thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 2: PBS Funding, Early Access British Rap, Avoidant Attachment, Marl Wahlberg, and More

Added 2025-05-03 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Trump Justifies PBS Funding Slash With Claims That Sesame Street Is Sponsored by the Letters M, S, and the Number 13

Washington — President Trump took to Truth Social to defend his recent executive order to cut federal funding for PBS with a diatribe against the channel’s flagship children’s program, Sesame Street, citing a recent episode’s connection to the notorious gang, MS-13.

“Sesame Street or MS-ame Street as I call it, this show is bigly tied into the nasty, horrible, terrorist gang known as MS-13. It’s been brought to you by the letters M, S, and the number 13, they admit that! They’re proud of it! You got radical Marxists like Elmo (notice he’s colored red) making gang signs with his hands while showing a Spanish child, probably not even in this country legally, by the way, how to count. Who needs to count? Drug dealers, that’s who. Then we got a giant bird, huge bird, teaching a group of DEI kids about pronouns! PBS has been brainwashing our children for years, some say many years, with radical left shows. There was that famous communist Mr. Rogers, he wanted everyone to share, remember that? Then there’s Clifford the Big Red Dog, have you ever seen a red dog in your life? Maybe in China they have them, I don’t know.”

As of press time, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. was scheduled to give a press briefing on the link between Cookie Monster and the childhood obesity epidemic.

Guy Tasked With Censoring British Rap Song in Way Over His Fucking Head

By Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Federal Communications Commission (FCC) employee Joshua Boyd found himself in way over his fucking head after being tasked with censoring a single by popular British rapper Dodgy Chaz, sources report.

“I’ve gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here,” Boyd said helplessly as he combed through the lyrics to the song “Hasslin’ Grassers.” “Not only do I have to find the swear words, but I also have to discern their severity to see if they need to be blocked out. I mean, ‘plonker’? ‘Chav’? Are these bad, and if so, how bad? We can say ‘hell’ and ‘damn’ here, but we can’t say ‘shit’ or ‘fuck,’ so how do these British words compare to those? My boss needs me to have this done by tomorrow, so I’m at a total loss as to what I’m going to do.”

Chaz wasn’t sure what the challenge was in deciphering his lyrics.

“Oy, so that bloke’s not bloody well chuffed at me tunes, right?” Chaz apparently questioned. “Is he taking the piss, or just an eejit? I’m known to be a bit of a lairy gobby, but the lad’s havin’ a strop. He must be a proper saddo, or a total prat. Under the cosh from his gaffer, is he? Well, I can’t muck in. I was on the lash with me blud last night, and I’m dead knackered. Gonna go for a slash then run to uncle ned for a smidge.”

Fan Tory Rodriguez commiserated with Boyd.

“I’ve been a huge fan of British rap for a while, but I never have any clue what they’re saying,” Rodriguez admitted. “I started listening to stuff like Roots Manuva and Kano in high school, and now I’m really into Cult of the Damned and Lee Scott. I listen to stuff like that all the time, and it always goes over my head. They could be rapping about what they had for breakfast, or they could be saying problematic stuff and I wouldn’t be able to tell. I know this isn’t the most socially conscious move, but I just ignorantly enjoy the music and hope that they’re not railing against women or immigrants. I guess I understand what leftist fans of black metal go through, now that I think of it.”

At press time, Boyd just decided to censor every third word of the song and hope for the best.

Avoidant Attachment? This Woman Can’t End a Relationship So She Robs Them Instead

By Rachel Hein

Arelationship has been confirmed as “officially over” when a woman robbed her former lover at gunpoint. This is a repeat offender who has pillaged the home of every man she’s dated upon being questioned about “defining the relationship.” She is a risk to her community and specifically to any man who thinks he can be the one to tie her down, as she may steal his heart but she will also steal all his belongings.

“I don’t know, man, I thought things were good. She’s hot. We liked all the same things, like food and TV, and stuff. She listens to my music and doesn’t make me listen to hers. I was like damn I need to make this girl wifey.” Jay Keeting told reporters. “So I asked, ‘What are we?’ She muttered something about all the stuff I owned, and did I really need to own her too? Next thing I know, there’s a gun in my face and she’s telling me to get on the ground. She took so much shit, man! My Theragun, my Samsung frame, my turntable.”

Philippa Peete was quick to confirm the incident. “No, it’s so bad I know. But listen, this doesn’t happen when I date women, only men. As soon as they get all weird and commitment-y, I panic, and the adrenaline gives me the urge to rob them.” When asked if anything else had provoked this, she added, “I mean, no. I guess it’s just easier to rob them. And the more time I spend with a man, the less I like him, and the more I like his stuff. It’s science or something, I swear.”

