Hard Digest April 21: Pope Francis, Early Access GWAR, Eric Andre, Botox, and More

Pope Francis Dies Rather Than Spend Any More Time With JD Vance

By Tim Sheard

VATICAN CITY – The Holy See Press Office announced that Pope Francis chose the calming embrace of death rather than experience any additional time spent on this Earthly plane of existence in the presence of United States Vice President, JD Vance.

“He did everything he could to avoid the meeting. We feared such an encounter would drain whatever love for life and physical stamina the Holy Father had left,” shared Cardinal Angelo Poppavilla while trying to cleanse the Vatican of any remnants of Vice President Vance. “It was like interacting with a human blackhole, completely exhausting, an utter sap of energy. We tried to say he was busy, but Vance insisted. Francis played up the sickness, sitting on his thermometer, loudly coughing behind closed doors, but to no avail. We even thought of announcing paint renovations or a terrorist threat, yet still, nothing deterred Vance.”

Official Vatican doctor Dr. Luigi Midiciano corroborates reports of the deleterious meeting on Pope Francis’s health.

“With every minute in Vance’s taxing presence, Il Papa grew more faint,” shared Dr. Midiciano while conferring with the Roman medical community. “His vital signs fell immediately, almost like a magnetic response, in direct correspondence with JD’s harmful presence. This unbearable man, he is like human kryptonite. I could see with my own eyes: after their handshake, His Holiness was so pale that he blended into his robes, his soul hovering somewhere more pleasant, astral-projecting above the room just to survive. The Pontiff looked like a deflated Michelin Man.”

Vice President Vance was seen fuming in the halls of the Vatican, angered at their cosmically truncated encounter.

“Talk about being completely undermined. I bet it’s cuz he’s from South America. That’s where a lot of our illegals come from, ya know? So we can see where his loyalties lie. Also, they’re wildly unhealthy down there, so I’m not surprised,” snorted Vance while checking military plans on Signal. “That’s OK. I’ll just circle back to him within God’s glorious kingdom of Heaven. Of course, that’s assuming this queer-loving pro-migrant radical Pope isn’t burning in Hell with his fellow libs. Besides, he never once said ‘Thank you’ for my visit. Complete abomination of a so-called spiritual leader.”

Urged to leave the premises by Vatican officials, Vice President Vance announced a trip to the Himalayas for an impromptu meeting with the Dalai Lama.

New GWAR Lead Vocalist Announced with Towering Cloud of White Cum

By Laurie Bolewitz

RICHMOND, Va. — Metal band GWAR’s newest lead vocalist was announced via a giant white steam cloud of creamy ejaculate spouting out of the roof of a derelict industrial plant, confirmed grossed out albeit intrigued sources.

“Fuck. I mean, I’ve been elsewhere in the world when a new GWAR lead vocalist was chosen, so I knew I couldn’t miss this one. It’s a humbling, once-in-a-lifetime event,” said fan and self-proclaimed slave/human filth Bobby Jo Mildon, wiping his eyes clear of both tears and hot-dripping splooge. “When I heard the news, I packed my family into a van and we drove all night. The kids weren’t sure what was happening, but they could tell it was important. Also, if you know of any local mechanics that can carefully detail semen out of an early-2000s Chrysler minivan transmission, please let me know.”

An outline of the ceremonial process was patiently illustrated by GWAR holy man and long-time drummer Jizmak Da Gusha.

“GWAR members make a hallowed oath to take this process very seriously,” said Da Gusha. “We convene in a secluded, consecrated space. We meditate upon our choices and pontificate to one another on the need to make a balanced and well-informed selection. We then engage in a tedious voting process via multiple anonymous ballots per day and then, once we are confident in our choice and the vote mathematically indicates a two-thirds majority, the decision’s finality is signaled with a mile-high maelstrom of super-fucked-up cock snot.”

Tate Langdon, a PhD student finishing his thesis on Scientific Historical Development in Religious Studies, further explained some of the precise details of this historic and momentous wad shot.

“This process has occurred for millions of years, and each time it’s special,” Landgon explained. “But some elements of this blessed conclave remain constant. Our studies have shown that the pillar of black smoke that appears nightly if they haven’t reached a decision seems to be a composite ignition of unidentifiable organic and inorganic materials. Possibly a mix of incinerated rubber tires and human bones. Maybe some tar? It smells awful. So that adds to the relief of a selection being made. Followers are blessed with a new venerable leader as well as the smell of sweet, sweet cum.”

At press time, GWAR noted that this seminal event has been most pleasurable and celebratory, and band members are pleased to return to normalcy to focus on their true passion, which is killing.

Wait What? I Thought This Was an Eric Andre Prank but I Think I Actually Helped Him Kill Someone

By Kyle Donley

It was unmistakably Eric Andre ordering a Chablis on the rocks next to me at the bar. I’m a pretty big comedy fan (name a Netflix stand-up special I haven’t seen, I’m waiting…) so I leaned in and said, “Legalize ranch!” For a moment I didn’t know if he was going to hit me or kiss me, but then he laughed. At my joke! Or I guess it was his joke technically, but I said it! And before I knew it, we were doing shots of ranch in the VIP section of Ruth’s Chris, just two guys goofing off and getting to know each other.

Not everyone “gets” Eric’s brand of humor but I’ve seen a bunch of his stuff so when he asked if I could ‘“make his kid’s teacher disappear” I instantly knew he was doing a bit. Believe it or not, I’ve actually taken some improv classes before, so I was just trying to understand the game better and help elevate the scene any way I could. I didn’t fully understand all of it, but he clearly wanted this idiot teacher dead and had a hilariously convoluted plan involving the MS13 and an organ-harvesting pyramid scheme. Who was I to say no? There’s actually a famous improv saying — “Yes and” — which basically means you have to say yes to everything otherwise you’re not funny and you ruin the scene.

