Hard Digest April 29: Early Access Ira Glass, Tesla, Rowing, and More

Ira Glass Lookalike Contest Held at Yo La Tengo Concert

By Violet Cowdin

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — An Ira Glass lookalike contest was held at a Yo La Tengo concert this week, confirmed sources who weren’t sure whether it was better to win or lose.

“Yo La Tengo fans have long been known to be mistaken for executive producers of NPR programming,” said Jayson Soderstrom, one of the contest organizers, on his way to help differentiate between a stack of IDs. “It doesn’t stop there, either. A lot of these people don’t just share physical similarities, but lifestyle choices as well. How many Planned Parenthood totes do you see? And whose girlfriend has the heaviest curtain bangs? In fact, whose girlfriend is whose? These competitions are happening at every show on tour, my team just had the vision to organize it.”

Concertgoer Brendan Rice was unaware of the contest but still felt like he might have a shot.

“I’ve been told I look like Ira Glass since I hit puberty,” Rice explained while changing his glasses for a backup pair he always keeps on him. “I’ve also always had a thing for smart blazers. I don’t take myself too seriously though, I like to rock a vintage tee underneath so I can put the people at ease. You know, now that I think of it, I’m like Ira in a lot of ways. I too have a non-fiction podcast where the episodes are separated into three acts, so I am more than qualified to win this thing.”

Unbeknownst to many, Glass himself stood among the crowd hoping for good fortunes.

“This is my third time trying to win this contest. Best I got was seventh place,” said Glass. “But I don’t have a chance at winning this thing this time around. After all, we’re in Brooklyn. Everyone looks like they host ‘This American Life.’ Even if I told someone who I was, nobody would believe me, let alone get excited. I’ll let them do their thing. And what will I do? I’ll probably start planning a think-piece on self reflection in rock and roll. Tune in!”

At press time, Ira Kaplan of Yo La Tengo was crowned Ira Glass’ lookalike as NPR pins rained down on the audience.

Help! I Keep Trying To Set Tesla Dealerships on Fire but the Cars Keep Exploding on Their Own

By Stephen Bell

Like any aspiring anarchist, I want to do what I can to burn this entire rotten system to the ground and bring in a new age of self-governance without the interference of an oppressive capitalist state. Naturally, the best way to bring this reality about is by burning down my local Tesla dealership. One big problem though is that the damn cars keep exploding on their own before I have a single opportunity to get the whole thing going.

It’s been 11 times now that I’ve staked out a target, grabbed my Molotovs, and make my way over to the Tesla dealership. But wouldn’t you know it, every single time I try to go to one of these places, I’m greeted by the smouldering remains of what used to be a Tesla Dealership, which itself was located in what used to be a black community before being demolished to make a Tesla dealership. I had to keep checking in on my fellow anarchist groups to see if someone else got to it first. This is, of course, somewhat difficult to do because we only use carrier pigeons and old secret hobo code signs to communicate. But they all told me the same thing, it was like that when we got there.

Seriously, all of these Tesla explosions have me wondering if I should’ve just gone and become an engineer like my dad wanted. That way, I could’ve worked my way into all sorts of corporate settings in which I could then design inferior products that cause major damage to large corporations. Maybe the real lesson here is that I need to learn to play the long game, and one dealership fire only lasts a night.

All I know is that if Elon’s approach to government is anything like his approach to building cars then the system will collapse on its own. I’ll make sure to roast some CyberMarshmallows while that happens. Those are just regular marshmallows but cooked over the flames of a cyber truck. Given Elon’s love of stupid ideas and reframing failures as total wins, don’t be surprised if that’s what they release next.

Guy Who Works Out to Prep for Apocalypse Really Hoping for Rowing-Centric New Order

By Alec Walker

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Local gym rat and self-proclaimed doomsday prepper Brock Crocker is really hoping that the next new world order will be rowing-centric, multiple sources confirmed.

“They laugh at me now, but when the world collapses, I’ll be ready, so long as it requires perfect catch, drive, finish, and recovery form,” said Crocker while doing a rowing motion in the air. “By my calculations, the global elite will force us into a worldwide flood by 2028. I don’t want to pay 50 bucks a month for a gym membership for that long though, so I bought a hummer and leave it running in my driveway to see if I can get that down to 2027. In the future, you’ll all be thankful that I can simulate rowing down a calm river for 45 consecutive minutes.”

Crocker’s personal trainer Lachlan Meyer weighed in on his apocalyptic predictions.

