lavender haze
Added 2022-12-10 20:47:11 +0000 UTCI have so many ideas, but so much trouble getting them started...does anyone else struggle with this? I think this "frozen" feeling is the primary symptom I experience with depression. I started taking ADHD medicine which has helped a lot actually, but I hate to be so dependent on something like that. And while it helps, it's not a miracle either.
I had this conversation with a friend recently that made me realize something. She asked me, what if I'm not special like you? What if I don't have something unique to say or offer this world?
I told her I think I have the opposite problem...I blindly believe I still have something special to say, whether that's true or not. Fake it til you make it?
The contrast is so interesting to me. I'm not more special than her, I'm not smarter or more talented. I am, however, less afraid. That confidence and risk-taking makes a big difference.
But...what if this is it? I feel like a lot of models have the other "real" thing they want to do. Like they are studying to be a neuroscientist. Or a veterinarian, a dancer, a photographer, a doctor, or a mother.
This was my "other" thing, and now it's the main thing. But what more do I have to say? Am I just blindly believing there's something more in me to create? Something worth asking the world to watch, or listen...
I think that blind belief is double-sided, in that it continues to give me hope and self worth. But, that it also may...unwarranted, and my internal pressure to "make something great" is intense and exhausting. The fear of disappointing myself in this matter, of being wrong, literally keeps me up at night. I still think even false confidence may be a better side to be on, but I'm still figuring it out.
Comments
Erin, what you say resonates with me in a big way. Lifelong depression and an ADHD diagnosis three years ago had put me in an unenviable headspace. I agree that medication isn't a miracle cure, but in addressing the symptoms, it can help clear the fog and allow us to clearly look at things and keep moving forward. ADHD meds in particular have been a real godsend for me, enabling me to retain focus long after the dopamine has evaporated. You give so much of yourself in your art, you make a very real difference, and the world is a better place for your presence in it. Thank you for sharing your journey, we're cheering you on.
Matt Austin
2022-12-12 00:13:26 +0000 UTCAnother great lyric: “You don’t have to sharpen yourself/you’re imbedded deep as it is” - Robyn Hitchcock You’re a rare bird in that you create great content, here and on your OF page, but also some truly beautiful and inspiring work thru some of your more artistic photo shoots. You are a rare beauty who is thoughtful and creative, and incredibly sexy all at once ❤️
Grey Grey
2022-12-11 15:00:32 +0000 UTCThere's a Leonard Cohen lyric: "I was always workin' steady but I never called it art". That line is a lot of comfort to me, as someone who often sabotages my own creative work because I don't think it's good enough. Cohen's line is a very Zen perspective. Whether you make something great or not is, in some respects, beyond your control. Do the work.
David Witteveen
2022-12-10 22:37:03 +0000 UTC
