One Boy's Journey Chapter 5

Written by Brianna Demonet

After sunset, I started getting tired; it had been a big day. As I always do I reflect on everything before bed. I miss being a boy less every day. But the thought of what happened and the loss of my penis still saddens me. It saddens me because I can't give my mother a grandchild. It saddens me because my mom has sacrificed so much for me.

She never finished college because of me. My father just left one day and we never heard from him again. My Mom was heartbroken. But she never complained.

She just told me she loved me and she would never leave me. Mom and Vanessa were always there for me. Spending summers with Aunt V was great. I love Aunt V

I find myself feeling guilty about having a good time with my extended family while my Mom is alone at home. I know I'm the talk of the town back home. It was the single, most horrific crime in our town in over ten years. Mom told me her salon was as busy as ever. Everyone looking for any information on my incident.

Mom told me she loved the extra business. With me out west it made it easier to work more hours and make improvements to the salon. She anxiously wants to sell and move out west. In Mom's last letter, she made it sound like she was slowly fixing up the salon and saving the extra money.

I knew selling the double-wide trailer home we lived in wouldn't be a problem. It was older but it was in pretty good shape. Our trailer park was the only one with a pool. I checked my phone before bed.

Mom sent pictures of the salon. She repainted the whole inside in a light yellow and repainted the white doors and trim. I saw new lighting fixtures above all the stations.

She told me Mr Milford was helping her fix the place up. I had asked if she was coming out over Labor Day weekend. She said no. She said she and Mr Milford were installing new flooring in the salon. She told me Mr Milford was a big help. She told me Mr. Milford asked her out a few weeks back; she said yes.

While he was older than my mom, he was handsome (Like John Wayne, only slimmer with a nice smile) and very polite. It made me smile, knowing my mom was seeing him. Mr Milford is a good man. I knew Mr Milford was a widower.

As a janitor at the school, most people don't even look at him. I knew him a little because he looked out for the bullied kids. The football players and school thugs knew to never mess with him.

I cleaned up, showered, put on my pink baby doll nightie, and got in bed. Cathy knocked on the door. I answered it. Oh my, that's adorable on you. I did a little spin for her, and just then, Caleb came over. Wow! You are going to heartbreaker Ree Ree. He said.

I smiled. I just wanted to remind you that we have to leave by 10 am. Are you all packed?

Yes, Sis! I answered.

Excellent, Mom will have breakfast ready at 7:30 am.

Thanks sis.

Cathy smiled and said, You're welcome, little sister.

She hugged me and kissed my forehead; Caleb said good night and kissed my forehead, too.

Aunt V walked into the bedroom a couple of minutes later. Black nightgown flowing over her beautiful curves. Her black hair was tied up in a high ponytail.

She always looks like a model. I told her what Cathy said about tomorrow. Well, we better get some rest, then. We cuddled up and went to bed. I didn't have a night terror all weekend. With Aunt V beside me, I felt safe and secure.

I got up at 6 am. I went to the bathroom, showered, and cleaned up. I grabbed my robe and headed downstairs. I smelled Espresso brewing. May was sipping a cup on the back porch on the swing. I poured myself a cup and walked out to see the sunrise.

Sit Ree, she padded the spot next to her. She was in a red Korean-style nightgown and robe.

That looks so cute on you, said May.

I love your nightgown too, I said. This is called a Prettyui.

Your mules are very nice.

Thank you, I smiled.

Are you finding it difficult to be a girl, Ree?

It's not without its challenges, May, that's for sure. When I found out I had no choice, I figured I'd better start learning the ropes real quick.

How is it you didn't have a choice? I'm not judging you, I haven't heard the whole story.

You know about my injury.

What you didn't know was I am allergic to the testosterone supplements. So the only hormone therapy left was estrogen. While my wounds were still fresh, The doctor thought it best to give me a vaginoplasty.

I said if I was going to do this, I decided to ask for my B-cups as well. So they shaved my trachea, breast augmentation, rhinoplasty, and vaginoplasty. I figured if I was going to be a girl, I wanted to look like a girl.

Well, I must say you're doing very well sweetie!

Thanks, May. Thank you for your hospitality this weekend. Aunt V and I love it here.

You're more than welcome sweetie. We love having you.

May, can I ask you a small favor?

Sure sweetheart, said May as she stroked my hair.

As she strokes my hair, I start reflecting again. Is this what it's like to have a grandparent? I never knew mine.

