Lil Dee

Unknown Recipient: part 1

Added 2025-03-24 14:10:01 +0000 UTC

I am spiraling out of control and I think that acting in equally chaotic ways makes me feel like I am in control of the chaos in my life, but in reality I am just giving into chaotic patterns in an effort to stop the change that is necessary to grow, the stress and force of it molding me into myself, but the unknown qualities of it terrify me. And so I pick patterns that are equally chaotic but familiar so the pain is known or knowable. It’s why I seek you out, it’s why I return. Even though the taste of your mouth was bitter and you kissed with the muscles and entirety of your face instead of just your lips. It felt terrifying, seeing the hole of gaping teeth, like you were going to eat me whole and alive, but in reality it was just a bad kiss, and this is just a bad case of fear and anxiety trying to loop me back into thinking that it was more than that, just so I can escape this unknowable discomfort. No matter how much I type here it doesn’t hit the same way as a response, a notification, a word. That somehow transcends time and space and grabs hold of my soul and yanks me to my knees, dominating my anxiety with bad decision making. I am incomplete without my bad ideas, I am falling into myself, this new version of me that has been untested untried. In you. I found a version of myself that I could surrender to, the familiarity of not being enough but just enough to be kept around. The pain of it being set down and chosen, again and again, like me to myself trying to prove my own worth, and your indecision being a reflection of that, the search for something better. What I constantly seek and try to find in myself.

I am calm now.

The discomfort has passed. You helped indirectly, as you always do. In my head, I don’t know who is rescuing me, the ideas or a truly wiser version of me.