21st Move: Sacrificial Offering

21st Move: Sacrificial Offering

Slowpoke Well Outskirts, Johto.

Call me James Bonsly. 

Because, the way I was blending in with the bushes and bark, my enemies couldn’t see the forest for the me. I’d even removed my shoes and sock to improve my stealth.

Team Rocket’s most infamous trio remained entirely oblivious to my presence as I snuck up behind them. Jessie, James, and Meowth were otherwise too busy scrounging inside the trousers of the other poor Rocket grunt Tuki had incapacitated earlier. “This loser ain’t got nuttin’ but lint linin’ his pockets!” Meowth loudly complained after he failed to purloin anything.

Can’t say I was in any way surprised. No honour among thieves, after all. 

Dignity was a lost concept to them, too. “Surely, he must have something we can take.” I watched as James and Jessie yanked off his pants. Each of them grabbed the hem of one trouser leg and actually tried to shake it empty. 

Only a single, measly Pokeball fell and rolled next to where his legs were flopped. “Useless! No wonder he’s just a grunt.” Jessie angrily balled up the pair of standard-issue black slacks and tossed them in a nearby bush.

It dawned on me that this was, even inadvertently, the third thug I’d left bottomless. 

Evidently, I had quite the affinity for exploding Rockets. Now let’s see if that talent extends towards more than just the street-level goons. With one final breath, I steadied my nerve and filled my lungs with air to boom out my dramatic entrance. “Prepare for trouble!” 

It was pure amusement to watch as all three abruptly shot to attention as soon as their motto was bellowed—regardless of by whom.

Their immediate response was pavlovian - no conscious thought. Bodies just moved. “And make it double!” Both Jessie and James duetted that bit, and I let them carry out the rest of the chorus—at least until my turn came up.

“To protect the world from devastation!” Jessie shouted out to a crowd that wasn’t there. Except, of course, for crippled Kurt hidden not too far away from here.

“To unite all peoples within our nation!” James also crooned out.

“To denounce the evils of truth and love!” Jessie dynamically swung her arm, stepped forward, and planted her heel on the fainted, twitching thug’s butt below her. I knew a few people who’d pay some serious Pokédollars to be in that position. Good thing Brock wasn’t here.

“To extend our reach to the stars above!” James, meanwhile, conjured a rose from somewhere, planted the stem between his teeth, and posed next to her.

“Jessie!”

“James!”

Throughout their reflexive recital, I crept closer and closer as they stood shoulder-to-shoulder. So absorbed were they in their own performance, neither noticed as I intruded. I hooked each of their necks in the crook of my elbow as I slung my arms across their backs. The pair probably attributed the dangling arm to the other.

“Uki!” Successfully ensconced as part of their concert, I gave myself the credit I was due for directing this entire charade.

“Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare to fight!” Three distinct voices harmonized perfectly.

Until the cat was out of the bag. “Meowth—! Waidaminute… something ain’t right!”

Kricketots weren’t native to the forest surrounding Azalea, but I imagine they’d be chirping up a storm during the sudden awkward silence. 

Three hyper-wide sets of shocked eyes gawked at their reflection, glinting off a cheshire-cat grin. Here’s a clue: Meowth wasn’t the one smiling. Bursting into action after their momentary lapse, Jessie and James attempted to brush me off of them to escape. Meanwhile, Meowth instead spiked his sharp claws and lunged to impale my shin.

Boosting my body with aura augmentation, I retaliated accordingly. 

The two humans, with judicious use of my bulging biceps around their creaking torsos, “Grrgh!” “Gah-!” were gently mashed to my sides. “Mroar!” The attacking Pokémon, however, safely sailed under my raised leg. Except for the tail, which was quickly pulped beneath my stamping foot. 

“C-can someone please tell me why there’s man hands touching my beautiful body?” James’ voice roiled in disgust.

“Let go of me, you damn dirty Primeape!” Jessie continued to frantically struggle in my clutches.

