Deep Leffen Battles Deep Chillindude: Part 1

Scar: It's your boy Scar on commentary and I'm joined by legendary Toph “Mufasa” Toph. Over the past few months, Super Smash Bros Melee legend William "Leffen" Hjelte AKA Big Leff has made a name for himself in the battle rap scene, taking out everybody in his wake. We are live at the studio now in what is being called the "War of the Words." Big Leff AKA Fox Privilege AKA Tech This AKA Ultra Instinct has just entered the battle arena and he appears to be fully torqued.

Toph: A quick warning for all of our viewers at home. This battle will contain explicit lyrics, strong language, and sexual references. If you are a child, do not watch it. If you are a school teacher, do not watch it. If you are at work, do not watch it. If you're a 15-year-old kid who fancies himself the next Nicki Minaj, don't come crying to us when you fuck that dream up. It's a stupid goal that you have no hope of achieving. Find a better goal.

Scar: Right you are, Toph. The energy in the studio is palpable. Every single person in the room is naked and just fucking each other half to death. There is a dog in the studio giving a guy a face tattoo. There is a Goblin from Gringotts Wizarding Bank chained to a radiator. I've never seen anything like it. This is it, this is what we've been waiting for all year! After months of build up, hype, back and forth social media posts, clever disses, viral videos, nudes and lewds, it's finally time to find out who the real GOAT is. But here's the catch... Nah, fuck that there is no catch. This is the shit. What you see is what you get. This is real. LET'S FUCKING GO.

Toph: We got the guy from the Smash Documentary, "Chillindude" AKA Big Chill AKA Respect Your Elders AKA Mr. Flex on your Girl entering the stage on the right. The crowd erupts in applause. They can't get enough of this guy. Big Chill seems to be kissing his biceps. He's now gesturing aggressively toward his crotch area. It's unclear at this point what Big Chill might be suggesting, but one thing is clear: it's provocative.

Scar: Leffen has the first verse. He steps up the mic. He takes his signature deep breath, and he starts off with a bang!

You're not known for winning, and I can't lose for the life of me
Your dropping stocks faster than your financial investments
You're my boy don't you know, take a seat or get gone
They call you Big Chill because your ass is on wrong
I'll throw your ass outside, then I'll get inside your ass I'm gonna send you home with your mouth full of grass.

Scar: Holy shit, Toph. Leffen is implying that Big Chill is a vegetarian or some kind of graminivore based on his fondness for grass. That's a deep cut.

Toph: Right you are, Scar. A lot of people are thinking this is gonna be pretty close. Big Chill is taking his time. He's a serious opponent but has no real meme game, that is for sure. Big Chill confidently approaches the mic.

Yo but first, I'm just here to remind you I don't got a sponsor
I do it for the kids, and they're all autistic
I said that last week, and I hope I still get a follow
My music puts you to sleep, that's fine. Some people need that
I've been working on this shit all day, how do you find the time?
In this round you'll be dead, and you'll be lying in your coffin
While I'm with girl who will also be in a coffin

Scar: Good Lord. Leff is trembling because the shit Big Chillin just said is so deeply offensive that there is a good chance he is going to get cancelled on Twitter. I have a licensed English professor with me here in the studio who said the lyrics read more like an Emily Dickinson poem than a rap, and that really resonates with the baristas in the audience. It looks like Leffen has taken out a cartoonishly oversized quill and is writing down some notes for his next bars.

Toph: I just hope Leffen can clutch this out. I took out a life insurance policy on Big Chill and I'm hoping I can collect at the end of this battle.

Leffen gets back on the mic:

I got an almost perfect IQ of 99 and muscles as strong as Dynamite
If there were a prize for being 2nd, you'd be the runner-up.
If there were a prize for being 3rd, you'd get that prize. That's easy money for you.
From what I understand, there aren't prizes for being 4th.
Check me out on LinkedIn. I just filled out my profile.
FYI, your mom will call you later today,
She says she's worried about you

Toph: Everybody in the audience take note of where you are because people are going to ask, "Where were you when Big Chill was murdered?"

Scar: Man, I don't know how you come back from something like that. It looks like Big Chill brought a knife to a gun fight. I just feel bad, man. Wait, a second. What is happening here? Leff appears to be approaching the mic again.

Toph: This is unorthodox, but Leffen seems to be taking Big Chill’s turn and is delivering yet another verse:

You're like a retired boxer, put a glass of milk on your dick
And when I win I'm gonna roundhouse my own prick
I'll slap you so hard you'll taste the back of my palm
Me and my boy Mang0 gonna kiss on those lips of yours
I bet your wife smells like flowers, a field of tulips
And I bet you're not bad on the nose yourself

Toph: All the talent in the building stops and watches as the crowd cheers and applauds Leffen. He's putting on an unbelievable show. This is top-level battle rap right here. I'm not going to lie. His delivery was solid. I personally don't think Big Chill has a chance in hell of coming back from a verse like that, but let’s give him some space. Remember this guy is a friend of Azen, so he’s actually a big fucking deal. Big Chill walks up to the mic.

