thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 5: Early Access Sublime, Nepotism, Dad's, and More

Added 2025-05-06 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

Warmer Weather Briefly Turns Punk Into Sublime Guy

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Steve “Vomit” Parker reportedly began his annual metamorphosis into a Sublime guy after temperatures cracked the upper 50s this week, sources confirmed.

“I don’t practice Santeria, but I do have a crystal ball I bought at Spencer’s Gifts,” said Parker, rolling a joint with one hand and a half-finished Modelo at his feet. “It’s called Weather Underground, and the forecast says it’s gonna be 57 degrees today. Bup-bup! It’s boardshort time, baby! This winter’s been tough, brah. But there’s there’s just something about this time of year where the sun starts setting later and ‘What I Got’ gets stuck in my head for an entire month straight. Plus, the weed just hits better with ’40oz. to Freedom’ cranking in May.”

Milo Martinez, Parker’s roommate, describes the impact of his yearly transformation on their friends in the punk community.

“Oh, we fucking hate it! I try to book out-of-town shows for my band around this time every year,” said Martinez. “It’s impossible to be around him when he’s like this. He completely changes! He grows this little soul patch, trades in his combat boots for those Reef flip flops with the bottle opener in the sole, rocks Oakley Topcoats, and wears nothing but Quiksilver for a month. And he won’t shut the fuck up. Dude, I don’t care who the Long Beach Dub Allstars are!”

Lisa Dempsey, host of the Sublime podcast Casting for Badfish, says she regularly receives emails from listeners asking for advice on how to deal with their Sublime guy.

“My subscribers listen to Sublime year-round, but there’s a unique type of seasonal fan who only comes out once a year. And, frankly, they’re a lot to deal with,” said Dempsey. “As spring rolls around, the emails start pouring in. The questions are usually things like, ‘How do I get my Sublime guy to put on a shirt?’ or ‘My daughter’s getting married in a week. How do I get my dumbass husband to take off his stupid fucking puka shell necklace?’ Her words, not mine. My advice is usually to ride it out until the fall when they become seasonal AFI fans.”

At press time, Parker was at Minneapolis Animal Care and Control asking if they had any Dalmatians for adoption.

Here’s What Being a Dumbass Who Failed Upwards at His Father’s Company Taught Me About B2B Sales

By Ben Friedman

When you’re struggling to succeed in today’s fast-paced B2B sales landscape, it’s easy to second-guess whether you’re cut out for this line of work or not. But sometimes you need to look at lessons from your personal life to forge your own path to the top. I’ve been called a “dumbass” and a “screw up” on a few dozen occasions, but that never stopped me from achieving Senior VP status at my father’s company.

What is B2B? I’m 70% sure the “B” stands for “business”, and the number 2 in there is to make it look fun. It’s really fun to say in random conversations, like when I overheard two of my coworkers complaining about how I ruined a pitch to a potential client after remarking I finger banged his daughter at my old fraternity. If this has happened to you, just burst through the door, gripping your balls yelling “I’m the B2B king motherfuckers!” and then threaten to have them fired before lunch.

This mindset will work for most B2B products, because I’ve been promoted every six months despite having no idea what the hell we do here. I do know we send out a whole lot of marketing emails, though, at least that’s what I caught during orientation a few years back. I was still coming down from a weekend cocaine binge.

The key to growth is to have open and collaborative relationships with other entities, and the best way to do that is to max out your dad’s company credit card to take clients out to earn their trust. I’ve found getting blackout drunk at the country club and then hitting three consecutive strip clubs to be the most effective. And if the accounting department follows up, slap the receipts out of their hands and call them a nerd.

My econ professor once told me that I was “the poster child of willful ignorance and galling nepotism”, and due to my complete lack of understanding of how successful businesses operate, that I would easily bankrupt anything I touched. But last I checked, it was my dad’s name on the school gym, so I’ll probably be OK. I know from first-hand experience that it’s definitely not what you know, but who you know, if that person is immediate family, and if they pay you six figures a year to sit in an office and not talk to anyone or make any decisions.

Dad Calls Penis Something Weird Again

By Peter Woods

LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Local dad Sean Nolan is once again using a weird, unexpected, and previously nonexistent slang term for his penis in casual conversation, confirmed unsettled sources.

“He does this all the time so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal,” said Zack Nolan, the eldest son. “He’s always talking about ‘draining the snake’ or ‘punching someone’s twig and berries’ or whatever. If he says something like ‘pecker’ I don’t even blink. But none of that prepared me to hear the words ‘skin pole’ leave his mouth. I can’t even figure out if he made that up or heard it from someone else. And I don’t actually know which would be worse.”

Following the incident, the father of three was quick to defend himself.

“There’s nothing wrong with calling your Johnson something else,” said the 62-year-old Car and Driver subscriber. “You just have to do it appropriately. Like, if I’m with the misses I’m calling it my ‘wild hog,’ but I would never do that with the boys. That’s when I’m talking about my hanger. The doctor hears about my ‘groin pointer,’ my priest listens to me discuss my ‘sin sliver’ during confession, and Target employees help me find clothes to cover my ‘adult outie.’ It’s just more civil that way.”

Experts warned that excessive penis slang use can be a sign of other issues.

“A mention of a pud here or a tallywacker there is nothing to worry about,” said cognitive psychologist Tegan Sparks. “But too much can be a sign of dementia. You want to look out for signs of older adults forgetting what to call their penis altogether. For instance, have you noticed your father or grandfather struggling to remember the word for ‘schlong’ and instead using the name of the city he grew up in or a childhood friend instead? If so, seek help immediately.”

As of press time, the Nolan father developed seven new terms for his penis following the initial incident, but still refuses to look his wife in the eyes when he needs to use the word “vagina.”