Going through the Grieving Process...

Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to write this in part to keep you updated on something that has happened to me and my family, and also, perhaps, as some form of dealing with the grief; its almost as if telling other people about this is a way for our suffering to be seen. I also consider this a community, and feel that I should continue to be open and honest about my life, as I have always been on the show.

This week, me and my wife lost our baby. My wife, as some may know, was 5 months pregnant with our daughter, and out of nowhere she began to have some concerning symptoms. I was recording for our various shows and got a call saying her doctor told her to go to the E.R. I immediately left and met her there. In a matter of hours we went from concerned, to hopeful, to devastated, as it became clear this was not going to end well.

Ill spare you the medical details, but suffice it to say that a rare and completely unforeseen issue with her pregnancy arose, and we lost our little girl. Still, my wife had to go through the entire birthing process, knowing she was giving birth to a baby that would perish in the very process of that birth, and that she had no other options but to go through with it.

Yesterday, at 3:58pm our daughter was both born, and pronounced dead. The heartbreak and trauma we are going through as a couple and as a family is more intense than I ever thought was possible and which is deeper than words can express. Today, we got discharged from the hospital, set up cremation services with a local mortuary, and had to come home to our daughter's room - to her empty crib and her baby clothes. All of this happened within a 48 hour window. Emotionally, it feels like being hit by a fucking bus. Our hearts are shattered.

We also had the brutal experience of having to explain what happened to our 11 and 5 year old children, as well as our nieces and nephews, ranging from age 4 to 13, to whom we are very close.

As part of the birthing and grieving process, which began in earnest simultaneously, we were able to give her a name: Winter Amor. This entire thing happened while a huge blizzard descended on Omaha, and seeing as our experience played out in unison with the storm, we decided to name her Winter: a season that is cold, dark, and brutal *as well as* gorgeous, soft, and silent. And of course, Amor is Spanish for "love"... Both names we came up with on the spot as they seemed to just fit the moment.

In any case, I am asking nothing of any of you, and I can promise that I will still faithfully put out our normal content in something like a normal window of time. I just wanted to inform you all - the very people who pay our bills and feed my family - that this has happened, and will be something that sticks with me forever, and changes me in the process, I am sure. On the bright side, the outpouring of love and compassion and support from family, friends, comrades, and listeners so far has been overwhelming for us, and has been the sole rock we have leaned on in these incredibly difficult times; once again proving the absolute necessity of human community and love. 

Tears pour out of my eyes as I write this, and I wonder if this is even appropriate. But I felt the emotional urge to put this out there, and I honored that, thinking (read: hoping) that it will be part of a protracted process of healing from this very specific and brutal type of trauma.

I also want to articulate my admiration and love for my wife, who not only shared in the emotional trauma, but went through a physical trauma that I cannot even imagine; and she did so with a grace and a courage that will leave a mark on my soul for the rest of my time on this Earth.

Our love goes out to all of you, and particularly those who have experienced any sort of loss of a loved one. This is a part of the human condition, and the only thing we can do in the face of such monumental suffering is to let it deepen us and allow it to connect us with all beings who have grieved in the face of tremendous loss. We woefully partake in that ocean of tears upon which all of humanity floats, and we try to turn our individual suffering into pure, loving compassion for all beings who suffer; which is to say all beings.

Rest in Peace Winter, My Love <3