A Quick Thank You/Acknowledgment

Hey, earlier today a chain of particular aggravations led me to a bit of a crisis which I vented out on twitter, in what I feel was a fairly reckless and irresponsible way - I have a lot of anxieties about how I evaluate my own self-worth and so my relationship to my audience is something I think about probably way too much, but I also never want to give the impression people should feel guilted into some kind of weird parasocial thing, and I think I was too emotional at the time to really focus on putting that across. These are things I authentically feel and worry about, but I don't want to make people uncomfortable and certainly not people who have genuine concern for me.

I say this as sort of a pre-amble because today we got a ton of new Patrons and I understand there's likely a connection there. I just want to say ahead of time, if anybody came over more as a show of general solidarity and not because you actually feel financially secure enough to do so, please feel free to duck out at any time by all means. This goes to anyone else who has continued to support me over the last few months: Please please please, don't get yourself into any trouble on my account. The gesture itself speaks volumes, and I promise I will take it to heart. Regardless, I'd like to give everyone a huge thank you for this growth in support in light of all this. 

I often think about the sentiment that we'd sooner forget 100 positive interactions than 1 negative, and increasingly I feel like that rings true for me. As YouTube and social media have become more and more fundamental not just to my hobbies but my lifestyle in general, I can feel my dependence on validation in those areas rise - and so too does my frustration with any indication of disapproval or indifference, sometimes to the point of obsession. These reactions of mine are a result of many life experiences and circumstances, but they're also something fundamentally internal; it is not anybody's responsibility, certainly not my fans, to humor or coddle or 'fix' my issues. At the same time, I recognize thinking only in this way might make it even easier for me to skip over the good stuff, the wonderful messages people send me or the supportive gestures I often get - I end up tricking myself into feeling bad because people are going out of their way to be nice.

Ultimately, whatever I need to deal with can only be dealt with by me - as I've already discovered, any external change only affects the parameters of my own expectations. But for the rest of the night, I'm going to sit here and for once try to think more about the 100 positive things than the 1 negative - and for that, again, you all have my gratitude and appreciation.

Stay safe, love you all

xoxoxo