MY PERFECT DATE [UNCUT]

MY PERFECT DATE: A FIST FULL OF SOUR PATCH KIDS, A CHUNK OF PEWTER, A MATCH BOX FILLED WITH KIDNEY STONES, AND A 1996 COPY OF READER RABBIT (SHAREWARE).

I PUT ON A COPY OF KAVINSKY'S NIGHTCALL. I'M DOING PUSH-UPS IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN THE MOMENT YOU WALK IN. I HAND YOU A CRISP $2.00 BILL AND A STACK OF PANCAKES SO HIGH YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE MY PERFECT PUSH-UP FORM. I SLAP A GAME GENIE OUT OF YOUR HAND BECAUSE I'M A REGISTERED E-GAMER. THE ONLY CHEAT CODE I NEED IS WHEY PROTEIN ISOLATE, HARD BOILED EGGS, AND A BAG OF CABBAGE. I HAND YOU A FISTFUL OF SOUR PATCH KIDS AND WITHIN MINUTES YOU'RE HALLUCINATING FROM THE SUGAR HIGH. I INVITE YOU TO THE COUCH. YOU OBLIGE.

I'M STILL IN THE KITCHEN SMACKING MY CHEST AGAINST THE PAVEMENT WITH EVERY PERFECT PUSH-UP. THE PERCUSSIVE SOUND OF EACH SUBSEQUENT PUSH-UP ECHOES ENDLESSLY IN THE SPACE BETWEEN MOMENTS, BRINGING BOTH OF US EVER CLOSER TO CLIMAX. I PICK MYSELF OFF THE GROUND AND WAVEDASH TO YOU. YOU'VE ALREADY BROKEN INTO MY 1996 COPY OF READER RABBIT (MALWARE). YOU APPEAR TO BE STRUGGLING AND I REMIND MYSELF I NEED TO MARRY THIS GIRL. I TALK TO YOU ABOUT TWO-FACTOR AUTHENTICATION. YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW YOUR PARENTS DIED IN A MURDER-SUICIDE. I ASK YOU IF YOU THINK MY BICEPS ARE TOO BIG FOR THIS TUNIC. YOU TELL ME ABOUT HOW YOU BLAME YOURSELF FOR YOUR PARENTS' DEATH. I TELL YOU THAT I CAN SHRED 14 NOTES PER MINUTE ON MY ELECTRIC GUITAR AT PEAK PERFORMANCE. YOU TELL ME THAT THE PILLS DON'T MAKE THE SADNESS GO AWAY. I TELL YOU THAT THE HARDEST PART ABOUT A PUSH-UP IS GOING UP. YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME AND THAT EVERY DAY YOU DREAM OF RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS OLD TOWN. YOU DREAM ABOUT RUNNING AWAY FROM THE BAD MEMORIES AND THE TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. "CAN WE JUST PICK A DIRECTION AND RUN?", YOU ASK ME. CAN WE? JUST YOU AND ME?

I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S THE SOUR PATCH KIDS, OR THE STONES FORMING DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF MY KIDNEYS, BUT I TAKE YOUR HAND AND START RUNNING. IT BEGINS TO RAIN. I ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF YOUR LIFE TO BE APPROXIMATELY 14,000 UNITS, WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH VALUE. I GRAB YOUR THIN, PALE BICEPS AND SQUEEZE THEM AS THINLY AS POSSIBLE. I TAKE YOU IN MY ARMS AND BRING YOU TO MY CHEST. I KISS YOU GENTLY ON THE LIPS, NOT LIKE THE KISS IN THE NOTEBOOK BUT MORE LIKE THE SEX SCENE IN "FINDING NEMO" (DIRECTOR'S CUT).

IN THE CHAOS OF THE BRUTAL UNIVERSE, YOU ARE MY FIXED POINT. I TELL YOU THAT I WILL TAKE YOU FAR AWAY FROM THIS TOWN AND KEEP YOU SAFE UNTIL MY DYING BREATH. WE FIND A CABIN IN THE WOODS WHERE WE BEGIN A NEW LIFE. FOR 50 YEARS WE LIVE TOGETHER IN PERFECT BLISS. WE HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN TOGETHER. WE FACE HARDSHIPS LIKE ANY COUPLE, BUT WE NEVER HARBOR RESENTMENT FOR ONE ANOTHER. WE COMPLETE EACH OTHER. WE GROW OLD TOGETHER UNTIL, ONE PERFECTLY ORDINARY DAY, YOU DIE. FOR A MOMENT, I CURSE THE WORLD FOR TAKING YOU AWAY FROM ME, BUT I'VE LEARNED TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS IN OLD AGE. I TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT ON ALL THE BEAUTY WE MADE IN THE WORLD TOGETHER. I TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT ON HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE MET YOU. I TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND I THANK THE WORLD FOR BRINGING YOU TO ME ON THAT PERFECT DATE, 50 YEARS AGO.