On Pushing The Boundaries Of Your Partner.

Recently I read a post that got me thinking about boundaries and pushing them. The writer, quite rightly, pointed out that we make challenging limits and pushing boundaries seem like a wondrous state that we should all aspire towards especially in d/s relationships. We also do make it seem like the right partner will just know the perfect moment to push a limit (side note: I'm lifting a few sentences from her writing for reference here) and then suddenly something magic will happen to make you realize that your hard limits didn't really need to be. And your relationship will only grow into perfection if you push boundaries. 

In my experience though, all of this is false. 

Imagine, if you will, this situation. I have a serious hard limit when it comes to anal penetration of any sort. Say I was playing with someone, let's call this person *Scarecrow* (for kicks). Scarecrow and I have known each other for a couple of years and we have played together a few times. Scarecrow ties me up and starts to beat me with a curling iron (because why not?). I'm enjoying myself. Scarecrow is too. We're connecting and bonding and I'm slipping into a non-responsive state which is quite common for me when it comes to impact play. At this time Scarecrow decides to put their fingers inside me. While doing so he starts to touch me in my butthole (trying very hard to keep this clinical, butthole is the technical term yes?) and I like the soft touching. Scarecrow takes this to mean that I want their fingers inside my butthole and proceeds to insert them. I respond as one might when faced with a situation one doesn't want to be in and I end the scene. Later, Scarecrow tells me they were only trying to push my limits. I'm pissed off as fuck and considering taking action against this person and obviously I will never play with them again. 

Now imagine this other situation. My partner and I are playing together. We've been together for a couple of years and we've been living together for a year. We love each other and have a rich dynamic together, as well as a normal life together outside the bedroom (or kitchen, or living room, or toilet.. you get it). Now partner and I are playing and it's exactly the same scene as before. He ties me up, beats me with a curling iron and then starts to put his fingers in places. When his fingers get to my butthole, I tense up and probably protest but he decides to keep going. I don't end the scene. Maybe I struggle or maybe I scream or maybe I cry but I don't end the scene. Nor am I mad at him after. I feel violated but I accept that he can do that to me. 

I know what you expect, you expect that I'll say that the right partner makes all the difference in the world. Except it's not necessarily the *right* partner who can get away with pushing limits. It's a partner you wouldn't call the cops on. Or walk out on because of the infraction. 

Because the truth is that pushing limits is not always this wonderful magical thing that makes you grow as partners and people. No, it's not. Each time you do it, you're risking fucking up both your relationship and your life as you know it. Each time there is the potential for things to go very wrong. Every time you do something to your partner that you know s/he doesn't like or is seriously triggered by, you're taking a risk that may have serious consequences. Of course, you can still do it despite knowing this but pretending that it isn't what it is, is a little bit immature. 

See chances are that your limit-pushing relationship is very healthy and loving so even after going through something traumatic, it doesn't seem damaging to your relationship but loving relationships aren't the only ones where your boundaries are pushed. The same thing is also true of abusive relationships. For instance, my ex claimed to push my limits all the time and he could because he knew I would never call the cops on him. He wasn't able to do it because I loved him (though I did) or he loved me or we have a safe trusting relationship. That is not always the case. He was able to do it because he told me he would and under the garb of dynamic I was accepting of it. He was able to do it because I created an environment where violating me would be consequence free for him and any emotional damage I suffered because of it was my problem. Not his. Of course this is not to say that pushing boundaries is necessarily abuse but since him I'm a bit wary of partners who claim they want to push my boundaries. I can't start there because I don't know if that's something that is an innocent part of a dynamic or a predator masquerading as a kinkster. I'm wary of having my limits challenged and I would go so far as to advocate that. 

But even if it is not an abusive or coercive relationship, pushing boundaries is not pretty. It's not even magical. Most often it's painful and makes you relive past trauma. See limits don't just appear overnight nor are they casual for most people. I can't stand anal penetration because of the years and years of being forced to take it. So everytime someone ventures close to the area my guard goes up and I am almost instantly triggered by what is happening. And even in a loving, healthy relationship with the right partner, it will not end in smiles and rainbows. It will almost certainly end in tears and a bout of emptiness. Call it a drop. Call it whatever. But it sucks. 

Which is not to say it is not gratifying in some way (often retrospectively) because there is some power to looking your fears in the face and dealing with them but it's a very tricky situation. It has as much potential to go well as it has to go badly. It doesn't always matter that you consented to having your boundaries pushed before the fact. Consent (unless revoked) only guarantees that I will not be litigious after the fact. It does not guarantee that we won't pick a bad moment or we won't end up in a situation where we made a mistake and the trigger is now worse than when we started dealing with it. Nothing can guarantee that. Not all the love and trust in the world. 

All the love and trust can only guarantee that when I wake up the next morning feeling empty and violated, I won't pack a suitcase and leave. Instead I'll tell my partner what's going on with me and look to them for support instead of trying to have them arrested. That does require the right partners but can just as easily work if you're with someone who has enough influence to make you believe everything is okay and you're overreacting. Let's not be naive, in relationships, especially ones with a defined power dynamic where the person pushing the boundaries has the upper hand, it's quite easy to convince a person that this is the *right* way and feeling violated is part of it. 

