Hard Digest April 28: Tool, Led Zeppelin, Starbucks, and More

Tool Announce “Lateralus Gold” Experience Where Fans Can Pay $10,000 to Massage All Four Band Members for a Day

By Tyler Roland

LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the band for a day, penniless sources confirmed.

“Yeah, we just wanted to give something back to our fans by allowing them to work the kinks out of our shoulders and massage our soft tissue areas,” said singer Maynard James Keenan as he finished tracking vocals on a demo for his primary project, Puscifer. “That’s right. Whoever buys this will definitely ascend, open their third eye, and become pneuma. Don’t worry, we’ll provide the massage table and oils. And hey, if you can’t afford this package, we also offer the ‘Lateralus Silver’ experience where fans can crack our backs after a set.”

Longtime fan B.J. Sampson could not be more excited, despite the fact that the experience does not include airfare, lodging, transportation, or anything else.

“Fuck yeah!” Sampson exclaimed as he used an electric toothbrush to dust off one of his several Tool posters. “I know they had it priced at $10,000, just like their supremely underrated album ‘10,000 Days.’ That was a lot for me, but totally worth it to drain the two college funds I had started for Jimmy and Hofmann, and sell my 2001 Pontiac Sunfire. Not to mention, a couple of family heirlooms. I can’t wait to get my hands all over their drummer to see if he really has eight limbs, like the octopus he is on the skins!”

Gene Simmons, Kiss bassist and perhaps music’s greatest con man, expressed his support for Tool and their offering of the “Lateralus Gold” package.

“Tool are a spectacular band, but an even more spectacular brand,” Simmons declared. “I see they’re rising to Kiss Kasket levels of profit. That ‘Tool In the Sand’ gimmick they just did was a nice start, but this is a different echelon. I wonder what they’ll do next. A Black & Decker Toolbox collaboration? A cruise? A ‘fetus in skull’ maquette? Oh wait, they already did that one.”

At press time, Tool guitarist Adam Jones was instructing Sampson to work his back in a rhythm corresponding to the Fibonacci sequence.

Quiz: Are These Led Zeppelin Lyrics About Lord of the Rings or Fucking?

By Tim Sheard

We’re big classic rock fans here at the Hard Times, so it naturally follows that we love genre stalwarts Led Zeppelin. From the trailblazing drumwork of John Bonham to the often insufferable crooning of Robert Plant, we can’t get enough of the band our dads think is the epitome of all music made in the last century. As such, we thought we’d have a little fun with this article and present you with a quiz concerning the only two subjects Led Zeppelin’s music ever covered.

You may be a fan yourself, but do you know them enough to excel in our little quiz? Give it a shot, and see if you can discern whether the following lyrics are about Lord of the Rings or fucking!

Question: “Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby, move me while you do me now” – from “Black Dog” (Led Zeppelin IV, 1971)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

If you guessed “fucking”, you were way off! This excerpt from the hottest song on every Boomer’s Facebook feed was unquestionably written as a clear personification of the Ring and its allure to the Hobbits as they flee the Nazgûl by cutting through the Old Forest at the beginning of “The Fellowship of the Ring.” It’s actually kind of upsetting that you would infer a sexual connotation from Frodo and his pals narrowly avoiding death as they escape invisible wraiths. Maybe you should talk to someone about that?

Question: Way, way down inside, I’m gonna give you my love, I’m gonna give you every inch of my love” – from “Whole Lotta Love” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

You said “fucking” again, didn’t you? What the hell is wrong with you? It’s well-known that this lyric explores the deep fraternal love that Sam feels for Frodo as he rescues him from the tower of Cirith Ungol after having believed him dead from Shelob’s attack. This is a love that each of the two feels with every inch of his being. Sam thought his best friend was dead, for Christ’s sake. Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one measly second of your miserable, Onanism-centric existence to appreciate that? Ugh, on to the next one.

Question: “The way you squeeze my lemon, I’m gonna fall right outta bed” – from “The Lemon Song” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

It’s Lord of the Rings. It’s so clearly Lord of the Rings. “Fall right outta bed” refers to Gandalf falling into an abyss in the Mines of Moria after the gang is attacked by a Balrog. Luckily, Gandalf ultimately survives, and thank God for that, but the Hobbits didn’t know that at the time. Honestly, we’re starting to think you might be a hardcore deviant or something. Remember in the first question, when we suggested you talk to someone? It’s no longer a suggestion. We’re telling you that you need to stop taking this quiz and immediately see a psychotherapist.

