The Magnificent Portal Pussy™

Warning: Features slapstick ballbusting, castration, and generally weird vibes

            The camera slowly zoomed toward a man and a woman having sex on a broad white bed. The bed sat in the middle of a white, sterile bedroom lit with glaring studio lights. The ceiling was too high, and the room was too large, making everything look artificial and dream-like.

            The man thrusted into her, grunting and panting. Only a white blanket covered his ass, lifting and slamming down like a piston. His tanned back muscles rippled and dripped with sweat. His arms were taut, the muscles around his forearms coiling. His hands gripped the woman’s lifted legs, clutching her flabby calves, which bounced and shuddered with each thrust. The woman frowned at her boyfriend’s crazed animal fucking. The curls of her hair were tight and perfect. Her makeup was pristine, not a single bead of sweat on her face. A sheet modestly covered her up to her collarbones.

            The narrator spoke, a booming, smarmy, salesman’s voice from the heavens.

            “LADIES, ARE YOU TIRED OF YOUR MAN GETTING TOO ROUGH IN THE BEDROOM?”

            The camera had zoomed in far enough for a closeup. The woman craned her head around her boyfriend’s broad back and looked right into the camera with an exaggerated pout.

            “I love my man,” she said, placing unnatural emphasis on every other syllable. “But sometimes he doesn’t listen to MY needs.”

            “WELL DO WE HAVE THE PRODUCT FOR YOU!! WITH THE MAGNIFICENT PORTAL PUSSY™, YOU CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON!”

            A hand with long acrylic nails reached in from off camera and handed the woman a tiny lilac remote control with one red button.

            She pressed it and it made a little chirping “Beep-Bleep” sound like a car lock.

            “EEEIIAAAAAGGHHGGGG!!!” the boyfriend suddenly screamed, a deep horrified scream of loss. He stopped thrusting and fell out of her legs. He clutching the sheet covering him in a bundle to his crotch, exposing his sweaty asscrack and muscular asscheeks in the process. His eyes ricocheted around the room, searching desperately. His lips quivered. The woman just looked at him with raised eyebrows, almost concerned.

            “MY DICK!!! OH GOD THEY TOOK MY @#$%#ING MY DICK!!” he shouted, his expletives beeped out for television.

            “THAT’S RIGHT!” the narrator cheered. “WITH THE MAGNIFICENT PORTAL PUSSY™, IF YOU DON’T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE GOING IN THE BEDROOM, YOU CAN JUST TELEPORT HIS DICK INTO SPACE!”

            “SPACE!?!!” the boyfriend shrieked.

            The camera cut away to satellite footage. The planet earth, in all its majesty, filled the background. But, in the foreground, the boyfriend’s magically castrated cock spun through space. It was still engorged, fat, and thick, glistening with his girlfriend’s juices. It was pixelated, censored for this television commercial, but you could still see the contrast between the color of his shaft and the darker head of his penis. Little droplets of precum and sweat fell from his dick’s spinning surface and floated in space.

            The camera cut back to the couple.

            “WELL BRING IT BACCCK!” the boyfriend wailed. The girlfriend played with the portal pussy remote, turning it around absently in her hand.

            “NO CAN DO BUDDY! THE PORTAL PUSSY ONLY GOES ONE WAY!!!” the narrator answered him.

            “WHAAATT!!” the boyfriend said, a cross between a gasp and a shout, all of the air exiting his shuddering, tense, dismembered body.

            “THAT’S WHY EVERY PORTAL PUSSY COMES WITH ONE STRAP-ON FOR HIM™!!”

            The manicured hand reached out from off camera again and unceremoniously dropped a harness onto the bed. The boyfriend picked it up, his eyes crossing in horror to look at the veiny lilac dildo fastened to the front of the harness.

            The camera cut to footage of the Strap-on For Him™ spinning in front of a white background.

            “A $20 VALUE, ABSOLUTELY FREE WITH EACH PURCHASE!!”

            “I don’t… it feels kind of tight…”

            The camera cut back to the boyfriend, now wearing the Strap-on For Him™. It was held in place by a leather belt-like band around his waist. A second band with the dildo fastened to it ran from the front of the harness down over his balls and back up between his asscheeks like a thong. The dildo rested where his unfortunate cock used to be and below it his ball sack, which they didn’t bother to censor, was squeezed tight by the thong-like band. It dug into the hairy greasy skin of his nuts; each fat testicle was forced, squished to either side of the band in an awful ballbusting wedgie.

            “NONSENSE TIGER! JUMP BACK IN THERE, BUT NOW REMEMBER WHO'S IN CHARGE!!”

            With a gleeful sadistic grin, the girlfriend grabbed him by around the waist and pulled him back into the bed. The plastic dildo bumped into her crotch under her blanket, and the boyfriend’s eyes immediately widened with sudden sharp, strength-sapping pain, the impact of the dildo making the harness dig even tighter into his nuts.

            “Oughh… god…” he muttered. He tried to pull away from her, but the girlfriend’s legs, like the snaping claws of a crustacean, reached out. Her left leg hooked around his waist, and her right leg hooked over his shoulder.

            She tightened her grip, the drawing his new plastic cock into the greedy warm wet maw of her pussy. Face twisting, wincing with ballbusting pain, he tried to pull away, but her legs tightened and drew him back, transforming his whimpering struggles into slow, gliding thrusts across the wet, needy surfaces of her glowing insides.

            “There! Just like that! Slower!” she laughed.

            The girlfriend leaned back, her titled, beaming face looking right at the camera.

            “Thank you, Portal Pussy™!!!”

            “BUT CALL RIGHT NOW AND AS A BONUS WE’LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER!!” the narrator exclaimed. “JUSTPAYSHIPPINGANDHANDLING! YOU GET TWO PORTAL PUSSYS™ AND TWO STRAP-ONS FOR HIM!!! A $100 VALUE FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF $19.99! THAT’STWOPORTALPUSSYSTWOSTRAPONSFORTHEUNBEATABLEPRICEOF$19.99!!!!!”

            The narrator continued, speaking faster and faster. You could hear the spittle spraying off his frenzied lips and splattering onto the microphone, the sound of his manic screaming drowning out the boyfriend’s sobbing whimpers and the girlfriend’s voice, now bleating out over the top, fake porno moans. Her body twisted dramatically with each of his pained thrusts.

            “OUUUU!!! AAHHH!! YESSHH!! YESSHH! RIGHT THERRREE!”