If we come back can you teach me how to cook Korean style?

Of course honey, your family now. Cathy loves you like a little sister. You are like a granddaughter to Hank and I. I hope we can get your mother to join us sometime.

We'd love that! I said with a big smile. I hugged her.

We sat sipping our espressos, watching the sun's rays glisten on the morning valley mist. I took our cups inside for a refill. We sat another 20 minutes. May put her arm around me. It felt great just relaxing like this.

Caleb came down, how does french toast sound? He asked.

Sure if you're cooking, it Caleb said May.

You know I am Mom, he said with a big smile.

You'll love Caleb's French toast.

We finished our espressos and went upstairs to change. I did my makeup, packed my purse, and started carrying my things downstairs.

Caleb said I got it, sweetie. Go eat. I smiled and kissed his cheek.

Caleb is a great cook; his French toast was great, even better than my mother's. I can see why Cathy loves strong coffee now. This trip was more than a reset for me; it was an eye-opener. I hope we can bring Mom here one day.

I watched as his muscles flexed a bit carrying my bags. I hope I meet someone as wonderful as him someday. Caleb was funny and friendly. I know now I was right to pick Cathy as a role model.

Caleb says I would love for you to meet my sister Terri soon. I know you two will hit it off. Caleb drove us. Cathy rode in back with me and Aunt V was in front.

I asked Cathy all about school and what I needed to study. She told me to make sure to take Spanish, Italian, or French. She also said to take Latin.

She said Latin is required in law school and knowing it ahead of time will make things easier. She said I should also read and reread the Constitution and Bill of Rights. I thanked her for the advice. She made me promise to tell her about recitals and any other competitions I had coming up.

I asked her about the lawsuit. She said she's working on it, but she wants an air-tight case. She said she's hoping for a mediation instead of court so there won't be an appeal. Cathy looked at me and smiled don't worry little sister. I have you covered.

Becky is my boss, and she, like me, hates the way the rich take advantage of the less privileged. When we are finished you won't need to worry about college loans or anything else you want to pursue in life.

Regardless of whatever money you are rewarded, remember it means nothing without an education. Cathy stated.

I want to be like you Cathy, helping others in need. I said.

She kissed my cheek.

We arrived at the airport, and Caleb took care of most of our bags. We hugged on the curb one final time and went to check in. We checked our bags and checked in for our flight. I slept almost the whole flight. I woke up just before landing, Aunt V stroking my hair.

She looked at me, we need a spa day, what do you think?

What's a spa day? I asked.

She told me all about it.

Sounds relaxing, I said.

I'll set it up. We also have to get you outfitted for your school uniforms in the next couple of weeks. Your school books should be arriving this week.

When we walked in the house all I wanted to do was sleep. I took a quick shower, put my clothes in the laundry basket, and was out. I was up at 5:30 am. I started my dilation therapy and went down to the pool. When I finished with my morning swim, I walked in, and Martina was serving breakfast.

She was singing in Spanish. She had a great voice. It made me smile. Aunt V walked downstairs.

Sit! Both of you, eat! Martina said.

I'm fine said Aunt V.

Nonsense Ma'am, sit! Eat it lean and high in protein, and you need your strength.

Okay, Martina, if you insist, said Aunt V.

I just sat down and said thank you.

Spanish scrambled eggs, it was bursting with flavor. We chatted about school and my activities. I was just thinking about how busy I've been lately. I joked that with all I'm doing, I am not sure I'll have time for school. We giggled a bit.

I gave Aunt V a big hug before she left for work. Martina and I spent some time cooking. She and I kept conversing in Spanish. She insisted I work on it. She was even helping me with the accent.

Wednesday afternoon the doorbell rang. The mailman handed me two heavy boxes I had to sign for. It was addressed to me. I opened it and found my new school books. I immediately went to check my email. I found my class schedule and a list of the extracurricular activities to sign up for.

I wanted to sign up for the cheerleader tryouts, and the cheerleader practice was from 3:30 to 5:30 pm Monday through Thursday during the school year. I signed up for the drama club too. The debate club and swimming team don't start up until after Christmas. I signed up for all 4.

I went through the class syllabus and looked at the assignments. I thought I'd have nothing else to do, so I planned out a study schedule and started on the easiest one first, Spanish. I figured with Martina drilling me in Spanish I should get a great head start. I would work on one subject a day, every day.