“I will, I will. I promise I will, but first I need you lot to hear me out.” 

Jessie had been right to name me the epithet she had. Ultimately, I was here to cause monkey business, and little else. 

My approach with these three trouble Magnemites was simple, if unconventional. Could I have unleashed my team on them to commence the countdown for their eventual stratospheric launch? Sure. But any protracted battle with them risked a couple major points of critical failure.

Arceus only knew what robotic monstrosity they had waiting in the wings to meddle with Ash and co. Seeing as I had been tasked by the aforementioned Pokémon God to help secure the Slowpoke and oust the Rockets, it was only prudent I physically lock these three down.

Didn’t need their Pikachu fixation throwing more than just a wrench into the rescue effort. 

Which was also the second reason I’d kept my team concealed. 

My Pokémon were special; neither did I intend that in the same way every trainer likely did. Objectively, they each had unique qualities—my alpha Pikipek exemplified it most. I didn’t want to tempt them to transfer even a fraction of their obsessions on me and my team. 

So, “yeowth, my precious tail!” Much to Meowth’s chagrin, I was quick on my feet with alternative strategies. A tried, true, and much reviled tactic. 

Stall.

“I’m here to submit an application.” I nonsensed a non sequitur.

“If you’re applying for a boyfriend position, you can save it. You’re not handsome enough to qualify.” James‘ overflowing self-esteem rejected me, as well as reality.

“He was talking to me, you gender-confused Jynx!” Jessie, sharing the same lonely brain cell with her partner, also received the same misconstrued wavelength. 

“Keep dreaming.” James shot her a look of pity and confidently whipped his hair in my face. 

I knew I said I wanted to delay them, but at this rate we’d all be stuck here until we accidentally retired as an old polyamorous throuple. 

Admittedly, exactly half of me might enjoy that. 

I craned my neck back to discover that Jessie’s hairstyle wasn’t the only part of her that protruded prodigiously behind her. My penchant for sinister women with purple hair threatened to bite the both of us on our butts. 

Shaking off my Alolan flashback, and setting my frightful fetish aside, I returned to the matter at hand. “Actually, I’m here to sign-up as a member of team Rocket.”

The scales under my arms tipped as I sensed the tension in James’ figure drain when I said that; while Jessie crossed her arms and raised her hackles in genuine affront. “Hmph! Is that all? Stop wasting our time then. You’ll have better luck flogging your resume in Mahogany town.” Any notion of op-sec leaked out of her pouting lips.

“Good to know.” It wasn’t. I wished I’d never heard that. “But I’m sure it’d help my prospects for promotion if I could get a recommendation letter from the foremost idols of the organization. Here, allow me to demonstrate my proficiency.” Lifting off Meowth in a sign of truce, I reached my bare foot over, and toed the release function of the discarded Pokéball on the ground. The ball blinked lights after ten seconds of holding the button down, permanently freeing the Zubat inside—who upon realising its shackles were off, took flight into the forest without further thought. “One Pokémon officially stolen. Aren’t I proactive?”

“Hate to break it to ya, toots.” Meowth mewled out his gangster moll as he rubbed his swollen appendage. “But dat Zubat you released dere was one of ours. Kinda doin’ da opposite of what ya oughta do.”

“Ah… whoops?” I apologized without an ounce of honest remorse.

“Don’t be in such a rush to dismiss him, Meowth. Isn’t it the thought that counts? Compared to the bulk of team Rocket’s dwindling forces, he’s shown incentive at the very least.” James continued to throw me for a serious loop as he endorsed me out of nowhere. “It’s okay, newbie. My first forays into the criminal underworld weren’t any better. I can show you the ropes—”

“—The only ropes you clowns will see is the noose I’m gonna tie around your throats!” Apparently, I’d also been struck dumb with their infectious stupidity, because my job interview had been invaded without any of us the wiser. “You idiots better explain, or you’ll end up like this old corpse!”

