Chapter 24 - Bob-in Hood

Please work, please work, please work!

Biomass stored:

174 KG

Biomass required for evolution: 70 KG.

Evolve: Y/N?

Rolling for evolution choices…

Please select from the following six options:

• Reflective Scales

• The-good-kind-of-leprosy

• Draconic Rage

• People’s Dragon

• Apocalyptic Halitosis

• Bifurcated Tail

“Shit, It really wants me to have two tails for some bloody reason,” I grumbled.

“What’s wrong?” asked Kat.  She was taking a break from managing the increasingly fractious relationships between some of my minions.  She shook out her right fist and flexed her fingers.  Somewhere in the dungeon beneath me, someone had bruised testicles.

“I was hoping to get draconic charm.  I need to shmooze the bank manager.”

“So you can rob the place?” I had previously explained my plan to her, and her disapproving tone told me that her opinion of my idea hadn’t changed.

“You didn’t smell it, princess.  Somewhere in that building, there is so much gold I could fill this place to the ceiling.  I would literally be able to swim in the stuff!”

“You know they’re just rural peasants, right?  Insurance isn’t a thing in this world!  If you take all their gold, they’ll die by inches.  They won’t be able to trade, no more magic artefacts, no more hiring guildsmen to deal with monsters.  You’d be robbing from the poor to give to the rich.”  She crossed her arms and glared at me.  My head snaked down and I blinked my glowing purple eyes at her.

“You came from a cultivation world, didn’t you?  How many bodies did you walk over to reach Lower Jade Empress rank?”  She glared at me.

“Plenty, but they were fellow cultivators.  Mostly.”

“Aha!  How often did you play at being the arrogant young mistress?  Swanning around like you were gods gift and treating everyone else like shit,” I snapped, sensing victory.

“Not often after the first five hundred years, Bob.  Do you really want to go down a dark path?  It will just bring the Guilds and the Hunters to Fidler’s Mill more quickly, you scaly nosed wanker!  Don’t think I don’t know what you’ve been up to, now that you’ve got the littlest winky in the world back!”  I looked away guiltily.  It had been a while, and the fact that the copy of the Karma Sutra I’d pulled as loot had turned out to be illustrated hadn’t helped.

“Not relevant and stop spying on me with your gem-thing, you ancient perv!” I softened my tone.  “Look, Kat, I won’t clear the place out.  Just take a nice juicy chunk, a percentage.  Think of it as protection money?”

“So you’re a gangster now?  Hmm.  That might work, actually.”  I blinked in surprise as she stroked her chin in thought.  “Think about it, Bob.  You’re on the same level as low to mid-tier adventurers, and you’re still just a baby.”

“Mordechai thought I was really strong!” I interjected.

“The mad barber who was going to chop bits off you until he realised you could pull his arms off if you wanted to?  Oh yeah, let’s trust that guy’s opinion!  You are strong for this neck of the woods, Bob.  Ankmapak has adventurers twenty, fifty times stronger than you are right now.  Don’t go getting a big head because some bumpkins think you’re tough.”

She made a good point, although I was reluctant to admit it.  I laid my chin down on my treasure and pondered the situation.

“You know, the bank will pay interest, right?” she said as though I was overlooking something obvious.  

“Compound interest?”  Arguably the evilest invention in the history of the universe.  I wanted in.  I could walk the dark path of usury and be a friendly dragon on the side to balance out my karma.  “Karma!” I face-clawed.

“What about it?” she asked.

“Am I still racking it up in this life?” I asked worriedly.  My subpar karma had got me exiled to this world as a flying lizard, and while it was pretty cool, if I was honest, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better it would have been if I hadn’t been a douche back on Earth.

“Yep.  Hence, my suggestion is that you not go total-ass-dragon.  You aren’t truly immortal as a winged lizard, Bob.  A few thousand years of life?  No problem, assuming you dodge the hunters and other dragons.  But you will die again, and the Woo will take another look at your soul.”

Shit.  

“What about the Hunters?  If I kill them when they come for me, won’t that be bad karma?” I asked.

“Nope.  A lot of it comes down to intent.  If they set out to end you, it’s righteous to end them first.  Karma doesn’t mean you have to a be a pussy, idiot.”

“Good to know.  So what do these evolutions mean?”  I went through my options with her.

“One will let you bounce light magic back to the sender.  Not bad, but light mages are usually highly resistant to light magic. Otherwise, they’d constantly be blinding themselves. Two is immunity to pain; it’s not bad, but a bit niche.  Three is a berserk state, increased damage dealt, and increased damage taken. Meh.  Five will boost your breath attacks, but will make your breath stink.  As someone who has to be corporeal around you occasionally, please don’t take this.  Six, you already know.”

“You skipped four?”  She nodded in confirmation.

“Nothing gets past you.  I was saving the best for last.  It’s not draconic charm, but it’s a good substitute.  You don’t have access to the system other sapients get, being a monster, but you have reputation counters with everyone you meet, and with factions.  This will let you build those ranks a little quicker.  It’s not terribly powerful.  But it will really help in the long run, assuming you won’t be going down the Bad Bob road.”