It's funny as a boy I had no clear direction. My only concern was getting online and playing Xbox with my online friends. I've been out here for 4 weeks and I barely have time to watch a couple hours of TV in a week. Being a girl has added a newfound maturity and focus I never had as a boy.

Two weeks have gone by now and I'm writing and conversing in Spanish almost as if it was my native tongue. Martina would only speak English when Aunt V was home. I have been going to my ballet, Kap-ki-do, and gymnastics now for a few weeks. My body is as toned as it can get.

My floor exercises are getting better every day, My barre work in ballet is as good as anyone in class. I can stand on my toes, but my full-on-toe dancing needs much more work. I'm getting better. My Hap-ki-do forms are down pat. A couple more months later, Mrs Park said I should be ready to test for my yellow belt.

The kids in my classes are beginning to warm up to me a bit. When asked I don't lie about where I'm from. No one has asked about the incident. As far as I'm concerned it's none of their business.

Today I was sparring against a boy my size in Hap-ki-do. He kicked me in my ribs near where they were broken 2 months ago. I saw red, I couldn't help my reaction.

I went into attack mode and landed two punches in the stomach and a back fist to the side of his head. I was about to lose control when Mrs Park separated us. She sent me to the corner of the mat.

I had to sit with my back facing them on my knees. I was sorry about my reaction. Sammy, the boy was okay. We aren't allowed to strike heads in class without headgear.

Ms Park made me apologize. I was sorry. She had John take over the drills. She took me to the office. I was scared she was going to throw me out of class.

I felt terrible about my reaction. Sammy is a very nice and mild-mannered boy. Much like I used to be. He didn't deserve my response. To be honest he was nicer to me than the other kids in class.

Mrs Park sat me down and showed me a meditation exercise.

I know where that reaction came from Rianna. You need to harness that anger. Anger like that can destroy you. Worse than that you can cross a line you won't be able to come back from.

After some meditation, I was calmed down. Mrs Park brought Sammy into the office. I apologized to him, told him I felt terrible for my reaction, and asked for his forgiveness. I explained to him that I liked him and it was a reaction due to previous trauma.

Sammy said it's okay, just please try to watch it next time.

We shook hands and bowed. Mrs Park thanked him and he rejoined class.

I want you to start meditating a couple of times a week. You also need to talk to your therapist about this. Stay here, meditate on this for a while, and then you can rejoin the class.

Yes, Master Park, I said as I bowed my head. She smiled and rejoined the class.

I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. It worked for a few minutes. My ribs are still sore from the strike earlier. As I tried to ignore the pain my mind flashed back to the attack. I started to get angry and cry.

For the first time since I moved out west, I found myself wishing to be a boy for a few minutes. I was a mixture of anger, hate, and depression. I started having a panic attack right there in the office.

Mrs Park walked in and held my hands. Talking softly she brought me back to a calm state of mind.

Mrs Park talked to Aunt V when she picked me up. I thought Aunt V would be mad. She did the opposite. She had me talk about it. She just listened as I relived today's reaction.

She said I've just the thing to help you. What? I asked. You'll see you'll have to wait for early Saturday morning honey. First things first. You need a bath.

Aunt V started the jacuzzi tub and said stay here until I come to get you. I must have soaked in the tub for an hour. The jets and bubbles helped relax my tension. Okay, Ree, shower, rinse, and get ready for bed.

We can watch Suits when you're ready. That perked me up a bit more. We watched a couple of episodes of Suits, and I fell asleep in Aunt V's lap. She walked me up to my room and once the blanket was on me, I was out.

I woke up with my Aunt V standing over me. It was almost 4 am. I was in a cold sweat.

Ree honey, are you alright? I heard you screaming. You had another night terror.

Just what I needed: another night terror!

Aunt V helped me up. I rinse off in the shower. She gave me a dry nightgown and panties and back to sleep I went. I got up at 6 am and went for my morning swim. Halfway through my swim. Aunt V said I needed to get dressed.

I asked why. She told me I was going to work with her and my therapist was going to work me into her schedule today. I didn't argue the point, I knew she was right.

I have to give Aunt V a lot of credit here. She's a damn good psychiatrist and yet she never tries to analyze me. I never asked why. I guess she cares like a parent, always referring to a professional who isn't emotionally attached.

