Stage Fright

The second illustration of November is here!

“This was a bad idea, this was such a bad idea, what the heck was I thinking!?”

Lars realized after the fact that he almost certainly should have had Stevonnie pilot the Star Skipper rather than pilot it himself. While he had designed the shuttle craft himself, he hadn't actually gotten the chance to test drive it.

The moment he left the Sun Destroyer, Emerald directed all of her weaponry towards Lars, who found himself very quickly spiralling out of control as a missile winged one of the stabilizer fins. Stevonnie's image appeared projected in front of him.

“Lars! Are you okay?”

“No, navigation is shot. Stevonnie, you take the Sun Destroyer and get out of here, try and make it back to Earth!”

Stevonnie's image flickered through a field of static as another missile struck the aft of the Star Skipper.

“No! We're not leaving without you!”

“Yes you are! With her focused on me, you can make a break for it and make a beeline back home!”

“Lars, we're not-

“That's an order, Stevonnie! You get my crew to Earth! I made a promise to them!”

Stevonnie's face was steely for a moment before she cut communications. The Sun Destroyer's engines flared as the ship did a rapid u-turn. In seconds, the ship was replaced with a streak of yellow light, and Emerald's warship had locked a tractor beam onto the now crippled Star Skipper. Lars swallowed dryly as the pale green light of Emerald's docking bay engulfed his body. He shook his head, raising his fists.

“Alright you green cyclops lady. Let's see how well your guards can handle a right...what's that smell?”

A loud hissing filled his ears. The pink Barriga boy found his vision being clouded by the pale blue smoke now flooding the cockpit. It smelled like...cloves and floor polish? It...it smelled like...like a...

“Oh...knock out g-gas. That's...smmaaaah...”

Lar's face fell onto the glass, cushioned only by the pink, sweat-soaked hair on top of his head.

“Wake him.”

Emerald's adjutant pressed a key on her console. Lars bolted awake as tiny jolts of electricity zapped his backside, flailing in zero gravity until he was floating sideways.

“Gaaaah!”

Lars was suspended in the air inside what looked like an enormous vacuum tube, the ones you'd find in old radios. Emerald, without a hint of irony, spun around slowly in her chair to face Lars. Lars, in spite of being recently drugged, was lucid enough to realize something was missing.

“You...you really should have a little cat or something. More...dramatic that way.”

Emerald tilted her head, thrown off by the strange jargon of this annoying little biped. She quickly composed herself.

“You thought you could steal from Emerald, did you? You're lucky I didn't scrap your shuttle and launch you into space, you miserable little-

She stood, looking into the glass as one might observe a strange insect.

“...meat-thing?”

“Lars. Human. I'm a human. From Earth.”

“Hu-Human!? GAHAHAHAHA! You really expect me to believe that nonsense? The humans were wiped out when the Diamond Authority-

“Scan me.”

“-obliterated every last rebel...pardon?”

Lars braced himself against opposite sides of the glass, staring Emerald down.

“Scan. Me. If you know what a human is, then you should be able to tell if I'm lying.”

Emerald scowled at the pink humanoid. She detested being interrupted mid-monologue. But it would be satisfying to call this pink organic's bluff.

“Scan him, Tourmaline.”

A pulse of red light passed over Lars. The green gem technician furrowed her brow.

“Commander, there appears to be some sort of contaminant material covering their physical form. It's disrupting the scanners.”

“Well then run the sterilization cycle!”

“Aye, commander!”

Lars looked up at the top of the cylinder.

“Sterilization?”

There was a flicker of orange before the entire tube was engulfed in thrumming, hot light. Lars took his hands off the glass, eyes clenched shut as his body was, for only a moment, scorched with hot, vibrating light.

“DANGIT, MY EYES!”

He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles as a sudden coldness took him over. He blinked again and again, each time his vision trickling back to him bit by bit. Eyes unfocused, he saw Emerald and her adjutant staring bemused at him.

Once his eyes came into focus proper, he could make out his own reflection against the glass.

His completely naked reflection. Lars was so shocked and dismayed, he switched back to Tagalog to swear, as English didn't quite meet the level of dismay he was feeling.

“PUNYETA, why am I NAKED!?”

Lars clasped his hands around his cock and balls with such force that he began doing an involuntary summersault in the air. He watched as his reflected buttcheeks, balls and taint distorted against the curvature of the glass. He let out a moan of embarrassment as he mooned Emerald not once but twice before coming to a stop upside-down in front of her.

“What happened to my clothes!?”

Emerald pursed her lips, not fully comprehending the sight before her.