“I think being a friendly neighbourhood dragon is probably in my own best interest.  Shit, does that make it selfish and nullify the karma?” I asked, head snapping up in worry as I selected People’s Dragon on my status screen.

“Nope.  Selfish altruism is the foundation of the universe.  You’ll be fine.”

Biomass stored:

104 KG

Biomass required for evolution: 80 KG.

Evolve: Y/N?

Rolling for evolution choices…

Please select from the following six options:

• Increase Mass

• Monster Mash

• Spongiform Scales

• Rapid Regeneration

• Bifurcated Tail

• Hallowed Beast

“Ok, Kat.  What is it with the tail thing?  Did the system play a lot of Sonic when it was a kid?” I snapped in frustration.  I explained the rest of the options.

“Dragons have a weird social hierarchy, Bob.  It’s mostly about the hoard, but they’re a bit like kitsune: the more tails, the better.  Looks like one, three, and four are your best choices—the scales one will let you absorb blunt damage more efficiently.  Rapid regen is pretty self-explanatory; you won’t regrow eyeballs or limbs, but you’ll heal faster.  Increase mass is your go-to ‘I need more strength and armour’ option.”

“Will it affect my human form?” She shook her head in reply.

“No.  Your cock-ring-of-insecurity–”  she waggled a pinky finger at me, “–isn’t affected by your change.  It just gets absorbed with your dragon form.  You didn’t wonder about that before?”  I glared at her, and she laughed.  “Idiot, scaly, moronic–”

“So it won’t make my human form into a mammalian kaiju?” I interrupted.

“No.  Dumbass.  But when you are in your real body, you’ll be bigger, and when you’re human, your strength and armour class are bumped up a bit.”

I clicked on Increase Mass.  I went from fifteen feet or so long to nearly twenty.  I was a big boy now.

“You’re not a big boy now,” Kat said, like she was reading my mind.  “Still just a baby.” 

“What about Dumbfuck the Grey? Or whatever he was called.  You said he was smaller than I was when I was born,” I replied.

“Grumwalt the Grey ended up over two hundred metres from nose to tail before Sir Papsimear the Bald smeared him.  He took a lot of Increase Mass evolutions over his short life.”

“Short?”  I swung my head round to focus on her properly.  This seemed important.  Being alive long enough to build a decent karmic scorecard with the Woo was now a top priority.

“Icarus.”

“He flew too high, and the wax in his wings melted?” I asked in confusion.

“No.  He got too much attention too soon and got wiped by a peak tier hero who had a hard on for dragon scale armour and spatial magic.  When I said smeared, I was speaking literally.”  She sighed and ran a hand through her short red hair.  “Bob, a low profile and a good rep with the local population are to your advantage. But not staying a baby is also a good idea.  I think you need to start getting stronk, mate.”

I couldn’t find a flaw in her argument.  The folks at the Mill might be pissants but I had to remember it was a big, terrible world outside of the rural idyll I’d spawned in.

It took a few minutes for me to get my limbs and wings back under control, and once I did, I scooped up a few thousand Gold Coins into my tummy pouch.

“Off to make a deposit?” Kat called as I moved towards the nearest exit.

“Time to meet my new account manager and score some good vibes, girly. Don’t wait up!”  I jumped from the aerie, a spring in my wings as I flew down the sheer rockface. Once I was flying within a few metres of the treetops, I headed to my favourite meadow to land and put my face on.

After a pleasant afternoon stroll through the woodland, I looked out again across the town.  My town.  I’d make these poor bastards' lives better and earn enough divine kudos to make it to heaven, or at least a better reincarnation, next time.  Brace yourself, Fidler’s Mill, I’m going to make your lives better whether you like it or not!

I made my way through the town to the bank and grinned at the imposing structure. It was time to open an account.  The guards nodded to me as I approached, and one held the door open for me.  I thanked him as I passed.

“Jezebel!” I called, earning a scowl from her female colleague and a brief glance from the man to her right.

“Bob!  I had a wonderful night last night!  What can we do for you?” Jezebel said, adorable dimples appearing in her cheeks as she treated me to a broad grin.

“I was wondering if I might have a word with Mr. Angtirm.  I’m looking to make a deposit,” I said warmly.

“Are you planning on sticking around?” My supposed paramour asked me, leaning forward and contriving to push her bosom into a position that strained the buttons on her shirt.

“I am.  I like this place, I’m sure there are plenty of ways for me to pass the time.” I winked at her.  “So I might as well join this noble institution for the duration.  No point lugging thousands of gold around with me while I’m running about dealing with the local pests, am I right?”

“It’s a wise decision, sir.”  The voice came through a doorway behind the counter and the glowing bars that sealed it off from the outside world. “How much are you considering leaving in our care?”

He was short and portly. His slicked-back hair gave him a greasy, overly smooth appearance. The man was wearing a neat and well-made suit, ideal for business or lunch.

“Mr. Angtrim?  A pleasure. Perhaps we should discuss the details over a meal at the Swinging Cod?”  I offered. He smiled and nodded.

“That sounds like an excellent idea.”