The Shitty Things We Do
Added 2017-11-17 04:15:57 +0000 UTCI know I extend the benefit of the doubt to people too much. People who obviously, publicly fuck up, hurt others.
I just... I know that’s part of being human. We’re messy. We hurt people. Sometimes very, very badly. And... hopefully we learn better. I think there’s very few Genuinely Bad People. The rest of us, we THINK we’re in the right when we do the shitty things we do.
The actions I’m most ashamed of, the memories of my past behavior that haunt me in the back of my mind every day; I thought I was right. At the time, I mean. I thought I was the protagonist of the story, navigating the bad guys and bullies of my Hero’s Tale. My extending the benefit of the doubt to others isn’t some superior ability to empathize with and see the good in others. It comes from a selfish place. I’m seeing them the way I hope the people I’ve wronged may see me one day. I'm not hoping they will forgive me, but I am trying to forgive myself.
All this to say... Matt and I finally accepted that a person we’ve had in our life for seven years, who showed us over and over how destructive and inconsiderate and... well, how cruel they can be to others, we’ve finally accepted that’s really who he is. I mean, obviously he is not exclusively those things! He also possesses many other positive qualities that we really enjoyed and admired in him. There’s a reason we maintained a relationship with him for so long, we appreciated his company and insight and creativity. The adventures we had together, the stories we shared, his shy, crooked smile and eyes that softened when he laughed at my jokes.
And I feel... just fuckin’ dumb. I always made excuses for him— well, not EXCUSES, but I invented reasons for his behavior. “He just didn’t know any better, he doesn’t know how to communicate well, he’s reacting from a place of hurt…” I saw a person in immediate pain who I believed would heal in time and grow from his experiences.
But.
Hm.
Last night we finally accepted he fundamentally cannot empathize with others, that he probably is a narcissist.
And I’m just so disappointed. In him. In us.
Like.
I thought he was better than that. I projected him being better onto him.
And really, at my selfish little core, I was projecting that belief onto him because I want to be better than the hurt I’ve caused. So even when I’m being benevolent and empathic to another, it’s still All About Me underneath it all.
Selfish little me.
Anyway.
Matt and I quietly gave up on a seven year long relationship last night. Not even because he’d wronged us, but for how he treats others. Well, we gave up on our projected image of him, I mean. We gave up seeing the version of him we desperately wanted to exist.
Sigh.
What can you do? Just keep living, keep learning, keep trying to do better.
Comments
Hey Elizabeth, I rarely meet a fellow Aspie poly, I would love to chat more with you, but I don't see a way to privately message on Patreon? Do you know how to do this?
booellean
2017-12-11 01:43:32 +0000 UTCFellow poly Aspie here! I also am having trouble with this. It feels like sometimes "communication is #1" gets weaponized against me such that anytime something bad happens relationship wise it's my fault for not communicating clearly, even if the other person shares culpability.
Elizabeth Terlinden
2017-12-11 01:34:21 +0000 UTCCollage actually! I worked for them for 2.5 years-ish. I miss Muse already. And thank you for doing the important work that you do!
J C Trimboli
2017-11-22 19:58:20 +0000 UTCOh dang, what art store? Muse (RIP) or Blick? Thank you so much for sharing your experience here with me, I really appreciated reading it ♥
Erika Moen
2017-11-21 06:13:28 +0000 UTCYou don't know me personally (you came into the art supply store where I was working at the time a couple years ago, I recognized you & said hey, but that's the extent of it), but I really admire the work you do and feel compelled to comment on this & say I've had several similar experiences. Recently, two people who I really admired & looked up to cut me out of their sphere over a petty disagreement (on FB, no less) and it hurt me more than I was expecting it to. Not just that they were willing to drop me like I am nothing to them, but because it made me reflect on how we put people on pedestals or create this embellished 'idea' of a person in our minds. I'd done it with people before, and realizing a person isn't who you thought they were is always hard. But what was harder for me was realizing how many times I'd engaged in that very same behavior of dumping people from my life over issues that, had I been willing to face, could have been worked out. But there's a line between cutting someone out of your life because you're mad at them, and doing it because you have to protect yourself. It sounds like what you & Matt are doing is the latter, and it's a tough, brave thing to do. I hope you can find closure in your decision, and that the person in question can do some soul-searching of their own.
J C Trimboli
2017-11-17 21:05:31 +0000 UTCI have a history of dating sociopaths who lie to me, and one thing that always surprises me is that, in the end, they view me as this little project that needs to be fixed. "Oh you're not monogamous? Poor girl, you don't understand love/commitment" or "oh, you get mad when I sleep with other girls without telling you? How cute, you're not really ployamorous" + "LET ME HELP YOU" as though I was incapable if making and understanding my own decisions. I have aspergers, and it's really hard to tell when someone is lying to me, and I was constantly taken advantage of. If it weren't for the help and generosity of others throughout my life, be it mentors, friends, or my Matt who suffers the same things but in different ways, I never would have been able to leave my abusive past. I found out that I feel obligated to help others who are hurting as a result, which attracts me to those people. It took a long time for me to accept that, and in time I've found that these unhealthy behaviors in myself were something I had to acknowledge, even if it didn't feel like I was doing that. No one is a bad person for trying to see the good in others. It's okay that it's hard to admit that some people really are just bad cause that means we are trying.
booellean
2017-11-17 16:44:18 +0000 UTC