That being said, of late, I have come to learn that pushing boundaries isn't always easy for the person pushing them either. Due to my long, *long* history of dating predators I had come to accept that the person challenging my limits is only ever going to get off on it. However, in the past couple of years I have seen my partner exhibit worry and guilt every single time he does something that he knows is a limit for me. Or even if he does something that isn't defined as a limit but can be classified as going too far. A few years ago I would have said that the guilt is not a good sign. Now I feel that it's reassuring to me when he feels a little guilt about going too far. It reaffirms that he cares about me and he's aware that we just did had the potential to go very badly. That reassurance makes me feel like we're both in that situation together. Not as giver and receiver but as partners. It makes me feel like we are pushing our boundaries as opposed to just him pushing mine. 

See I won't lie, this whole situation is hard and risky and murky. Honestly any one of us is just one bad decision away from consent violation. In fact, taken out of context many stories of pushing boundaries would sound exactly like the stories of consent violation. But some people they need it. I know I do. The need arises. By itself and quite organically. The situations in which to push boundaries arise too. Sometimes organically. Sometimes it is a good idea to pursue them and sometimes it is a bad idea. Sometimes your relationship is stronger because of it and sometimes it causes problems between you. 

Ideally I would say never play this way with someone you would call the cops on if something went wrong but as I demonstrated earlier most of the times, we don't call the cops when things like this happen. Most of the times I can't even deduce if I took it too far or he did. So I am certain that I can't make a judgement on whether it is a good thing to push boundaries or not. 

I know I'm still going to engage in situations where boundaries are pushed. Mine and his. So the best I can do, based on my few years of experience, is offer the following bits of advice: 

- Don't engage in boundary pushing with a new partner and even when in an established healthy relationship discuss the possibility of it before it ever arises. 

- If someone comes to you for play with the sole intention of pushing your boundaries, be wary and ask a lot of questions before you decide to go ahead with it. Or not. 

- Communicate everything relevant well in time. Not just things you like and things you don't like but also how you respond in situations. The potential for triggers. Just the fact that you are non-responsive in some situations. Detail the situations in which your own consent is not reliable and communicate that to the person you are playing with. This won't necessarily stop things from going wrong but it may help him/her deal with you better if things do go wrong and you are not able to provide valuable information. 

- Don't allow anyone to belittle your limits. For instance, anal sex is not a big deal. Most non sexually deviant people I know engage in it too. It's no big deal. But it is to me. And anything can be a big deal to you. Clipping nails. Using food in bed. Having your hair pulled. Your throat held. Don't allow anyone to make you feel like your limits make you somehow less than ideal. They don't. The person making that judgement is less than ideal. 

- Know where your limits are coming from and especially know why you want to have them pushed. Sometimes we allow people to do things in the moment because we want to please them or look cool to them or we think that we're not submissive if we don't let them do what they like, but your mental health is not the thing you should be willing to lose in the bargain. Unless you have a thing for that. Which, sadly, I get. 

- Don't pretend to yourself or to your partner that having your boundaries pushed is a magical thing that will always end beautifully with a stronger bond and stronger mind. It will most likely not. At least not at first. Maybe after fifteen traumatic events, you'll have one good experience. All sixteen of those experiences matter but they can only help you if you recognize them for what they truly are. Think of it as intensive therapy. Most sessions will leave you feeling wrung out and freshly scarred but ultimately you will overcome your fears. 

- If you put yourself in a situation where you consent to having boundaries pushed and it is unpleasant, it is natural to sometimes harbour anger towards the person who pushed your boundaries. This anger is not always fair and just because something is unpleasant does not necessarily mean your consent was violated. You can feel violated without there being a culprit for it. Tell your partner what you feel. Even if it is anger towards them or distance from them, and explain where it is coming from. Let them help you to get past it. Or tell them what you need to get past it. Don't blame them or yourself. If you put yourself in a traumatic situation, you will feel traumatized. And while traumatized, don't trust your brain. Wait for your judgement to return before you say or do things that will impact your relationship.  

(Unless of course there was an actual consent violation and then you should call the cops). 

- It really helps me to write about what happened after it happens. It clarifies things in my head. If writing is not your thing, do whatever it is that you do when you need clarity. Run. Or draw. Or cook. Or have sex. Whatever clears your head. I highly recommend exercise as well, it deals with the emotions for you so you can focus on dealing with the conflicts themselves. 

- If you put yourself in a limit pushing situation that you are no longer comfortable with, don't be afraid to revoke consent. No one will think less of you and a sane person would probably applaud you. I once revoked consent in the middle of a blowjob and then cried for several hours and he still loves me. Do what's right for you. Don't worry about upsetting someone else. In fact, if they are upset that is a good reason to put them on the wary-list. 

- And finally, don't be taken in by the rhetoric. There are no perfect moments. No magical partners. No submissive requirements. No immediate riddance from a lifetime of limits. There are mistakes and successes. Failures and wins. Of course there are right partners but that is not what matters most. It can work with wrong partners too so long as everyone involved is aware of everything relevant and aware of everything that could possibly go wrong and everyone involved knows what their responsibility is. 

That's all I have to say, I suppose. 

Play safe. And when you can't, know that you are not. 

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