If We Spoke About Real Life the Way We Speak About Kink
Added 2024-11-05 07:38:11 +0000 UTCI heard that you cooked a crap pasta for your boyfriend the other night. If you don’t start preparing better food, the entire restaurant industry will collapse under the weight of canned tuna and savoury jelly moulds. Not a single Michelin star will remain, and it will all be your fault.
You’re buying a Mini? You can’t do that. That’s not what the Ancient Romans drove.
I’m sorry you’re not interested in Spiderman movies, but I know a guy called Norman who likes superheroes, so you must, too or you’re a fake cinephile.
Have you considered becoming better at yoga? Because every time you fuck up the warrior pose, I can feel it all the way on the other side of the world. Basically, your complete lack of stretching skill is wrecking my day. Yes, every day.
I heard you reported your mugger to the police. People like you are ruining it for nice guys like me who don’t mug people.
Back in the good old days, when people burgled houses, we used to send them invitations to our weddings because false accusations and equal rights. What’s that? Am I inviting your friend Susan to my wedding? And your friend Jack and Norma and your mum? Well, not exactly, but that’s just because we had to dedicate an entire table to burglars.
If you refuse to eat fried crickets, you’re not a real foodie.
Hi. How R U? Now you’ve got to let me live in your basement because I said hi. How R U?
All landlords are evil and unjust because they keep asking me for references which is a complete invasion of my privacy. My ‘How R U’ should be enough because I’m a nice guy.
