’ll do whatever you tell me,” I said, laying it on extra thick. My chances of hooking up with Ruby were in his hands. “I’ll even do your stupid vocal warmups. My mom starts every week by making me grind candy into a fine powder, presumably to snort it, ooh-ah.”

“That’s not how it goes,” Thomas said.

“See? I’m already learning,” I grinned, “I knew you’d be good at this.”

“Far out,” Thomas sighed, “Alright. Fine. I’ll do it. You’re right, Professor Lennox worked hard on this script, and she deserves a cast who can do it justice. Even if her casting decisions are objectively insane.”

“Hell yes,” I said, “So, what’s the plan? You wanna come by my dorm, or…”

“Rehearsal Room 6, Friday nights, seven o’clock to nine-thirty,” Thomas said briskly.

“Whoa, two and a half hours seems a bit excessive,” I said, “And on a Friday night? That’s prime party time.”

“Friday nights,” said Thomas, “If you wanna get this right, it’s gonna take a lot more than one lesson.”

I hesitated. Giving up my Friday nights was crazy. But then, Ruby was crazy too. Crazy hot.

“Deal,” I said, “I’ll see you Friday.” 

What can I say? Typical horny college guy. I was helpless when pretty girls were involved.