I thought we talked about this, keep my wife out of your mouth
Try to direct your hostility towards me, but keep my friends and family out of this
I love my wife more than you'll ever know
We have a love based on mutual respect and admiration for each other
I'll pull my cock out and smash it against this table
If that ain't enough, I'll pull your dick and balls out too
We can make a night out of it, and I’ll be fucking cordial
And guess what, friend? I’ll treat you right
I’ll spank you on the lips and slap you goodnight

Scar: Toph. What did I just listen to? That's right! He brought a gun to a FUCKING KNIFE FIGHT. A lot of people here at the studio are wondering how this is going to affect the industry at large. Big Chill just wrote the 2nd amendment for Battle Rap. It's unknown what sort of rules and guidelines there are for bringing a gun into a rap battle, but we're thinking Big Chill might have just broke the game forever.

Big Chill pulls out tech deck and starts doing finger ollies on the ground.

Toph: Leffen is at the top of the stage, whispering shit directly into Big Chill's ear. I can tell that he is trying to goad Chill into losing his cool. Is that a tactic you would advise Scar?

Scar: I would advise Big Leff to stay focused. He has to stay in control of the crowd. Big Chill has got the drop on him. He can't let Chill get confident. Leffen, I'm looking at you man. Don't let him throw you off your game. We need you to win this.

Toph: Big Chill is cool as can be. The amount of swagger he has on stage is just ridiculous. I can literally feel the oppressive weight of his gigantic balls.

Scar: Big Chill and Leffen aren't going to let the crowd dictate the story though, they are here for themselves, not for the audience. Big Chill is pacing back and forth like a caged animal while he waits for Big Leff to start his verse. Big Leff gallops to the microphone, pretending he's on a horse. He dismounts the horse and takes a breath.

I forgot you played Smash, I thought you wanted an autograph
The only good thing about your Fox is that it made people laugh
I’m going to Six Flags after this, let me know if you wanna join
We’ve been homies forever, but why can't we be boysss?
Just kidding Big Chill, I’m going with your son.
He calls me daddy now because I’m number one.

Scar: WHAT. THE. FUCK. These are the kind of bars that get a person to contract a venereal disease. Lines like these are why people believe there's a god. These are the lines that World War Three will be fought with.

Toph: I'm afraid it's all but over. There's nothing Big Chill can do to come back from this massacre... Wait, what am I seeing right now, Scar?

Scar: Big Chill appears to be taking off some kind of weighted training vest. He drops the training vest to the ground causing a sizable divot to appear on the floor. A huge amount of dust and pulverized cement fill the stadium. Big Chill approaches the mic:

You think you're shit don't stink, but I can assure you it does
Because I've been dealing with your shit since 2001.
You’re a Swedish Fish, and my hook’s about to kill
Respond to my LinkedIn request so we can Big Chill
I got a career, you don't got one to end
Respond to my Facebook pokes so we can be friends
Respond to my Emails so we can be colleagues
Respond to my DMs so we can be homies
Respond to my Candy Crush invitations so we be candy bros

Scar: My god, Toph. Let's just say that I would not be able to stand up right now to shake your hand.

Toph: And I wouldn't be able to shake yours because I don't respect you as a commentator.

Scar: Did Big Chill just execute Leff in cold blood? This feels like some kind of gratuitous public spectacle.

Scar: Wait. What's happening? Big Chill is walking towards Leffen with his hands in the air. Leffen appears to be confused. Big Chill is now suspended in the air by meat hooks attached to his clavicles. He looks like Neo from the god damn Matrix.

Toph: The meat hooks slowly begin swinging back and forth giving Big Chill the momentum he needs to finish this battle once and for all. Big Chill connects his foot to Leffen's face and Leffen falls to the floor, fully unconscious. The battle is over. I REPEAT: THE BATTLE IS OVER

Leffen struggles to get up and falls to the ground.

Toph: He's out! We have a new god!

Scar: We've never seen anything like this. That was amazing. Big Chill just karate kicked our God to death.

Big Chill picks up his phone and starts taking selfies

Toph: This is the happiest day of Chill's life, there's no doubt about it.

Scar: Big Chill is down here taking selfies with the crowd. They're cheering for him. Leffen has been nothing but humble in death. And you have to respect him for that.

Toph: This is like a battle rap Cinderella Story. If you aren't talking about it, then man you weren't listening. If you aren't on social media tweeting about this, Facebooking about this, starting a GoFundMe for Leffen's family, then you are an accomplice to his death.

Scar: Look, the battle is over, the crowd is going nuts. Big Chill appears to have jumped into the audience and is now crowd-surfing.

Big Chill is crowd-surfing but not moving anywhere. Nevertheless, he appears to be having a great time

Scar: Can you get off your phone for one fucking second Toph and just appreciate the moment?

Toph: Sorry about that, I just got a text message.

Toph reads the text message on his phone

Toph: It's ... from... Leffen...

END OF PART 1