We got to her office at 8:30 am. My therapist and I were having lunch in her office. Talk about a working lunch. It was great seeing her. I think that eating while talking about yesterday and last night made it easier to just open up a bit.

She again asked if I'd consider some medication. Again I said no. I told her about Mrs Park and the meditation exercises. She said that was a great idea. She also handed me a notebook to write down an episode of drastic emotional shifts or anger, especially if I felt rage.

When I was done, Aunt V had me help her receptionist with filing and answering the phone. I enjoyed the work. Her receptionist loved the help. I was just happy not being bored.

Aunt V had a last-minute patient; I waited in her private office until the patient left. I was texting Mom when she walked in. Mom sent me a selfie of her and Mr Milford. They both looked happy. Aunt V thought it was a cute picture, and so did I.

To be honest I really missed my Mom. But seeing her with Mr Milford made me happy. She was finally able to have some much-needed time for herself.

When we got home I sat down and wrote her a short letter. I told her how happy I was seeing her with Mr Milford. How great they looked together.

I loved how happy she looked. I asked her to thank Mr Milford for helping me. I told her about my studying before school started and the dance, gymnastics, and Hap-ki-do classes. I told her about my reaction in Hap-ki-do when I got hit in my ribs. I told her about Mrs Park and Aunt V and how

we handled it.

I told her about the trip to Napa Valley. It was supposed to be a short letter, I giggled to myself. I asked Mom when she was going to fly out to visit us.

She already told me she was planning on Christmas time. I asked her if she had spoken to Cathy about the lawsuit. I also asked about the salon. I told her I loved and missed her.

Over the next two weeks, I had twice-a-week appointments with my therapist and was working in Aunt V's office. I was making coffee, filling papers, and cleaning up. It made me feel good to contribute. At the end of the 3rd week, Aunt V handed me an envelope. I opened it to find a paycheck.

It was for almost 450 dollars after taxes. I was shocked. Aunt V, this is generous, but it's way too much. Nonsense, Ree, yes, it is more than minimum wage. Good help is hard to find, and trustworthy help is even harder to find.

Tomorrow we'll set up a bank account for you. You're working for me now. When you're not in school or after school activities you will work here. It isn't much but you should have your own money for activities when you start making friends.

Thanks, Auntie V, I hugged her.

When school starts you will have your therapy appointment on Saturday before gymnastics. I have morning appointments with my patients, so you will work with me on Saturday cleaning and filling, does that sound good?

Yes Ma'am! I said.

She said here read this and sign it.

What is it? It's a confidentiality agreement. It states that you cannot share anything you hear, see, or say in this office with anyone outside the office. I read it twice before I signed it.

Three weeks before school starts and I still have yet to talk to anyone in the neighborhood. I have said hello to a few of the kids my age, and they say hi back, but to them, I am an outsider. I keep my distance from the boys in the neighborhood.

I have finished, my Spanish book, my algebra, and US History. I read through my chemistry book, but without a lab, I couldn't do much, so I decided to go through the glossary and study all the definitions. I started the term paper for history and was still studying English literature.

Aunt V caught me studying and writing. Oh my gosh, I forgot, she said. What, Aunt V? I asked. You don't have a computer or a printer. Get your purse sweetie.

Yes Ma'am.

I knew I needed one, but with everything going on and all she was doing for me, I wasn't going to ask or complain. I did make an Amazon shopping cart of what I would like to have.

Aunt V took me to Costco, a huge warehouse superstore. They had everything I needed. I felt guilty for how much she spent. Laptop, 3 monitors, screen mounts, cables, docking station, and a printer/scanner.

Not to mention the paper, keyboard, and mouse. She also got me Microsoft Office 365 and Adobe Pro applications. I made a list of tools to put everything together and we made a trip to the tool aisle and bought everything I needed.

The back of the Escalade was full. It took a couple of trips between Aunt V, Martina, and me to get everything upstairs. Aunt V's house was very modern in design.

Every room had internet ports in the walls. Aunt V said I can get a guy to install it all tomorrow. I told her I could do it. Besides she spent enough already. It was late when I finished. But I had everything up and running.

Aunt V was impressed. I love that smile, it always makes me feel good.

Nicely done Ree.

Thank you. I said

Tomorrow's Saturday; how about that spa day I mentioned?

You could skip gymnastics tomorrow! On Sunday I have someone I'd like you to meet.

Sounds great Aunt V!

Good, be ready to leave at 8:30 in the morning.