So there I was dressed like a police officer in a gas station bathroom in Chino with all these plastic bags full of bloody rags and I’m thinking, don’t laugh. We have to get this shot. Eric was probably off somewhere watching the dailies, just waiting for me to break. And I almost did when the SWAT team kicked in the door. So friggin EPIC! How are they even filming this? I haven’t seen any cameras except for that one flip-phone camera Eric was using to film me in the shower.

Anyways I’m at my “sentencing” right now. I just can’t believe how elaborate this prank is. Talk about a long con, who would even want to watch this? Especially all the legal crap and the sad stuff with my parents. And when is Eric even coming back? He could clear up all this business about the prop knife he gave me. And the prop corpse I “mutilated.” This judge looks so familiar. I feel like they were on an episode of Broad City maybe? Ah this is going to bug me.

The death penalty!? Wow that’s a little over the top but ok. Kind of thought this would be the point where they would say “Sike” or something. I’ll tell you what, these handcuffs do not feel like props. Neither did my cellmate’s prop penis from the other night. Still kind of unpacking that whole situation. Oh, I know where that judge is from! He was in that true crime doc about that guy who killed all those people… and got the death penalty. Oh Jesus. Ok, I think I fucked up bad.

Trump Administration Demands Staff Receive Botox in Lieu of Vaccines

By Tim Gill

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump issued a mandate that all federal employees must cease obtaining vaccinations and instead schedule weekly Botox injections, confirmed sources.

“We can no longer trust the science on vaccinations, whether it’s for the measles, mumps, or kielbasa,” said Trump. “The injections, however, must go on. We can’t stop the injections. That said, I’m requiring all federal employees schedule weekly Botox injections with our staff of plastic surgeons. We have the very best of them, too. The best in the world. No one is too young to receive Botox. You can have toddlers receiving it. You can have babies receiving it. It doesn’t matter the age. Botox straightens the face out and freezes it. This is what we want to see. Faces frozen in place and smiling. We don’t want any moping. Moping? You’re fired.”

White House staff member Jeremy J. Kelly hoped to receive an HPV vaccine, but will now begin Botox injections instead.

“I was recently turned down for an HPV vaccine,” Kelly revealed. “Now that Trump issued this mandate, I’ve had four rounds of Botox and I’m scheduled for 25 more by the end of 2025. I can’t move my jaw very well and everyone keeps asking me why my forehead doesn’t move when I smile. My immediate boss said Trump wants to see zero facial wrinkles on everyone, so I guess I’m just following orders. The worst part is that I’m only 25 but the Botox is making me look 45.”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that the federal government was considering mandating Botox injections for all federal employees’ family pets as well.

“Botox has a tendency to tighten up animal meat, rendering it more succulent. Dogs, cats, gerbils, you name it. Botox tenderizes things in a way that would make you salivate,” said Kennedy Jr. “I hosted a dinner party for some diplomats from Russia a few weeks ago, and they had no idea I served them Botox-injected hamster meat and penguin eggs. The treatment just makes everything taste juicier. They loved it. They couldn’t get enough. Once we start negotiating with Greenland, I’m hoping to cook some up for our Greenlandic counterparts too.”

At press time, President Trump issued an order mandating all staff receive mandatory lip filler treatment.

“We Didn’t Watch Brain Rot When I Was Your Age” Says Millennial Who Can Recite Every YTMND Meme From Memory

BY Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS, Min. — Brian Howard, 40, spent upwards of an hour fruitlessly explaining to his nephew that brain rot videos did not exist when he was a teenager, in spite of the fact he could easily recite every meme and sound clip from the website You’re the Man Now Dog, family members have confirmed.

“See, our irreverent and weird memes had substance. Not this mindless skibidi toilet or creepy YouTube family crap where there’s no subtext or commentary. Back in my day you could spend all day looking at memes online and feel more intelligent than when you started,” said Howard, whose pop culture references are made up entirely of YTMND quotes. “You kids today just regurgitate whatever crap you watch on TikTok and don’t even question how stupid it is! Seriously, look at all these Office Space pages I made in my teens. It’s called variations on a theme, buddy. This is a lost art.”

Howard’s nephew, Noah, was less than pleased to receive a lecture from someone he perceived as a brazen hypocrite.

“Uncle Brian thinks stuff like Ohio, rizz, and gooning are killing my brain? I don’t think he realizes I have access to the same websites he used to visit and what I’ve seen is shocking. He is one ‘Moon Man’ quote in a public setting away from being cancelled, and I’m not going to bail him out when it happens,” said Noah Howard. “He literally cannot read anything out loud without reciting like the Dramatic Reading of a Breakup Letter. I wish we just did normal things together, like look at new YTMND stuff, but he always complains it’s not the same. His brain isn’t capable of acknowledging internet content past 2011.”

Internet historians acknowledged that Brian’s situation is just a cycle repeating itself.

“Having been present for the immense expansion of the early internet, millennials look at their mindless indulgences and vernacular as still being relevant. But the oldest running joke in civilization is that you’ll wake up one day and believe all the kids are wrong,” said Mark Wallace. “And yeah, that does include believing 3D text over meatspin GIFs and random audio from Star Trek: TNG was the pinnacle of internet humor and shouldn’t have evolved before that. Which, as an older millennial myself, is completely valid. You just had to be there, okay?”

Brian spent the rest of the afternoon under intense pressure from his nephew to admit whether or not he participated in the Tide pod challenge.