Cold Heat (Poem)

When I sent Therianthropic Dreams out to my writing group, I included some poems I liked, but weren't sure I wanted to include in the book. Of the five poems I offered as supplemental material, three ended up in the book, one was rejected, and the last one, this poem, didn't fit the tone of the book. I also decided that since this was written in first person, it wouldn't be appropriate for the chapbook. So much of the the book deals with my personal emotions, and this one, which is its own story, isn't a personal story of mine.

I originally wrote this back in 2013.

I remember.

I remember what others would have forgotten.

It has been three years, but…I don’t believe that—

Yesterday, he was here just yesterday.

I can still feel his touches; his paws rubbing over me.

Yesterday we woke up laughing together, I swear,

or did I just dream we did?

Sometimes, I wish I still knew.

It was supposed to be simple; go out and pick up a pizza.

It takes just five minutes to get there,

a short jaunt through town,

not three years.

I catch just the faintest whiff of his scent and I shudder.

Please, my love, wrap your cold heat around me,

make me the fox I love to be.  The fox I am.

You will be home soon, yes?

They say he didn’t feel anything—

when the drunk slammed into his car and took my yote away.

I hope he didn’t,

but I think they tell you that to make you feel better.

Friends tell me I could find someone else, that I’m a handsome fox

and I would, if I could forget about him,

but I woke up today thinking he was still here,

that his paws still run over my body, shifting down through my fur.

I so wish I could see him again,

Just us, together.

I just…don’t know…

If there is something beyond this for us.

No matter what I do, when I feel my darkest, I still feel him,

his paws stroking over my hardness, whispering to me

driving my passions high, my longing, my need—

If only...

Our bodies bound together, his tongue in my ear,

His knot in me, under my tail, filling me.

He made me feel so warm when we were together,

but I am alone with my remembrances and his ghost.

Those warm touches, those long nights—

it was yesterday, I am sure of it now, and yet, he is gone.

Even now, I can feel him wrapping himself around me,

telling me he still loves me…

Specter of my past, ghost of my lost love…

please stay, and haunt me, for it is all I have left of you,

and if I can’t see you again, at least you are in my dreams.

I remember, and I cannot forget.