Fet Restraining Orders Aren't the Solution to Every Stalking

Fetlife has a remarkably effective tool for dealing with stalkers. It’s called a Fetlife Restraining Order, and it requires both parties to block one another. From that day forth, neither of you may reference one another on the site again. If either of you does so, you'll get a timeout for up to three months. Theoretically, the offender will be banned from the site if they rack up enough timeouts.

I might be wrong. I might be right, but I believe dedicated scene members are less amenable to throwing away their profiles or reputations, so they’re more likely to honour the terms of your restraining order eventually.

FROs don't work quite as well if your harasser is only on Fetlife to spread vitriol. They see their profiles as replaceable, so perma-bans aren't a problem for them. If they know how to hide their identities, they can simply burn through timeout after timeout after timeout.

Before you request a restraining order, consider the best and worst-case scenarios.

At worst, your stalker will violate the terms of your restraining order repeatedly. You will not. You have too much to lose and don’t want to serve repeated timeouts or bans. You will be silent while your harasser continues their smear campaign. That leaves you without the capacity to defend yourself against false information. Perma bans don't always happen.

I’ve had restraining orders that were highly effective. They put an end to the problem so that everyone could go on with their lives. It's not always going to play out that way. It’s in the nature of stalkers to obsess about their targets, often for years.

The more obsessive your stalker is, the less effective your restraining order will be, so don’t treat them as the default solution. First try to work out how much obsession you're working with and how harmful they can be if you lose your voice.

I've had a Fetlife restraining order with a stalker for two years. He's served more timeouts than I can count for violating it. He's currently on a three-month stint, but the caretakers simply won't ban him. I can't speak out. I can't defend myself. I can't even write to him to tell him to stop. I have to just sit back and remain silent. If you have an obsessive stalker, this will be your future. 

If you end up with someone who's likely to pursue you for years, I'd suggest taking it to the justice system if you can afford to. No internet tool is an adequate response to a crime.