Hard Digest July 29: Early Access Incels, South Jersey, Punk Houses, and More

New Government Initiative Invites Incels to Trade In Their Firearms for Bass Guitars

By Peter Woods

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced a new federally funded program asking the incel community to voluntarily trade in any guns they own for a new bass guitar, confirmed sources.

“No group poses more of a threat to other Americans than these angry white guy weiners,” said Deputy Director Anelie Rinne. “It’s almost cliché to say that this country has a male loneliness epidemic at this point, but it’s true. These boys get so mad at the fact that they are sad and friendless and instead of working on themselves they lash out. But for whatever reason, bass players seem totally fine with their self-inflicted, bottom rung social status. So if we can turn all of the incels into bassists, we’ll be much safer as a nation.”

Following the announcement, online incel communities reacted with unexpected levels of enthusiasm.

“Dude, I could totally get laid if I got like super good at bass,” said self-identified incel Mitch Osbourne. “Guys like Geddy Lee and Les Claypool are totally getting blow jobs 24/7 because of their music, you can just tell. I just have to figure out the best technique. Do you think playing with a pick or my fingers would rizz bitches up more? Actually, I bet it’s slap bass. That will probably get broads the horniest.”

Despite the overwhelming positivity from incels and governmental departments, some advocacy groups questioned the efficacy of the program.

“Giving incels basses doesn’t solve the root problems of misogyny and gender-based violence and only placates potentially violent men,” said Fay Nixon, a spokesperson for the National Organization for Women. “Plus no one wants to fuck bassists. You would get absolutely roasted by every one of your girlfriends, and rightfully so, if you lowered your standards all the way down to bassist dick. If the bureau cared anything at all about women, they would obviously be giving them saxophones. It’s clearly the horniest instrument.”

As of press time, the program already traded 60 guns for bass guitars, with participating incels having started at least one eight-member, all bass Buckcherry cover band.

What if the Most Punk Thing All Along Was Actually To Settle Down With a Husband and a Dog in a Comfortable but Modest Home in South Jersey?

By Malia Simon

As a lifelong punk coming up on my 29th birthday, I’m starting to have a lot of realizations about life: maybe my dad was right about the secret benefits of having a reliable income. Maybe a new toothbrush every year is worth the $ 7.99. Maybe my planters fasciitis would go away if I didn’t wear Doc Martens year round.

I know what you’re thinking. No, this isn’t me “settling down.” No, I’m not “naturally aging out of a phase in my twenties that was inevitably set to end once I got tired enough.” This is simply a change in my understanding of the word “punk,” a maturation of it, if you will. There are a lot of people who will tell you different things about what it means to be punk. Have any of us ever stopped to consider that perhaps the most punk thing was right under our noses all along? What if the most fuck-the-man, nonconformist thing one could possibly do was to find a pleasant man of 6’2, move to South Jersey, and buy a Vitamix for soup?

Listen, I’ve gone through the whole gamut. I know what it’s like to be you young bucks. I’ve bummed cigarettes from people at death metal basement shows. I’ve moshed at poetry readings in a junkie’s RV. I’ve boycotted Vitamin C. Don’t tell me I don’t know what punk is. If anyone knows punk, it’s me. I’ve simply come to the realization in my later years that none of that is as hardcore as waving to my neighbor Sam while he mows the lawn on a Sunday, getting 8 and a half good hours of sleep and owning an Australian Shepherd.

Dare I say nobody’s doing that. It’s like going “fuck the system” by acknowledging when the system makes my life better, which is pretty much all the time now. Did you guys know the system has some pretty neat farmers markets? I just got three radishes for 4.50. Not a lot of people know about this underground “exchanging money for goods and services” thing.

I know I still have it in me: if I wanted to mosh, I could. I am simply choosing the simple life, the free life, the life where my body has all its required vitamins. I’ll say it: I feel good. Healthy. Within the confines of the law. Is there anything more dangerous than that?

