Hard Digest May 1: Early Access Drummers, Movie Villains, Music Videos, and More

Hardcore Drummer Kindly Asks Singer to Put Shirt Back on Since Being Shirtless Was Sort of His Thing First

By Char Byram

BALTIMORE — Corey Cruz, drummer of hardcore band Maximum Output, reportedly told lead singer Devin Altman to please put his shirt back on during a show, as being shirtless was kind of specifically his department to begin with.

“I’ve always been the shirtless one,” said Cruz, as Altman was seen sulkily pulling his own tee back over his head. “It’s kind of my whole deal. I get sweaty back here pummeling away at the drums, so I need to let my skin breathe, you know? I was born to be shirtless, and it’s become part of who I am as a drummer and performer. It’s important that I have this bit to express my individuality in the band. I just gotta be myself, and also not let Devin do it. Next he’s going to have a giant box fan blowing on him the entire time and it will totally steal my thunder.”

Altman attempted to explain what prompted this sudden behavior of wanting to strip down while singing.

“I get hot up there in the front under all the bright lights. Corey just sits there on his comfortable little drum chair while I’m getting my steps in and putting on the show of a lifetime,” Altman said, pouting. “How come I can’t pop off my clothes every once in a while, too? Just because Corey has a leaner, more toned physique and isn’t highly visible to the crowd doesn’t mean I don’t also want to show some skin every now and then. This is like, discriminatory, man.”

Audience member Terry Balzac thinks the band members should find a compromise.

“They can both be shirtless. Hell, I think I should be shirtless as well. I’d want the freedom to pull off this sweaty garment and be unburdened by norms and expectations,” Balzac rambled, unprompted. “In fact, I think it’s ridiculous that society doesn’t allow us all to throw off these shackles we call clothes and be completely free, allowing ourselves to bare all. I’m gonna do it! I’m taking my fucking shirt off!”

At press time, Altman was seen putting on a leather vest in place of a shirt and leaving it open while Cruz shook his head doubtfully.

Opinion: Society Really Started Going Downhill Once They Stopped Making Rich People Villains in Kids Movies

By Zachary Wolf

There’s no denying that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and everyone has their opinion on why that is. Well, I’m here to tell you the real reason: they stopped making rich people the bad guys in kids’ movies.

Remember in movies like Newsies when the kids were trying to unionize and to get their fair share of the child labor economy? That movie would never get made today, as A) unionizing would never be shown in a positive light, and B) rich capitalist media moguls would never greenlight a movie about rich capitalist media moguls screwing over everyone.

Then there was the Little Rascals. Adorable scamp Alfalfa was trying to woo Darla, whose attention turned to Waldo, a preppy new rich kid who came from big oil money. Granted, Alfalfa’s membership in the He-Man Woman Haters Club probably didn’t help things.

But even so, if that movie were made today, it would be about “poor” kids whose parents only made $100,000 per year, and the bad guy would be a vulnerable immigrant kid or something.

Nowadays rich people are never the bad guys in kids movies. Because in movies, as in real life, the only metric of success people comprehend is wealth. So by default, if you’re not wealthy, you’re a failure in life and unworthy of love and happiness.

As a matter of fact, you don’t see poor — or even middle-class people — in movies anymore. Unless it’s weird poverty porn like Shameless or Hillbilly Elegy. While those aren’t kids’ movies, or even movies at all, you still get the idea.

Some people would point to Richie Rich as being an example of rich people being the good guys in a kids’ movie. On the surface, they’d be right. However, a closer look reveals that Richie Rich wanted to share his privilege with his working class friends, including that girl whose mom looked like Rosie O’Donnell.

Plus his parents’ vault contained treasured keepsakes from Richie’s childhood and not jewels, diamonds, and other spoils of rampant capitalist domination. This facet of the movie is highly unrealistic, as it proved that Mr. and Mrs. Rich actually had a heart, unlike real rich people.

