Chapter 17 - Filthy Rich

“Well, on the plus side, the minion wages have come down a bit now that we’re producing our own food.  The Janglebonks are vegetarian so they will still be costing us for victuals but the rest will eat whatever shit we throw at them from the farm,” Kat said.  I looked over at her from where I was perched atop my hoard.

“I’m paying to feed those irritating buggers?  The Dwelvers make the air vile-tasting for an hour wherever they go.  We don’t need to worry about losing them, if I try and follow them, I’ll know when I lose the trail because I won’t want to vomit anymore.”

“They are a bit whiffy.”

“Whiffy?  They smell like an explosion in a dog food factory!  Industrial composting sites are more appealing!  The smell of your grandma's house, post loss of bowel control, is a spring breeze in comparison!  And the bloody Greebles are getting on my tits as well!” I snapped.

“And you still want to eat the Janglebonks, don’t you?” Kat asked with a smirk.  I nodded.

“They smell delicious,” I muttered, glancing away.

“But you know they’re sentient.  Well, kind of.  They aren’t going to win this world’s equivalent of the Nobel Prize, but they are thinking creatures.”

“Prove it,” I grumbled as I watched one of the monopedal balls of fluff drag an enchanted longsword up from the dungeon below and toss it on the pile of loot that I was starting to think of as the “shitheap”. 

Kat opened her mouth, but I waved a paw at her.

“I know.  I know.  It’s time to go and see Tex.  Come on,” I moved over and began loading the loot we’d chosen to give to our pet-trader into my tummy-space. 

“No, keep that!” Kat snapped, leaping up to snatch a mirror out of my paw before I could stash it away.

“Why?  It’s not like you need to put makeup on or anything, princess.”

“The Mirror of Endless Insight is, first of all, handy when I do my eyeliner.  You ass.  Secondly, it lets you see anything happening in areas you control.  When we’re set up to handle adventurers in the dungeon, that thing will be your big screen TV so you can watch them all get mulched up by traps or eaten by monsters.”  I narrowed my glowing purple eyes at the tiny woman.

“You wear eyeliner?” I asked suspiciously, earning a punch to the snout in response.

“Ass.  Keep that item.”  I gently put it down in the ‘not-vendor-trash’ pile.  It was much smaller than the trash pile, unfortunately.  A few weapons, all the pills I’d received, and a copy of the Karma Sutra.

The rest was loaded into my belly-pouch.  I felt bloated, but it didn’t seem to make me any heavier.  I dropped out of my aerie once more, wings snapping open as I began to circle down to the agreed meeting place.  The woodland glade was just a idyllic in moonlight as it was in the day,  possibly more so.  The softer light made all the shadows into gentle blurs rather than hard lines.

Tex was waiting for us, hopping nervously from foot to foot as he stood with his hands held behind his back.  As I landed, he waved uncomfortably and walked towards us.

“How did you do?” asked Kat, jumping down off my neck and walking ahead of me.  I settled down, curling my neck up so Tex was forced to look upwards to meet my gaze.  A bit of a dick move but keeping ones underlings in their place was important.

When the hell did I start thinking like that?  I’d always hated those assholes back on Earth.  When you are called into the boss's office, the chair on your side of his table is set three inches lower than the throne-like chair he was blessed with.

“Oh, not so good, little lady,” Tex drawled sadly.  I saw Kat raise an eyebrow and suppressed a smile as he subconsciously moved one hand to shield his balls.

“You sold at least one bloody crossbow,” I complained, tracing a claw along the faint scarring on my scales.

“Oh, I sold everything, but they aren’t happy.  They gave me this,” he offered me a scrap of paper covered with the strange runes that passed for writing on this world.  I glared at him and passed it down to Kat, who laid it out on the ground and stood at the bottom of it while she scanned the text.

“Well fuck-a-doodle-do,” she muttered.  “You know you can’t pass this on?” She looked up and glared at Tex, cracking her knuckles as she did so.  He swallowed audibly.

“I’m required by law-”

“Bob, what’s the law on people running messages to the Hunters Guild?” she asked.  I looked at her blankly.  “The guild that employs, among others, dragon hunters,” she finished pointedly.  My head swung to point at Tex, and I turned my glare up to eleven.  I’m confident purple sparks were flowing away from my eyes.  He raised his hands and backed away.

“Of course, when it comes to legal affairs, I’m hardly an expert, merely a humble merchant trying to make a living and feed my seven children!”

“You have children?” I asked.

“He’s lying,” Kat snapped.  “Tex, you work for Bob now.  Passing this to the guild would be a breach of our contract.”

“If I don’t, they’ll sic the Quaestors on me when they find out!” he squeaked.

“That’s a problem for future-Tex.  Right now, your problem is that the dragon they’re offering a bounty on is right here, and probably still hungry…” Kat said ominously.  I smiled.  A saurian smile, all fangs and impending death, seemed to do wonders in helping him pick a side.

“Of course!  Surely you didn’t think-” he began, but Kat kicked him in the ankle.  She must be feeling sorry for him; it was the only reason I could think to explain why she didn’t aim for his crotch or his face.