Punk House Doorbell Just Big Hole in Door You Scream Into

By Chris Bowen

ITHACA, N.Y. — Tenants of a local punk house solved their issue of not having a working doorbell by smashing a huge hole into the front door and asking guests to scream into it when they arrived, confirmed sources who couldn’t think of any other way around it.

“We all got sick and tired of our lazy-ass slumlord ignoring our requests for a working doorbell, so we did what any self-respecting punks would do and used a sledgehammer to smash a 10 by 8 hole into the front door,” punk house tenant Megan Marquez explained. “Now we know when our Grubhub driver is here to deliver food, or if they’re being brutally murdered. Not to mention the cross-breeze feels quite refreshing this time of year. The only downside is that we frequently mistake the screams coming from next door as guests ringing our new doorbell. Some people just do not have manners.”

Landlord Richard Stratford was less than pleased with the new addition.

“I showed up to do a routine inspection, and found bugs, bats, bees, plus a family of raccoons that made their way through the new ‘doorbell,’” Stratford said while patching up the hole with duct tape. “Not only that, but they have holes kicked in walls throughout the place, and they are calling them ‘doorbells’ too. They also took it upon themselves to make a bathroom doorbell, a crawl space doorbell, and an attic doorbell. I think I’m going to need to jack up their rent by a couple hundred bucks now.”

Skuz Wilson, dubbed the “Punk Rock Bob Vila,” made his career out of providing tips on DIY home projects.

“The old ‘smashing a hole in the door doorbell’ is a classic from my third video, ‘You Can Get Vomit Out of That, and Several Other DIY Work-Arounds,’” Wilson explained. “In that edition, I also provide a failsafe way to unclog your toilet using only a crowbar, as well as an easy way to put up that mailbox you’ve always wanted using only an axe. If you order now, I’ll even throw in a pack of smokes and a sixer of Steel Reserve! Just make sure to sign the mandatory waiver that comes with every DVD.”

At press time, the tenants of the punk house made their own in-ground pool using a tarp and mostly rainwater.

32-Year-Old Clair Obscur Fan Can’t Wait to Get Gommaged

BY Kyle Duggan

MILWAUKEE, Wis. — A millennial fan of the hit RPG Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 is eagerly anticipating the upcoming date when she will dissolve into ash and rose petals and utterly cease to exist, sources confirm.

“It’s only a few more months, now,” said Danielle Preston, 32, as she smiled at her calendar. “All these years of toil and strain will burn away and be forgotten. I’m exhausted from seeing things how they are, rather than how I want them to be. I know where my life is going. There’s no secret, happy ending to unlock. It’s all so bleak. If there’s an afterlife, then I’ll see everyone after death. But honestly, I hope there’s not. I’d probably just annoy everybody.”

Preston’s mother, Sandra, said she was concerned by her daughter’s new obsession, but not surprised.

“She’s always been like this,” said the elder Preston as she flipped through a photo album. “When she was very young, she was sure the Power Rangers were going to ask her to join them. Then she spent her adolescence waiting on her letter from Hogwarts. I try not to think about the years she was certain that a vampire and werewolf were going to fight for her affection, but at least that was still on the optimistic side. I can’t imagine why she’s so eager to die, now.”

Aiden Renaud, an expert on the media that millennials have consumed throughout their lives, said that Preston’s experience is shockingly common.

“This is a generation that cannot separate itself from its favorite fiction,” said Renaud, who said the FunkoPop figures adorning his office were purely for research purposes. “They believe they are Jedi. They think Professor Oak is going to give them a Pokemon. They swear that Steven Universe is their friend. Combine that with the dearth of economic opportunity this generation is facing, and it’s no surprise that a property like Clair Obscur would create a pseudo-death cult. In fact, I’d say it was an inevitability.”

At press time, Preston was spending what she believed were her final days on earth collecting rare swimwear.