Upon further investigation, Philippa’s ex-boyfriend, Carl Ludwig, evidently took precautions against her burglary habit, “She’s fucking crazy, dude. And like, all my exes are crazy, but she’s extra crazy. We broke up and got back together so many times, I had to start padlocking my cabinets and drawers. But then she got a bolt cutter and that was the end!” He did, however, assure us that she does not carry a gun. “It’s not a gun. It’s a power drill that kind of looks like a gun, so she can unmount stuff on your walls.”

At press time, Philippa is dating a woman and enjoying what she refers to as the “fruits of her labor” in trying to date men.

Mark Wahlberg Claims Elon Musk’s Botched Penis Implant Wouldn’t Have Gone Down Like That If He Was Attending Surgeon

By Matt Husser

BOSTON — Mark Wahlberg sparked controversy after claiming that Elon Musk’s botched penis implant “wouldn’t have gone down like that” if he was the attending surgeon, sources confirmed.

“It’s a total tragedy how those surgeons fucked up Elon’s cock, I mean look at that worthless piece of shit—it looks like a scared little toad peeking out of a mudhole. Well it wouldn’t have gone down like that if I was performing the surgery, I can promise you that much,” said Wahlberg. “I would have taken control in that operating room and implanted a rod so big it’d make the Hancock Tower look like a Slim Jim, instead of that gross red dog dick thing he’s got going on now. Then Elon would be like ‘thanks so much for this massive hog, Mark’ and I’d be like ‘hey no problem guy, enjoy impregnating all those weird ladies with your huge cyberpenis.'”

Musk’s plastic surgeon responded to Wahlberg’s claims, alleging that the scope of the male enhancements the SpaceX founder asked for was “not medically possible.”

“I tried my best to make the augments that Mr. Musk requested, but what he was asking for was simply not realistic based on the state of his original member—you try surgically transforming wet hamburger in a baby sock into the Washington Monument,” said Dr. Kaminski. “Then he insisted on being awake during the procedure so he could micromanage the implant process, and when I told him that if we attached any more of the ‘cyber-enhancements’ he brought with him the penile structure would collapse on itself like a pubic blackhole. Then when it fell apart like all of his other ideas, he went on X and called me a pedophile.”

Following the botched surgery, Musk reportedly turned to fertility expert Dr. John Marley in his quest to impregnate a small army of female employees.

“At first I was honored that Mr. Musk chose me to support his quest to staff the federal government entirely with his offspring, but I didn’t realize how challenging the process would be—it was kind of like milking an earthworm but with much, much more sobbing,” said Dr. Marley. “And then he started bringing in a phrenology chart and calipers and demanded I discard any sperm absent of his ‘desired caucasoid features.’ I finally told him to find a different fertility doctor after he asked if it was possible to load a blowgun dart with his sperm to impregnate women from afar.”

At press time, Wahlberg claimed that JD Vance killing the Pope wouldn’t have gone down like that if he was at the Vatican.

Trump Announces Tariffs Against Wherever Pikmin Are From

BY Max Barth

WASHINGTON — In an Oval Office address, President Trump has announced sweeping new tariffs against the Pikmin homeworld.

“For decades these so-called Pikmin have taken advantage of our great American workers,” said Trump. “Aided by the communist Democrat party and at least one pink-haired girl astronaut, they have illegally and viciously dumped foreign fruit into our beautiful free markets. They’ve also been seen smuggling suspicious electronic devices into our beautiful country, all while solving little environmental puzzles and evading very cute monsters. Not anymore. The chaos ends today.”

According to one prominent expert, Trump’s proposed tariffs could have an immediate impact on supply chains worldwide.

“The President doesn’t seem to realize how much American companies depend on Pikmin labor,” said Captain Olimar, the Hocotatian spacefarer who made first contact with the creatures when he crash landed on their planet. “Pikmin are ideal workers – they don’t take breaks, they don’t need to eat. Hell, the yellow ones fucking love to get electrocuted at work. Try finding that in Cleveland.”

SpaceX CEO and Trump ally Elon Musk applauded the policy change, citing interest in someday colonizing the economically weakened Pikmin civilization.

“The [Pikmin] planet seems perfectly able to provide the single daily bottle of fruit juice that humans like me need to survive,” said Musk. “Plus, there is no woke nonsense about labor unions or child support or not boofing ketamine. It’s great. It’s like some genius just walked around his garden and daydreamed the whole thing into existence.”

At press time, one whistleblower from within the Trump administration had accidentally summoned dozens of Pikmin to his side.