Hot Tub Love Machine - 12

Iggy and Lucas were close before Theo left, but when Theo left it was Iggy's insistence that kept Lucas from disappearing down his own hole. I'm pretty sure I said, Lucas and Iggy weren't really close until she grew tits and he grew interested. 12's a pretty good number for that. I'll do a long pass on the whole story today.

Neal Johnstone

Just letting you know about an inconsistency I noticed in the story. In a previous chapter you stated that Lucas did not become friends with Iggy until after Theo left. In this chapter you know that they were close been friends since at least she was 12 maybe even earlier.

Nick Cartwright

That's kinda the game I wanted to play with this one. Lucas, when he didn't believe it, then Iggy because it's fun... And more to come.

Neal Johnstone

While i have come around quite a bit to the whole setting, one tip from me: Avoid the whole "date rape"-joke in future, because if push comes to shove...well the "love" potion is indeed a date rape drug and yes, Lukas is kind of an ass for using them. Not that i dont get the whole "hes a good guy"-angle here, but the more you try to justify him basically roofing all his friends...the more akward it becomes and the more i start to think about the moral of using chemicals to influence the behaviour of your friends to have sex with them :D Come to think of it: It would probably be more believable that Lukas is a good guy if HE was not the person putting the stuff into the hot-tub at least after having received proof that yes, indeed that love potion is working. Sorry for rambling, but that whole consent-issue is kinda creepily handed by Lukas :D

Thank you so much for these! I'm really happy to get that whole ye olde cereal of yore fiasco fixed.

Neal Johnstone

Another round of corrections for another great chapter! Mostly small typos this time. "She wouldn’t’ve forgiven me.” Considering the context the double contraction is fine because it doesn't need to be grammatically correct, but I still hate that you made me read it and say "couldn't've" in my head so many times speech lost all meaning. "as she slipped the bed," Out of, I presume. “Fine, your getting cereal,” Wrong yeir. "she was changing her mood much happier." Making her mood much happier? I'm not sure if this is technically wrong, but it sounds off to me. "I ‘ve only ever--ever--ever liked you!" Sentence is fine but the spacing or the apostrophe on I've is screwed up. "pulled her by the hair forward." This reminds me of the mistakes I make with French sentence structure; should be "pulled her forward by the hair," since forward is modifying pulled, not hair. "started down at Dawn." An extra t snuck into stared. "I stop dragging her by the hair" For tense consistency, should be stopped. "You need to clothes your lips to start sucking" What kind of scantily clad tramp would forget to wear their lip clothes? "Amazed and how quickly she gave in as I kissed her." Sentence fragment is fine because it's a thought, but I think and is supposed to be at.