Hard Digest April 25: Early Access Rage Against the Machine, A Boy Named Goo, the Supreme Court, and More

Right-Wing Rage Against the Machine Fan Wishes We Could Go Back to the America That Existed When He Was Too Stupid to Understand the Lyrics

By Reuben Blanchard

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A life-long fan of the political rock group Rage Against the Machine expressed outrage that the band’s politics had changed from how he remembered them in high school, confirmed sources.

“It wasn’t like this when I was young, but now everyone is woke. People are claiming that a song like ‘Take the Power Back’ has some sort of political message. What message?! Is it recorded backward or something? Because I don’t hear it,” said fan Trent Linden, who claims the band needs to go back to their apolitical message they espoused when he was a teenager. “Or in ‘Killing in the Name,’ when they said ‘Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me,’ that was just about telling your mom you don’t want to clean your room. That’s why we all related to that song back then. Now everything has to be political. What’s next? Collaborating with someone like Michael Moore?”

Emily Sortënsussön, Trent’s former girlfriend of four months, said she thought he was joking when he first brought up the band’s stances.

“He’s a funny guy, so I thought he was just like, doing a bit,” said Sortënsussön. “But when I asked him what he actually thought ‘Bulls on Parade’ was about, he just stared at me for a minute and said, ‘I don’t know. Running of the bulls?’ He’s even considering burning all of his Rage Against the Machine CDs to protest. Seriously. I can’t believe I used to have sex with him.”

Francis Bennington, professor of political science at Brown University, says Linden’s confusion over the band’s overt lyrical content has become a trend with people who grew up listening to them but are now conspiratorial suburbanites.

“There’s a real uptick in people who struggle with the same misunderstanding of RATM as Trent. It seems to be based on a need for the comfort of nostalgia mixed with a definite effort to push the idea that the songs have apolitical or even right-wing meanings,” said Bennington. “There’s an entire Reddit page dedicated to the idea that ‘Down Rodeo’ is actually about going down south to a rodeo. A popular TikToker, @NoVax4ThisBlessedMama, put out a video saying ‘People of the Sun’ is about how people just need to give their children lots of sunlight to help cure measles and that sunscreen is the reason people get skin cancer.”

At press time, Linden was overhead in his office wondering if Bad Religion was going to go woke next.

All Grown Up? A Boy Named Goo Goes By Goobert Now

By Jason VanSlycke

Bro, you know that guy I work with? The one who is always taking off his clothes and smearing his face with blackberry juice? It turns out he’s the baby on the cover of that Goo Goo Dolls album, A Boy Named Goo. He’s gonna be at this party tonight. Oh, and he goes by Goobert now. He thinks he’s all grown up!

I think he’s getting a promotion at the office. His productivity has been through the roof. HR keeps telling him to clean his face and put on a shirt, but he just doesn’t listen. The higher-ups can’t argue with Goobert’s track record. It’s like he’s made of blackberry-stained Teflon. So we have to make a good impression at this party. Goobert may be my boss soon.

If he gets a promotion, maybe he’ll get his own office. He sucks to share a cubicle with. Sometimes he’ll just blast that Goo Goo Dolls song “Name” in the office and point to the vinyl copy of A Boy Named Goo that sits on his desk. He did write on it with paint markers so it now reads “A Boy Named GooBERT.” I swear I saw a Johnny Rzeznik wig in a drawer once. But don’t forget, he doesn’t let people call him Goo anymore, only Goobert.

I was up for that promotion, too. But they told me I play it too safe, I follow the rules a little too much. I get what they see in Goobert; he’s a man who knows what he wants, which is taking off his shirt and staining his face with blackberry juice. It’s a good power move in meetings. But the carpet at work looks like a murder scene. When he moves out of the cubicle, I’m gonna look like a serial killer.

If we see him at this party Goodbert may tell you blackberry juice has nootropic properties and that he gets a rash if he wears a shirt but I think he’s just wants you to go, Oh, you’re the kid on the Goo Goo Dolls album, A Boy Named Goo,” and he’ll go, “It’s Goobert now.”