So if we’re going to get the world back on track, the only way to do it is to start teaching kids that rich people are inherently evil and should be ridiculed and humiliated at every opportunity.

Report: Band Too Ugly To Be in Own Music Video

By Neel Bhakta

DENVER — A recent report from social psychologists at the University of Denver revealed that members of the local ska band Bug Wife are regrettably too ugly to appear in their own music videos.

“We’ve got a combined academic career spanning over 60 years, specifically researching interpersonal attraction in niche local music scenes and I feel like we’ve finally made a massive breakthrough,” said tenured professor Victoria Skaggs. “I mean, these guys are talented and confident, which is usually enough for listeners to get over the whole acne ridden pug-like faces thing, but nope! Not the case here. Sure, it’s probably heartbreaking for the band and all but I think from an ethics standpoint, the general public should be spared from looking at these freaks. It’s just the most humane thing to do.”

Meanwhile, members of Bug Wife are struggling to come to terms with their negative public image.

“This sucks. As a band, all we wanted to do was rent out a sick ‘66 Thunderbird, engage in quirky yet relatable scenarios across town, and end up laying down on the beach at dusk. But, I guess we’re too hideous for that,” said rhythm guitarist and notable uggo Robert Thines through the brown paper bag over his head. “Sure, we’re not the second coming of Beatlemania or whatever, but we don’t care about that. Our audience doesn’t judge our music based off our album covers, which just, by pure coincidence, don’t feature any of our faces.”

Alonso Jiménez, the music video director who was slated to direct Bug Wife’s latest video, also came out against the band.

“Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. These monsters are grotesque. There’s no amount of lighting, makeup, costuming, editing, manipulation, or gaslighting that we can do to make these rubber halloween masks come-to-life look fuckable,” said an exhausted Jiménez rocking back and forth. “We need to hire actors, or honestly, anyone besides these guys. One of them even suggested a lyric video with handwritten words on the screen, which I thought could work. But no, somehow I could still feel their nauseatingly deformed faces behind the words.”

At press time, Bug Wife’s manager posted a casting call for “solid 5s or 6s” to stand in for the band when performing live on their upcoming tour.

Dad Puts Life Advice Behind Paywall

BY Tim Graham

EVERETT, Mass. — Father of three Paul Danvers announced he has ceased dispensing guidance unless his adult children pay up, according to intrigued neighborhood dads.

“When my kids were young, I freely doled out my advice,” said Danvers. “But now that my youngest has turned 18, things are changing. I’ve got five decades of accumulated wisdom, and if they want to continue to tap into it, they’re going to subscribe to one of the plans I’m offering. The Economy program is only $10 per month, and entitles subscribers to access my knowledge concerning basic topics like car repair and sports, while the Gold level gives access to the full breadth of my wisdom. This includes advanced home repair, investing tips and even bonus ‘atta boys’ and ‘atta girls’.”

Danvers’ youngest child Lucy was disappointed when her father’s advice was abruptly cut off.

“Dad always gave us great advice when we were growing up, but I guess at some point he realized he shouldn’t be giving this stuff away for free,” said Ms. Danvers. “I decided I’m willing to pay for the Intermediate tier just so I can continue to go to him for his input on important issues. Like last week, I was put in charge of the grill at our sorority cookout and his tips saved the day. However, when I recently asked for his opinion on my new boyfriend, dad told me that sort of content is only available to Gold tier members.”

Ethan Swain, host of a motivational ‘grindset’ podcast, applauds Danvers’ ingenuity.

“It’s the 21st century, dog,” said Swain from somewhere within a thick vape cloud. “It’s not enough just to have a side hustle. Your side hustle needs a side hustle. So if this dude figured out a way to commodify something that most people give away for free, more power to him. I say don’t stop there. He should put together a pitch deck, get some angel investors and launch an app to make it easy for other dads to monetize their advice. You never leave money on the table.”

At press time, Danvers had informed his children of price increases across all tiers and the inclusion of ads with the Basic membership.