“I was totally on board with him using his worries about the world as an excuse to get in shape, but he lost me when he insisted I replace the rowing machine handles with guns so he could ‘get used to the grip,’” said Meyer, hanging two fully loaded glocks back up on the handle rack. “I just hope he comes to his senses and starts using the rowing machine simply as a form of masochism like the rest of us. He’s easily the second weirdest person I’ve ever trained, right behind RFK Jr., who leaned heavily on the elliptical machine because he was hoping for a cardio-based new order.”

Crocker’s favorite conspiracy theorist Lee Roberts from popular podcast “RowPODcalypse” got wind of the questionable gym routine.

“Rowing is going to have a lot of valid uses when civilization as we know it crumbles,” said Roberts. “Once the only valid form of currency in our post-apocalyptic world is strokes per minute, and the true measure of power and status becomes 1000m split time, you’ll all wish you had listened. Brock is a dutiful boy and I’m thankful that he’s spreading the message. At least he’s not using a treadmill. In the future, there just won’t be enough running room from all of our underground bunkers.”

At press time, Crocker’s wife was seen doing her own apocalypse prep by finally calling the number of that divorce lawyer she found.

Kennedy Announces Ban on Most Mountain Dew Flavors

BY Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — US Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., announced a ban on all Mountain Dew flavors, except for Baja Blast earlier this week, as part of his ongoing war on sugar. His latest ban came during a heated news conference where Kennedy disparaged the soft drink’s variety of flavors.

“You want to put something called ‘Code Red’ in your body, yet, I’m the crazy one,” Kennedy said to members of the press as they gulped down what remained of their newly banned favorite flavors. “It’s disgusting. It’s making kids fat, ugly, and stupid. If you want to drink Mountain Dew, it has to be Baja Blast. It’s the natural color of the ocean and I should know, cause I’m often swimming through it hunting for seals.”

Kennedy’s ban effectively removes all versions of original Moutain Dew, Code Red, Livewire, Voltage, and Diet Dew from store shelves and soda fountains around the nation. Recipes for discontinued flavors such as Pitch Black and Voo-Doo are to be destroyed and any flavor scientists with memory of those recipes are to be shot in the head, twice. Bottled Baja Blasts are also unauthorized with the ban, though Kennedy noted an intentional loophole.

“Consumption of Baja Blast must be done from a Taco Bell fountain,” Kennedy said before crunching into a Dorito Locos Taco and washing it down with an ice-cold Baja Blast. “I’ve been drinking raw Baja Blast since 2004. There’s no better combo than horse meat and a Baja Blast straight from the source.”

Scientists well versed in Mountain Dew and its effectiveness in culling dense populations of gamers are now worried the ban may lead  to overpopulation.

“Putting it mildly, this is the most humane way for us to control gamer populations,” said Randi Heaton, a scientist who’s worked with the FDA numerous times to cull the invasive species. “No Gamer Fuel means no diabetes, which means longer life spans for your average gamer. Without any population control, message boards and Twitter won’t be able to handle the influx of new gamers. We’re heading for the end as far as I’m concerned.”

At press time, remaining Mountain Dew supplies had plunged after gamers flooded stores to stock up on their favorite flavors, driving the cost of a 2-liter bottle to almost as much as a half-dozen eggs.

Pickup Artist Releases New Course on How to “Persuasion Wheel” Women

BY Amity Gilmour

IMPERIAL CITY, Cyrodil — A popular pickup artist has released “Wheel Women Into Your Bed,” a course on seducing women with the Persuasion Wheel.

“Delighted to finally share this with you all,” posted Jeremy “Battlehorny Castellan” Bradus. “Women are more confusing than ever before, and rather than attempt the bare minimum like showering or making yourself interesting, men can instead find their next sexual conquest by mastering this clunky-ass minigame from 2005.”

For the price of $879.99, prospective incels can learn incredible techniques from a nine-lesson course. Some of the lessons include “Rotate to Procreate”, “Imperial Breeches to Get Bitches”, and “One Second Charm”. Reviews thus far have been mixed.

“Honestly, I’m still struggling,” admitted Rob Stedrine. “I don’t really know how to tell a joke, and the only thing worth boasting about is my service in Gamergate. If I couldn’t try coercing women, I don’t know how I’d interact with them at all. At least I can just pile them with money.”

As news of the course has spread, support for it has come from an unlikely source.

“Finally,” Todd Howard exclaimed as he brandished a copy of Skyrim. “I invented the Persuasion Wheel to teach people the art of human interaction. My life’s work has been to bestow my incredible knowledge upon humanity, in the form of digital products and expensive DLC. May you lowly scum continue to bask in the brilliance of my mind.”

At press time, several people who took the course complained their infamy was too high to even attempt a conversation with a woman.