Hard Digest April 27: Early Access Ashes, Lo-fi Music, and Cybertrucks

Dead Punk’s Scattered Ashes Poison Entire Ecosystem

By Doug Kolic

OKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison the entire local ecosystem for generations, according to nearby sources gasping for breath.

“We knew that these types of individuals were infamously noxious, but we didn’t expect just how much of a negative impact their deceased bodies would have on everything around them,” stated a very concerned Dr. Jacoby Kinsley. “Normally when a person croaks and gets incinerated, their ashes pose no external threat, but what we witnessed with this one particular scumbag was a fallout worse than what happened after Chernobyl’s number four reactor exploded. And those people had a better chance of survival.”

Local resident Carly Leung described the impact that the poisoned ashes had on her family.

“One day we woke up and it looked like the apocalypse,” said Leung. “My prized vegetable garden suddenly shriveled up and turned a putrid black without any warning, then all of our livestock began foaming at mouth before committing mass suicide by jumping off the cliff. At first I thought there must have been a leak at the nearby sewage treatment plant, but then I heard on the news that some stupid punk had his burnt up leftovers tossed off the bridge and into the main river. I’m a devout Christian and I know he’s already dead, but I wish he was even deader.”

Keith Forge, a mortician with over 30 years of experience, weighed in with his thoughts.

“Most people don’t realize that a punk, in any form—whether solid, liquid, or gas—is one of the most dangerous elements known to man,” Forge explained. “Never scatter a punk’s ashes into the air. Instead, try to bury their remains as quickly as possible after they expire as deep down into the earth’s core as you can. Then pour all the cement you can find on top, before encasing it all in an airtight titanium chamber. Then pray that God exists. And if he does, hope he can protect you from the evil that you just messed with, because you’re very likely going to be cursed.”

At press time, the airborne particles of ash were reportedly seen raising the dead of a nearby graveyard.

Lo-fi Masterpiece or Did I Just Forget to Export All the Audio Channels?

By Amity Gilmour

I’ve worked my entire life trying to break into this industry. Several years as a violinist, a stint with indie rock, and a regrettable six months spent at Shaffer Conservatory. Seven albums, fifteen singles, and a pirate radio station later, and I hadn’t seen a drop of success. Until earlier today, when I “uploaded” a “Lofi” track.

Half a million downloads for pleasant_beats_v12_final(2).mp3. Yes, that is the name of the Bandcamp listing. You’d think that’d shoot the SEO in the foot, but I’ve already gotten comments praising the originality of the name.

The problem? I didn’t even mean to do this.

I don’t know if it was a misclick or a solar flare flipping a bit on my motherboard, but I only exported three of the audio tracks. Some humming, a gentle knock on the table, and the sounds of me chopping up the vinyl of Taylor Swift’s Tortured Poets Department. Looped over an hour, and uploaded to Bandcamp purely by accident.

At first, I was horrified. I’d torn apart a creation I’d spent hundreds of hours on! Apparently, that was a waste of time. All I needed to do was loop three tracks, crackle the audio like some microwave popcorn, and stick an anime girl on the cover. Instant success. I left a recording of me kicking my desk in there, and someone commented how nostalgic it made them for their old office.

I haven’t had so much as a dozen downloads of my previous music. The only review I ever received was someone calling me a ‘tonal plebeian’ and bragging about how they were making $5,000 working from home, every single hour. But now I’m receiving praise for my “dedication to Schafer’s original definition” and “ensuring good grades for Gen Z”?

I don’t even like the genre.

Why would you intentionally make your music sound worse? It’s 2025. Your computer has the power to transform some muffled gas-station bathroom conversation into the cleanest, highest-fidelity track you’ve ever heard. And yet there are some twisted people who think that popping speakers makes for a sick beat.

Oh well. No getting around it now. Especially since my music is now being featured in YouTube Lofi compilations. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go and scratch up some vinyl for my next big hit.

Arsonist Improves Cybertruck

By Doug Kolic

MODESTO, Calif. — A local arsonist who torched a brand new Cybertruck as it sat on the lot of a nearby Tesla dealership claims his crime should be overlooked because he provided a community service by improving its design, according to onlookers who couldn’t disagree.

“Yup, that was all me,” stated the masked man who did not want to be named. “I torched the fucker. Not because of any politically motivated reasons, just because it was the most hideous piece of junk that I’ve ever seen. Not only is it incredibly offensive to the human eye, it’s also so poorly made that a tiny child can literally rip pieces off of it with minimal effort. This kind of abomination deserves only one fate—to burn in the pits of hell from which it came.”

Bystander Craig Berger couldn’t be more impressed with the new design.

“I’m normally a big law and order guy, but in this case the artistic wonder created definitely should give the culprit a pass,” posited Berger. “I’ve never seen so much raw talent before. The way that arsonist was able to melt the weird pointy top into something more appealing was really a thing of beauty. I’m just a small town boy who’s never been outside of the USA, but I’d like to think what this guy created was on par with the great manmade wonders of the world like the pyramids or that Italian statue of the naked guy with his pecker out.”

University arts professor Yvonne Banham says oftentimes vandalism actually improves the original work.

“What we’re seeing in the US is a world-wide phenomenon,” said Banham. “Our first reaction when we see things being defaced is outrage, until we have some time to digest what has occurred. Then, oftentimes, we realize that perhaps the original piece of art as it was initially designed was sub par. I don’t have any opinion on the Cybertrucks per se, but I do know throwing some orange soup on the Mona Lisa sure improved the aesthetics by giving it some edge. Without it, that bitch was as basic as you could get.”

At press time, a few customers were already expressing interest in purchasing the newly designed trucks.