“Money.  And where’s your wagon?  We’ve got loot for you to sell for us?” Kat barked.  I was glad the little firebrand was on my side.  As well as no longer having genitals that could be punched or kicked.

“Do you know how much an ox costs to replace?  After last time, I didn’t want to risk it with the big bast– guy!” He quickly corrected himself at the end.

“I’ve got this now.” I flicked my bright orange neckerchief with a midnight talon.  “It helps me deal with the draconic urges.  It wouldn’t have happened again,” I grumbled.  I was pretty sure it wouldn’t happen again.

“Huh, I’d been wondering why you look like you’re cos playing as an extra from Scooby Doo… Erm, it looks good on you, boss.”  He gave me a double thumbs up and a sickly smile.  I snorted.  “So what have you got for me?”  He was suddenly all business, and his greasy charm came back from one sentence to the next.  “Before I forget,” he tossed me a heavy bag of gold that went straight into my storage space.

I started to empty my belly pouch and began sorting them into piles.  Potions here, scrolls next to them, and the miscellaneous items laid out neatly to one side.  He started pawing through them.  He grunted and muttered to himself as he went.

“Meh, that’s shit.. Parental disapproval?  This place never fails to amaze with how utterly stupid it is!  Ok, this is nice.  I can probably get a decent price for this in one of the towns along the way back to Ankmapak… What the actual fu- nevermind.  Bloody system…”

He continued like this for several minutes as he sorted through the pile, reorganising the loot into two new piles.

“Ok, this lot-” he pointed a thumb at the much smaller pile, “-is some good shit.  That lot is trash.  Is this everything?  I mean, I don’t want to go crying to the system so soon, but according to our contract, you have an obligation not to use me as a bin wagon.  Do I look like I run a recycling and rubbish collection service?”  He was glaring at Kat, which I thought was extremely brave of him.  I hadn’t punched him in the balls once, but he didn’t feel up to bitching at me yet.  I was confident the irascible man would work up the courage to yell at me sooner or later.

Kat cracked her tiny knuckles and glared at him.  Tex flinched and clamped his knees together.

“Show him the real prize, please, Bob,” Kat said in the sweetest tone of voice I’d ever heard her use.  I got the feeling that Tex was in big trouble the next time he gave her an excuse to resort ot violence.

“There’s more?  Why not lead with the good stuff?” he asked with narrowed eyes.

“Well, it might be a bit tricky… If the contract didn’t prevent you from betraying Bob, I wouldn’t let you see this stuff.  Bob?” Kat looked up and waved a hand at me to get on with it.  I pulled out the seven large lumps of Arkendrite the Dwelvers had harvested so far and put them down on the floor.  Altogether, they probably weighed a hundred kilograms, despite being so small.  Tex picked up one of the irregularly shaped lumps and grunted at the weight of it.  He peered closely at it, flicked it with his index finger, then leant down to lick it.

“Dude!  No perving on the goods!” I said.

“This is legit,” he muttered, dropping the lump and backing away slightly. His eyes flicked back and forth between Kat and me. “Holy shit!

“Yeah.  Good job about that contact, eh?” Kat grinned evilly at the man.  An eight-inch-tall pixie shouldn’t be able to radiate an air of menace as well as the princess could.

“How much more have you got?” Fear and greed were at war on his face, which gave him a constipated look.

“At least one decent-sized vein, according to the minions,” I said proudly.

“Shit!” Tex said, backing away then stepping forward again, one hand outstretched to the ore.  “He doesn’t know what this means, does he?” Tex asked Kat.  She crossed her arms.

“He knows enough,” Kat muttered guiltily.

“Spill it, your imperial pain-in-the-ass!” I didn’t like where this was heading at all.

“Look, it’s no big deal, as no one finds out where the stuff came from.  And old Tex here is contractually obliged to keep that bit of information himself.  Aren’t you?” Kat glared at the man.

“This is state-level shit, girl.  You’ll have nobles going to fucking war if they find out where it is!” Tex snapped, backing away slightly and moving to guard his family jewels.

“Really?  Maybe we should just hang on to the stuff…”  Even as I said it, I knew I needed one more bit of information before making a decision.  “So how much is that lot worth, for instance?” I pointed at the small pile of sparkly rocks.

“Half a million?  Maybe more.  I’ll need guards for the journey back.  It will get out that I’ve made a big sale, no way to avoid that–”

“Maybe if you don’t get drunk and brag to every dickhead willing to listen about your big score it won’t?”  Kat said.

“Christ, lady!  The Armaments Guild leaks like a sieve about this sort of shit!  People will know I had a decent lump of the stuff, too much just to be a lucky find.  I’ll be hunted every step of the way back here!  And spies!  I won’t be able to trust anyone!”  He was babbling, panic bubbling through his voice.

I wasn’t listening to him.  He had said the magic words that had made up my mind for me.  I reached out and gently wrapped a paw around his torso, lifting him off the ground.  He squeaked and clamped his mouth shut as my face snaked round to look him in the eyes.

“We’re doing it.  We can make it work.  I’ll meet you outside the city and play caravan guard if I have to.”  Half a million!  I was going to be the richest dragon in the world.