Less noise~
Added 2021-06-09 03:22:13 +0000 UTCI thought a lot about what to post. Probably thought about it too much. So much that I was psyching myself out of it every single time. I talk too much, I feel like I need to explain everything in excruciating detail. And I know it's not really making anyone happy. Even if explanations are in order, I probably shouldn't feel such need to try and bare my entire soul every time. It's exhausting to write, and I'm sure it's just as exhausting to read. It just feels like noise right now, considering everything that needs to get done. I realize people want to know what's going on in my offline life, and I want to share, but maybe it isn't the right time for it. I really don't want to burn out before I even start. Until things feel stable again I wanna try cutting back on writing novels for updates just to fill the void, so that I can focus on the important things (y'know.. actually getting stuff done). I feel like that would accomplish more.
I've definitely lost touch with the group quite a bit over the last year, just with control moving away from me in so many aspects. It's been incredibly disorienting. The thing is I still have final say on most of the big or sensitive issues and I don't think I've handled the transition very well because it's constantly a battle to catch up when I feel so lost in everything, and only getting to experience the stressful side of work when I was around was wearing me down. Like I was kind of devastated I wasn't able to participate during kittsunami, the right choice I know given I had work pending but missing out on one of my favorite events to come out of the group crushed my motivation.
Right now it feels like I'm in this weird detached limbo, where I'm not sure what's even happening half the time or what I should do next. Which honestly, isn't all bad because the group does have the potential to function autonomously one day. Just not quite yet, and right now that means I'm not the only one feeling lost and confused and the community suffers for it. On that front I'll be continuing to work with the mods so that my absence from administration (as I want to focus more on the creative end) doesn't cause a full stop on group progress. It's been tricky finding a balance.
I still want to keep going. This time stay focused on work and let myself have the quiet headspace I need to get things done. I'm not sure how different this will feel to everyone else because I'll still be doing updates, but for me, giving myself permission to keep things short and to the point still feels like a substantial relief. Please bear with me a little bit, I'll be keeping future updates as concise as possible until things are back under control (This one ran long like usual, but I wanted to make sure I covered certain points before I swapped to a different routine).
For now I need to reorient myself. Nai has a laundry list of things for me to address (bless her hard work) and I'm looking through backlogs and will update again on Monday at the latest, sooner if I have news, but I'm anticipating a few days of feeling overwhelmed as things start to sink in again. I'd like to actually stay on schedules that I can maintain, and Monday for next update feels achievable. I've also set aside times for internal meetings during the week.
Emotionally, I'm as fragile as ever, one giant anxiety ball. Can absolutely already feel the panic attack building as I write this, so I'll probably shut everything down after I post and pick up again tomorrow so I can try to head it off before it sets in fully. But I. Desperately. Want to reconnect. Losing touch with everyone, with my work, it's so utterly demoralizing. And the constant anxiety about it makes me want to crawl into a hole and just stay there (where I've been recently). But Eyre is still my love, the desire to continue building the world with everyone is never ever going to go away. So time to try yet another approach, with less noise. Hopefully it won't feel like I'm sharing less moving forward, but that the things I do share are more significant~ Less talk, more walk kinda deal.
/deep breaths @.@
Comments
If you are as upset with the way things are going as we are, I am begging you to please take a break (and by break, I mean actually pausing our inflow of money, or moving our sc reward, which is the only reward we receive right now, to completely on site). If you know that you are making 1k+ a month off of 7sc, why not just give us more benefit to actually sticking around? A majority of our frustrations come from the fact that you are heavily profiting off of this patreon and not necessarily doing anything to maintain it (now that sc is automated) and our concerns regarding it aren't being acknowledged. I honestly just think that you are shouldering both the arpg and your personal patreon as one thing, when really, it should be two separate responsibilities. Not all of us are here for just the sc. Not all of us are here for just your content. We're all here for a mix of reasons, which makes giving us what we want exceptionally difficult (which I fullheartedly acknowledge and understand), but I think you need to do something about it, instead of mounting all of these various concerns but not really seeing any one acceptable solution. Please, please reconsider moving the sc reward and other paywalled rewards as a "cash shop" to the site if you don't want to reconsider the small amount of arpg reward we get every month. I know I and many others would be much happier if we didn't feel strangled by the confines of the patreon, and would also be extremely happy if some of the suggestions (such as mod shops that seasonally host various traits) were available as a way to directly support the mods we see every day as well. (Just as an aside, these sorts of shops would be INFINITELY appreciated, evem if they aren't hosted by mods/go directly to mods). I am sorry if any of this comes off as harsh, but we can all see that it's not just us suffering, but you are as well. This has been going on for years. This is a business, not just a passion project (although I do understand that it is both). We all have our demons. This patreon obviously just adds on to it. Please consider dividing up the responsibilities not just of the behind the scenes work, but also the rewards you provide us.
2021-06-09 04:15:49 +0000 UTCSmall steps are better than no steps... And all you can do is take one at a time. It's nice that you're starting to process everything and try to find what it is you want. I think it's a good idea to pass off more of the administrative work to Nai. She is absolutely wonderful and I can see why you two must be such good friends and make even better partners if you can trust her to just... lead. A lot of times we wind up lost in the creativity of it all but our cluttered minds with so many ideas can't organize it ourselves all the time. Not only that, I don't know about you but I get really protective of my stuff and don't want people making decisions for me. It can be hard. But perhaps in allowing the mods to run group stuff it will allow you the time you need to just... be. Exist. Find yourself. Enjoy the art. Enjoy the creative side. Find your way to reconnect to your baby. I hope that you follow through and allow the mods the power they need to effectively run the group and allow you your space to finish what you need to do. Baby steps. I look forward to seeing you around and hopefully trying to dab your toes back into some streaming or just existing. :) Even just a little presence can help calm the craze.
Alibastar
2021-06-09 03:33:15 +0000 UTC