An enraged Rocket executive marched on us while dragging a comatose Kurt behind him. A jolt of worry pierced through me until I saw Kurt surreptitiously peek through a squint before quickly winking shut again. Cowardly Kurt.

“Woah, Proton, take it easy! Get any angrier and you’ll have smoke coming out of your ears.” James brushed off the death threat. He must get a lot of them.

Jessie proved slightly more observant than him. “Actually, now that I get a better look, you are a little singed.”

True enough, once I got past the volcanic vein throbbing on his forehead, I saw the soot-stained uniform and smouldering hair. 

“Yes, I am. You know why? Because two gym leaders and some pyromaniac squirt ransacked our entire operation inside the well—where you were supposed to provide backup, by the way! What in Mewtwo’s name were you doing!?”

Catching on to the Rocket executive’s turbulent temper, the four of us in his line-of-sight shared self-preservative clarity through a fleeting conspiratorial look, and answered in unison.

 ““““Recruitment.””””

That obvious fib was the straw that broke the Numel’s back. “The boss might forgive your incompetence, but nuh-uh, not me! This heist’s been blown to smithereens, so you will be too! Koffing!” As Proton expanded his Pokéball, our stifled scrum turned into a sincere group hug. Jessie, James, and even Meowth latched fearfully onto me, because even we were smart enough to comprehend what Proton’s next command would be. “Self Destru—gyah!”

“Leave my grampa alone!” I’ve stated this before and I’ll reiterate; starters and their trainers always resembled each other the most. As everyone goggled when April and her sledgehammer descended on Proton’s spine with the power of a rampaging Tinkaton, I vowed to myself that I’d gift April a well deserved Tinkatink as her first ever partner Pokémon. 

April’s unforeseen blitz sent Proton into a mouth-frothing fit. 

“Good show, girly! Smack yer grandpa one of ‘em, too. My backs conked out ‘n I can’t get up!” Kurt miraculously exited his self-imposed coma and took advantage of the situation.

I capitalized on the situation, as well. “The cavalry’s here!” Peeling the trio off me, I dove for Proton’s Pokéball. Standing guard in front of the Rockets, I feigned a kamikaze attack on April dutifully walloping Kurt, and Naoko who slunk out of the shadows. “Take the exec and escape. I’ll hold them off by myself!”

“Newbie, don’t!” James melodramatically stretched his hand out at me, while Jessie and Meowth rushed to collect their collapsed higher-up.

I shot them a resolute smirk and a thumbs up in final farewell. “Forget about me.” Please do, I insist. “This is my destiny. You guys have a longer life yet to live.”

Their voices turned audibly wobbly. “Looks like team Rocket’s blasting off again!” A trail of glittering tears followed in the wake of their phony retreat.

“Yeah! You better skedaddle!” Kurt’s waving fist might’ve been more intimidating had he not been feebly leaning on his fretting granddaughter.

“Phew! They bought it.” Once I was comfortable they were out of earshot, I sighed in relief. Koffing was also released, “Union cave is that way. You’re free.” It tossed me a dopey smile before bobbing off in my suggested direction.

“How wonderfully resourceful of you, Uki!” Naoko swanned forward while praising me. I appreciated it, but was more concerned about why they were here at all.

“Not that I’m ungrateful for your timely interception, but I told you to stay put for your own safety. What are you two doing here?” 

Naoko giggled in that suppressed geisha-esque way with her fingers delicately veiling her lips. Her delight was palpably condescending—like a mother patiently patronizing her particularly dimwitted child. 

“I am far beyond the need for your worry, young Uki.” A dream ball, visibly enveloped in an orb of pink energy, floated out of her loose sleeve. A majestic Espeon puffed into existence. “As for my presence…?” Both the Pokémon and its trainer’s eyes flashed in suffused psychic aura. “Let us merely call it a premonition.” She beckoned us to follow her as she strolled towards the well proper. “Now, come along. I believe we shall be of valuable assistance elsewhere.”