And he’s in the running to be my manager. If only I’d been the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon album, she’s moving up the corporate ladder. It’s too bad I’m just the cigarette-smoking angel baby from Van Halen’s 1984 album.

Supreme Court to Release Opinions Early for Patreon Subscribers

By Max Barth

WASHINGTON — Justices of the Supreme Court announced that they will release their opinions early to select subscribers of a new Patreon account for die-hard fans, confirmed sources.

“SCOTUS+ subscribers at every level will receive exclusive access to our decisions as we overturn decades of jurisprudence. Plus, one actual Court decision each term will be crowdsourced directly from our highest tier supporters, members of the Harlan Crow Premium Plus Robing Room,” said Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh while drinking Rumple Minze from a shoe in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven. “We know people hate all the undisclosed gifts from billionaires, the jet travel, fancy vacations…using court employees to sell our books. But two hundred and seventy-whatever thousand a year doesn’t go as far as it used to. Hence the Patreon.”

So far, subscribers seem to be happy with the service.

“I dig it. For five bucks a month I get this unreleased and rare stuff directly in my inbox,” said Zac Ward. “I’ve been a SCOTUShead since ‘93, when my dad gave me a tape of Justice Scalia’s confirmation hearings in mono. I can’t quite swing the $4 million to get into the Harlan Crow Premium Circle thing where you get the signed Nazi memorabilia and all that, but man, I’d love the chance to go on a safari with those guys. Especially Kavanaugh.”

Court watchers noted that the proposed Patreon could violate the first written Supreme Court Code of Conduct which was released in 2023.

“The problem with the ethics pledge is that it doesn’t specifically say that you can’t make a Patreon at the highest court, and even if it did, there’s no mechanism to enforce it. The 2023 code is more like a glorified Notes app apology after a few of them got caught being shady,” said Tatiana Hall, Professor of Ethics at Princeton University’s Bezos School of Communications. “SCOTUS+ is an entirely different model. It’s about promoting public confidence in the Court by transparently giving ‘We The People’ what we want: early access to an opinion which explains what Gouverneur Morris would think about Plan B.”

As of press time, Congressional leaders from both parties were outraged that they weren’t being cut into the action.

Loved Sinners? Here’s 5 Other Pieces of Vampire Media You’ll Love by Old White Guys

BY Nick Coffman

Sinners blew the doors off of the box office this weekend and left its mark on Hollywood and movie goers alike. I had my issues with the film (it needed more Irish jigs and less cunnilingus). All that aside, Ryan Coogler’s vampiric period piece about appropriation and assimilation still dances around in my head and has me craving more vampire media. I saw my colleagues of the written word were making vampire recommendations and lists, so I thought I would too. Here’s 5 pieces of vampire media I know you’ll love, from the creative minds of old white guys.

From Dusk Till Dawn

Sure, Robert Rodriguez does an amazing job directing his first action-horror film, but you have to give all the credit here to Quentin Tarantino’s screenplay. He effortlessly blends elements of westerns, vampiric horror, and a role for himself where he sucks on Salma Hayek’s toes. This is just a good old heist movie where bank robbers take on a gang of vampire strippers. Did I mention there’s a guy with a penis gun?

Dracula

Did the women in Sinners have too much agency for you? Prefer your leading ladies to do a little less leading and a little more following? Then I have a book for you. Mina and Lucy are fine characters, but they know how to get out of the way and let the boys play. There are very few vampires in this, aside from the Count and his nameless daughters, but the classic novel does share some themes with Sinners. Count Dracula was the first appropriator, the original Mr. Steal Your Girl.

BloodRayne

I’m honestly surprised Tarantino didn’t try to write, direct, and act in the film adaptation of this game series’. Something tells me he would have put his best foot forward.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

If Buffy taught me anything it’s that monsters can be anywhere, including the writers’ room of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Fevre Dream

When I recall George R.R. Martin’s pre-civil war vampiric steamboat adventure, two things come to mind. 1. I am just glad he finished something. 2. Quentin Tarantino would snatch these film rights up in a heartbeat if he knew how many times the N slur was used in this book.