“Clo...ses?”

“Clothes! My pants and jacket and stuff!”

“And what are you hiding in your hands there? Is it some sort of weapon?”

“No!”

“Then let me see it, prisoner!”

“NO WAY! I'm not letting some alien chick see my dick!”

“Tourmaline, apply the restraining cords. I wish to see what this 'dick' device is!”

Tiny metal arms descended towards Lars, little clacking metal pincers moving towards his hands. He tried to swat them away. Once they got around his wrists, he doubled over, desperately trying to preserve his modesty. The claws pinned his hands behind his back before uncoiling a length of synthetic rope that seemed to bind to itself.

“Hold him back! Let us see this mysterious 'dick' Lars the human has!”

The pincers grabbed Lars by the shoulders and yanked him back.

Lars kicked his legs in the air, sending his cock and balls flopping around for Emerald to see. He could feel his face turning pink, well, pinker than it was currently. Emerald leaned in close to the glass, staring intently between the boy's legs. Staring at his 'dick.'

“...What is this?”

“...my dick?”

“It's some kind of...floppy meat tube. And what appears to be...what I'm guessing is some sort of birthing pouch.”

Lars crossed his legs, trying to cover his balls.

“Well, you're not completely wrong.”

“This is a dick? This weird little-

“Little!?”

“Wiggle-stick! And to think I thought you had a weapon, HA! Scan this dick, and the rest of him too.”

The red light passed over Lars again. There was a series of beeps, then a synthetic ping noise. Tourmaline's eyes went wide.

“Well, what are they?”

“...H-Human, commander.”

“Ha, but really, what is it?”

Tourmaline turned the screen towards Emerald. Lars couldn't make heads or tails of the Gem text on the computer, but immediately recognized the image of a set of cave drawings. Emerald balked in disbelief.

“But the Diamonds said they were destroyed!”

Lars bonked against the glass.

“No, we humans survived, Emerald! And I just sent my second in command back to Earth to alert the ARMADA to launch a FULL SCALE INVASION!”

Lars put on his best unhinged face, staring the green Gem down.

“And if we survived an attack from the DIAMONDS...what chance do you think YOU have?”

Emerald took a step back, horrified. What had she done!? If the Diamonds couldn't stop these Humans, no wonder they lied to her. If she'd known an entire PLANET of these monsters was out there...

“Wait! Wait wait wait, there's no need to escalate this conflict to a planetary scale! Name your terms.”

“Easy. Let me out and send me back home!”

“Tourmaline, release the prisoner!”

“Are you sure that's wise, Commander?”

Emerald shook as she watched Lars kick against the glass.

“I fear it would be less wise not to. Do it!”

Lars dropped to the ground as the tube rose up. Emerald leaned in close to her adjutant.

“Quickly, are the warp pads to Earth still active?”

“Checking....yes!”

“Triangulate to one then offset to a nearby settlement. Look for organics with similar genetic markers!”

“I have one. Lots of humans, at least two with complementary markers to the one here!”

Emerald snapped back up, staring Lars down as one would a tiger.

“There. We're sending you back home now. Now, you swear you'll stop this invasion nonsense, I hope?”

“I can try, but my second in command is rather bloodthirsty. I'll do my best.”

Tourmaline leaned over.

“Target locked.”

“Beam him, hurry, get it out of here!”

Lars grinned triumphantly. His plan had worked! Now he was going to be back on Earth with all his-

All. His friends.

“Wait wait wait, what about my-

VOOOOOM! A beam of white light engulfed the young man as he was sent hurtling through space, arms still tied behind his back, cock and balls and buttcheeks flopping and jiggling amongst the stars.

“-clothes!?”

Lars landed on a wooden floor under blinding lights. Why did he keep getting blinded today? He couldn't even shade his eyes with his hands tied behind his back. Where was he? He craned his neck up, staring out into...

“Lars!?”

“Son, is that you? Why on earth are you nude!?”

“Holy crud, why is he pink?”

“Nice birthday suit, man! Loving the dye job down south, ha ha!”

As his eyes became used to the light, the crowd of people staring at his naked body came into acute focus. His parents looked on horrified from the back row, and Sour Cream was already taking pictures on his phone.

His shoulders jerked as he tried, and failed, to cover up on instinct. He clenched his teeth, feeling his mouth begin to dry out as the pang of aching embarrassment snapped across his back like a rubber band. Everyone he knew could see his dick. And his balls. Everything.

“...hell of a welcome...home party...”

Story written by fellow patron and friend Baconface.