Question: “Put on your night shirt and your morning gown, you know by night I’m gonna shake ‘em all down” – from “Custard Pie” (Physical Graffiti, 1975)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

Why are you even still here? You need to be getting help.

Question: “‘Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, but Gollum and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her” – from “Ramble On” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Fucking

This is an obvious allusion to a common sexual position, and you must be some kind of puritan if you don’t recognize it. We won’t go into the details, and really, if you’re an adult, you should already be aware of them. Suffice it to say we were surprised when we saw such a bawdy lyric come from the usually Middle Earth-minded rockers, but it served as a good reminder that they’re not as much of a one-trick pony as the questions before this might’ve intimated.

Well, there you have it. How did you do? Sound off in the comments and let us know, and be sure to stick around for our upcoming lyrics quiz about Aerosmith’s 1989 hit “Love in an Elevator!”

Starbucks Sets Cafe Ambience With Worst Cover of “Dreams” You’ve Ever Heard

By Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local woman Wendy Sachs felt “incredibly lucky” to hear the worst cover of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” ever written by a human in her neighborhood Starbucks, confirmed sources who went to Dunkin’ Donuts instead.

“I was enjoying the weird aftertaste of my venti iced coffee when the cafe music changed from the ‘Wicked’ soundtrack to a cover of ‘Dreams’ so bad that I momentarily forgot my mother’s face,” said Sachs. “Imagine if Starbucks gathered a small group of white rappers and 2010s indie folk musicians to hold down Lindsay Buckingham while he poured molten copper down Stevie Nicks’s throat. Actually, that’s too generous. Thirty seconds listening to this cover shattered one of my vertebrae. Two minutes in and I had a vision of the future where my son asked me why we don’t see the stars at night anymore. I don’t actually think the song ever ended; I’m just in hell.”

Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol said the updated cafe playlist is part of the company’s new initiative to discourage loitering customers.

“We’ve worked with an array of talented artists to create covers of classic rock songs bad enough to disrupt the human soul. That’s right; God and souls are real and they can be harmed,” said Niccol at an investor conference. “As a company it’s important to look at the sustainability of our business practices and ask tough questions. Questions like who are our customers? Can we audially disintegrate them? Starbucks is a company committed to busting unions, but I believe there’s an opportunity to mentally and even physically harm our clientele as well. We’ve got a long road ahead, but I firmly believe that the road forward for this company is paved with the blood of anyone who stays longer than five minutes.”

Indie folk artist Sven Svenson explained that it takes a lot of work to do an injustice to a beloved song.

“My process always starts by listening to the song multiple times, usually while slowly shaving off all my body hair,” said Svenson. “Then I take the vocals off a Bon Iver track and add every effect in pro-tools at maximum setting. Once that’s set I just mumble the vocal melody of the song I’m covering over the backing track and call it a day. The best part is that this is the only way to make a living as a musician now.”

At press time, Niccol announced that anyone who doesn’t have the Starbucks app is “next.”

Video Essay Condescendingly Reads Wikipedia at You

BY Garry Kerls

SAN FRANCISCO — After struggling to find their footing in the content creator landscape, a local YouTuber has seemed to have found their groove by condescendingly reading Wikipedia at the viewer, our sources confirm. 

“After years of trying reaction content and unboxing videos, I finally found what my audience really wants from my channel – a patronizing summary of free information,” said Dylan Whitehead, known as ‘ThePrequelPreacher’ on YouTube. “The hardest part is getting ChatGPT to rewrite the Wikipedia articles from the POV of a privileged white guy with a superiority complex.”

The Gen Z content creator has gone mildly viral with his last two videos – “This is actually why Revenge of the Sith is the best Star Wars” and “You probably don’t understand the depth of Donnie Darko.”

“I usually hate when guys mansplain the intricacies of the Galactic Trade Federation, but for some reason, The Prequel Preacher’s combination of snobby tone and encyclopedic knowledge really works for me,” said one subscriber who argues with every comment that disagrees with the content of the video. “It reminds me of being lectured by a self-righteous librarian.”

This recent online validation has caused Whitehead’s persona to lean into arrogant know-it-all, when in reality, the 23 year old high school graduate hasn’t read a book in almost a decade. 

“I gotta shout out my personal heroes, Joe Rogan and Andrew Tate. Those guys are trailblazers for narcissistic men on the internet who talk about things that they have no knowledge of for validation and attention,” said the self-proclaimed best video essayist on YouTube. “You can do it too! All you need is an obnoxious thumbnail, a rambling title, and the ego of an all knowing god on earth.”

At press time, fellow YouTube video essay creator, HBomberguy, has amassed a 10-hour takedown of the Prequel Preacher’s plagiarism.