Hard Digest August 17: Early Access Christian Rock, Bluey, and the Tesla Diner

Christian Rock Band Waiting Until Marriage to Write Songs About Sex

By Bobby Korec

ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local Christian rock band Trust Fall revealed that they are waiting until marriage to write any songs related to sexual intercourse, confirmed sources.

“Due to my religious beliefs, I abstain from composing songs about plowing until I say ‘I do’ or I get writer’s block and can’t think of any other lyrical topics,” said singer Lee Grommet. “Sure, I get laid all the time and have for years, but our songs will remain lyrically celibate until I find that special someone to blow my entire savings on a wedding with. After all, God once said, ‘Thou shalt not sing about boning until matrimony,’ and as a follower of Christ and someone who is driven by religious guilt, I will fully obey the gospel. Luckily there’s nothing in the Bible about pre-marital sex, so I think I’m good on that front. I don’t know for sure though. I’ve never read that thing.”

Fans of the band supported their decision to remain lyrically untainted.

“Finally a Christian rock band I can get behind,” said churchgoer Nancy Buxton. “It’s like every song on the radio is about sexual intercourse. ‘Tears in Heaven,’ ‘The Boys Are Back in Town,’ ‘Amish Paradise.’ Nothing but tracks about smashing. I wish more music would be sex-free, you know like Cardi B’s ‘WAP’ or LL Cool J’s ‘Doin’ It.’ Coitus is gross enough. I don’t need to hear about it through the magic of song too.”

Experts predicted that the band would run out of content to write about fairly quickly.

“Christian rock bands don’t exactly have an abundance of subject matter to pull from when coming up with material,” said music historian Grace Kurtz. “They do have God at their disposal, but that’s pretty much it. A good 65% of songs are about making love in some form or another. Another 15% is about drugs or partying. Then 10% is about politics and another 8% is about God. The remaining 2% just asks the question, ‘Who let the dogs out?’ A question we may never have an answer to.”

At press time, the band finally decided to write a song about sex but only using euphemisms and are set to release their new single “Bumpin’ Uglies” next month.

Opinion: Miss Rachel’s Outspokenness on Genocide Makes Bluey’s Silence All the More Deafening

By Reuben Blanchard

I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m a perfect person. We’ve all had times when we’ve failed to meet the moment. But if Miss Rachel can speak out about the genocide in Gaza, why would we tolerate anything less from the fictional, animated Blue Heeler puppy, Bluey.

Before anyone rushes to her defense, I know that Bluey is only seven years old. But guess what? In human years, that’s thirty-five. THIRTY-FIVE! Are you really gonna sit there and tell me that a thirty-five-year-old shouldn’t have to address the horrors going on in the world?

Miss Rachel is the picture of bravery. She continues to not back down and speak up for what is right and just. Meanwhile, all Bluey can say is “oh biscuits” and “for real life!” Well, she can bark “for real life” all she wants, but IN REAL LIFE, she is doing nothing to help those in need. And she should be fucking ashamed. Bad dog. BAD DOG!

Obviously, when it comes to the crisis in Gaza, Bluey is not the only one to blame. Really blame goes to the entire Heeler clan. Bandit, you’re a good dad, but there is blood on your hands. Bingo, bad girl. Chili, we honestly expected better. Shame on you all.

Sure, I know some of you may say, “Why are focusing so much on a Bluey? Is it because the horrors of watching genocide on a phone every day have burned away the nerve endings to your understanding of what the human experience is, thereby unconsciously affirming the idea that to be human is to experience constant pain? Are you satirizing opinion pieces that throw blame anywhere but the cause of the problem, because they know in the end opinions change nothing, and the only thing that will destroy this apocalyptic machine of death is violent uprising but that concept is too terrifying because we all just wanna eat pizza and watch The Traitors, so the best most of us can do is to feign outrage on our social media over the biggest humanitarian crisis of our lifetime? Are you writing this because in the end, comedy feels like the safest avenue to express the helplessness you feel as the world is entirely engulfed by fascism?” Wait, shit, yeah, that is why I’m writing this. Sorry, Bluey’s fine and Ms. Rachel rules.

Six Injured at Tesla Diner After Tuna Melt Sandwich Explodes

By Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Emergency crews were dispatched to the newly opened Tesla Diner after six patrons were left with life-threatening injuries as a result of one of the restaurant’s tuna melt sandwiches blowing up, witnesses have confirmed.

“It was actually a pretty smooth meal until I got to the third bite. That’s when the damn thing started smoking and then exploded searing tuna and cheese all over the place! Considering the bread can only be put out with a chemical extinguisher, I was able to walk away with only half my face burnt off. I’m a little disappointed considering it was a two month wait to get a table,” said victim Troy Williams. “Still, I have to trust Elon knows best and he’ll figure out why the tuna was sourced from an exploding fish hatchery. I’m hoping he sees my post on X and can cover my hospital stay, or at least reimburse my dinner.”

Tesla Diner’s general manager was adamant the accident was purely user error.

“While I sympathize with Mr. Williams and the family next to him who are in the ICU, upon our own internal investigation it was clear that the sandwich was being improperly consumed. He had activated ‘hands free mode’ by setting the tuna melt back onto the plate, on top of it being in direct sunlight causing it to overheat,” said Devin McCalister. “I have already compensated everyone within the blast radius with a free small coffee, and we have updated our T&S to remind patrons that saliva will compromise the structural integrity of the food.”

The L.A. health inspector noted that it was only a matter of time before tragedy struck.

“I have been here nine times to address multiple complaints, and every time I just get more excuses. Not only is their tuna inflammable, the grilled cheese gets stuck in people’s throats, the buns on the chicken sandwich don’t align, and the pecan pie has broken teeth in half in addition to being dry,” said Veronica Sutton. “Every time I try to cite this place I get doxxed and death threats from the staff. Mark my words, it’s only a matter of time before someone loses their tongue getting it stuck in a smash burger.”

As of press time, Tesla has pushed out an update to the sandwich’s safety features, but only if the diners have Neuralink installed.