Forbidden Tech

The Haunted Controller

"This is a very special device," the devil shopkeep says ominously. "It's a controller guaranteed to make you win any set." "What's the catch?" I ask. "In exchange, you will die alone, unloved and unlamented." "Oh," I reply disappointedly. "I think I already have one of those."

The Cursed Hand Warmers

The haggard, old shopkeep leers offensively in my direction. "My dear boy," he cackles, apoplectically. "I have a very precious device to offer you." "Oh yeah?" I reply, unamused. "It's a pair of hand warmers guaranteed to keep your hands warm, even in the coldest of conditions." "What's the catch?" I ask, skeptically. "In exchange for warm hands, you will have a cold heart -- never to be warmed by the hands of a lover." "Oh cool," I reply excitedly. "Sounds like there's no downside."

The Very Scary Television Set

"You won't believe this," the horse-faced shopkeep says, excitedly. "I just came into possession of this incredible TV." "What's so special about it?" I ask, disbelievingly. "It's haunted." "Nothing is haunted," I reply confidently. "Okay, I'll prove it." He turns the TV on. A moment later, the picture slowly develops, and then it starts running in reverse. "See?" he says, triumphantly. "It's working in reverse." "That's because the tape is playing backwards," I reply dubiously. "Incorrect," the devil shopkeep asserts. "This is live television... playing in reverse. It has started at some point in the future and runs back to the present moment." I stare at the screen, intensely. "That's some pretty advanced technology," I admit. "What's the catch?" I ask the devil shopkeep smugly. "Anyone who watches it will die of cancer," the devil shopkeep replies. "Well, it's a little too late for that guy," I reply, gesturing to the dead body slumped over in the seat. "Oh," the devil shopkeep says, saddened. "I forgot about him. He was my best friend." "That's okay," I reply, cheerily. "We're all going to die of cancer some day."

The Haunted Teddy Bear

The grizzled, haggard shopkeep thrusts a furry bear into my arms. "This bear," he says, "Is a retired war hero... killed in action." "That's rough," I say, sympathetically. "What makes him special?" "He's haunted," the shopkeep says, excitedly. "Haunted?" I reply, spooked to my very core. "That's hard to believe." "Why don't you try it out?" the shopkeep says, enthusiastically. "No way" I reply. "I'm not gonna touch that thing." "I'm just trying to sell this bear," the shopkeep replies. "I'm low on cash this month, and I really need you to buy this bear." "Okay, I'll buy it," I say, exasperatedly. "How much?" "You can't afford it," the shopkeep says, dismissively. "Plus, your idiot money is no good here." "Well I'll take it," I say, confidently. "I'll just use my PowerCard." "We don't take PowerCard here," the devil shopkeep replies. "Your idiot PowerCard is no good here."

The Haunted Analog Clock

The shopkeep thrusts a rusted, broken clock into my hands. "This clock," he says, proudly, "was owned by a suicide victim." "Oh, that's sad." I reply. "I don't really want to buy this clock." "No, this clock is haunted, you see," the shopkeep says, excitedly. "Just take it home and set it up on your wall." "Why would I do that?" I ask, cautiously. "Because when you hang the clock on your wall, it will automatically adjust itself to show you the time of your death." "So I know exactly when I'll die?" I ask. "You'll know the time, but not the date," the shopkeep replies, cackling ominously. "I'll take it," I say, hesitantly. I put the clock on my wall and it automatically adjusts to read 1:00 pm, exactly 30 minutes from now. I take a deep breath and pray for a visit with The Grim Reaper.

The Cursed Copy of Super Smash Bros for the Nintendo Switch

"I have just the thing for you," the shopkeep says, eagerly. "A haunted copy of Super Smash Bros for the Nintendo Switch." "How is it haunted?" I ask, curiously. "You can only select Samus and Richter from the character select screen" the shopkeep says, excitedly. "What's the catch?" I ask. "There is no catch. Those are my two favorite characters." "I'm sorry to hear that" I say, while patting the devil shopkeep on the back. "If you accepted PowerCard you might have more friends."

The Haunted Cellphone

The shopkeeper thrusts a cell phone into my hand. "I have just the thing for you," she says, devilishly. "A haunted cellphone." "What's the catch?" I ask, wary of the sinister spook-keeper. "Owning the haunted cellphone will cause you to get a lot of phone calls... very late at night." "Okay," I reply, coolly. "That doesn't sound too bad." "From the grave," the shopkeeper says, spookily. "Then that's a deal breaker," I say, while putting the phone back onto the shelf. "There are a lot of dead people out there who aren't too happy with me, let's put it that way."

The Haunted Sports Jacket

The shopkeeper thrusts a jacket into my hands. "Here," he says, eagerly. "You just try it on." "What do you have?" I ask, suspiciously. "It's a haunted sports jacket," the shopkeeper says. "That's a great item, everyone wants one of those." "What makes it so great?" I ask, still suspicious. "It protects you from all kinds of danger," the shopkeeper says, triumphantly. "How do you know?" I ask, incredulously. "I had a customer with one of those jackets who died by a shark attack." "That's a shame," I say, sympathetically. "Didn't the jacket protect him?" "No," the shopkeeper replies. "He wasn't wearing it. He didn't want to get it wet." "Does the jacket have any other powers?" I ask, dubiously. "Yes," the shopkeeper says, proudly, "it attracts sharks from a distance."

The Haunted Folding Chair

"You need this chair," the shopkeep says, maniacally. "What do you mean?" "It's the coziest most comfortable chair in the entire galaxy." "Oh, is that all?" I reply, encouragingly. "And I'll throw in this haunted canteen for free." "Just a chair and a canteen?" I ask, suspiciously. "What's in the canteen?" "The Fountain of Youth," the shopkeep replies, knowingly. "But there's a catch." "Of course there is," I reply, exasperated. "The catch is that it keeps you young by aging all the people around you," the shopkeep says, sheepishly. "So what's the story with this chair?" I ask, discontentedly. "The best haunted chair ever made," the shopkeep replies, triumphantly. "It can only be purchased by a special someone." "Who?" I ask, hopefully. "You," the shopkeep says, winking and grinning. "I was afraid of that," I reply. "What's the catch?" I ask the shopkeep, suspiciously. "When you sit in this chair, everyone you love will hate you," the shopkeep replies, darkly. "And they all die," he continues, sincerely. "...and you die alone." "I thought you were supposed to be selling me the haunted chair," I reply, angrily. "I'm sorry," the shopkeep replies, thickly. "I'm just being honest with you -- this chair is really fucked up."