[update] I believe it's time for me to be acknowledge it

No beating around the bush or stalling.

I have an anxiety disorder.

There is no chapter today. That's because I didn't finish it. I've had a particularly nasty episode these past few days, and it's reached a point where I believe it's time for me to be more clear with myself and my audience.

I'm generally rather terrified about sharing stuff in regard to my health, especially mental since I am always afraid of encountering backlash or being called out for whatever random reason anxiety likes to conjure up. But if I'm already going to be keeping my audience updated, I believe that being fully transparent is the best way forward. Because, you know, can't really solve a problem unless you acknowledge that it's there.

So, you might remember that I mentioned getting my health checked up. I did. I'm fine. Healthy across the board with no serious health problems (other than IBS, hehe xd). Which leaves a glaring question that I just have no answer for: Why in the flying fuck do I feel so bad all the time? 

I have a stress disorder. This is something I have a diagnosis for from when I pulled up to the ER with hyperventilation due to breathing problems a few years back. But reading more about it and learning about the differences between stress and anxiety, I can only conclude that it's well past the time to see a mental health professional. It's very likely that I have problems with both. 

And this has also likely been true for a long time. 

It might be strange that the fact I near-constantly live in existential dread casually flew over my head, but mental health issues have this way of sneaking up on you. 

"I can't have an anxiety disorder. I'm in a good mood today," said me like a braindead moron. Well, probably shouldn't be too harsh on myself for this one. I've studied psychology, and I know that failing to seek help is just something that people with such problems tend to do. 

When it comes to realizing that it isn't normal to live your life constantly in fight or flight, we all turn into Skyrim NPCs and blame the wind or some shit as soon as we feel fine for a moment. Must have been the weather. Sigh. 

I'm gonna be 100 with y'all. I'm a man. I also live in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Finding quality mental health treatment will be a challenge, and it will likely take me some time to figure things out. And while this is very unpleasant to come to terms with, a lot of the responsibility falls on... me. 

So what have I been doing? 

... Not much, unfortunately. I've relapsed into heavy social media use to cope with it, and... yeah. Haven't even really been walking or exercising or anything, either. But I did start drinking less coffee! That's not nothing. Yay me. 

As for the part that concerns you guys... Look, my ultimate goal is to increase my overall writing output. But keeping up with constant deadlines is killing me. And I ain't kidding; stress gonna give me a heart attack at this rate, bro will log out by 30. I'm literally balding (not a joke, although that might be unrelated to this).

You'll still see chapters at more/less the same rate, and with time, the frequency of releases should increase as I get a better grasp on my condition. But they might not be as consistent. Sometimes, I probably will have days where it just hits me like an 18-wheeler, and the last thing I need at times like that, as I've learned over the course of the past few days, is additional stress from having to force myself to shit out slop I won't be happy with.

Thank you guys an absolute ton for everything. In the last few updates, you folks have shown me nothing but kindness and patience. I promise that what goes around comes around, and I'll do my absolute best to ensure that you get the best goddamn writing you've ever seen in your life. Y'all inspire me and drive me forward. Thank you again.

And cheers. Have a good one :D