My Kink Scene Red Flags

This is a list of my own subjective red flags. I decided not to post an objective list because sometimes, intuition exposes important truths. These are the traits I stay the hell away from. They needn’t be the traits everyone stays the hell away from. Treat this like a pile of communal cards. Take what you can use. Leave what you can’t.

• Was “treated terribly” by the local scene and has stopped doing events as a result. These are often our consent violators.
• Doesn’t need you to have a safe word. She just knows.
• Expresses disappointment over your soft or hard limits. Experienced, ethical tops know how important it is to accept limits graciously as inarguable laws.
• Has seven female subs, all of whom are monogamous and hail from nether states. You must give up your job, family, and life to join the “polycule”. That home might be happy, but it’s a risk I’m unwilling to take.
• Eats cupcakes—another risk I’m unwilling to take.
• Can’t tolerate a hard “no,” but can’t hear a soft “no.” That’s a recipe for far too much self-sacrifice and too few boundaries.
• Displays signs of contempt. This one isn’t one of those subjective red flags I referenced at the start of the post. It is abuse specialist, Lundy Bankroft’s, first red flag for domestic abuse. You might not be able to sniff out contempt if you’ve never been abused before, but if you have, it will be as obvious as a blue sky. You can pick it up in anybody.
• Has a five-day-old profile. Claims this is not their first profile. They were just away because of life stuff. By all means, have a life, but I’ve noticed something these kinds of profiles have in common: Contempt.
• Has ever said anything negative about cupcakes. I have a cult to run. I can’t have any PR problems.
• Has seven slaves, all of whom quit their jobs and started doing sex work on the same website within weeks of starting their relationship. The kink scene did it first, Andrew Tate, and they will do it again.
• Doesn’t do any of that “traffic light bullshit”. If you ask for a slowdown, you will be punished with a stop.
• Has an album full of homemade smut, none of which tags the people in the pictures. Can anyone say "intimate image abuse"?
• Is brand new to kink but knows everything already. You can’t educate someone who thinks they’re an expert.
• Calls himself an alpha, or worse, an alpha dom.
• Anorexia kink.
• Paw print avatar. (If you have a pawprint avatar and don’t know why this is a red flag, you probably need to remove it. That’s how bestiality fetishists signal their sexual tastes.)
• Taboo.
• Belongs to The Real Gentlemen of Fetlife. I’ve hardly ever met gentlemen from that group, but I have met quite a few dangerous people.
• Thinks all subs need his guidance.
• Is resentful that Fetlife allows Only Fans models to use the site. That means:
• a) They don’t know what FOSTA even is, and that’s not my thing.
• b) They’d rather have an entire demographic of people removed from the site than click a “commercial profiles” filter.
• c) They’re in a rather big rush to get laid, such that any “noise” is inconvenient to them. If women who don’t want to fuck you are inconvenient to you, you’re inconvenient to me.
• Has ever taken a bite out of someone else's cupcake. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

Before you rush into the comments to tell me one or more of these points are wrong, my red flags are not a democracy, and yours aren’t either.

As always, I’m suggesting you read The Gift of Fear. It’s best resource I know of for staying safe in the scene, even if it doesn’t even mention the scene.