Hard Digest April 19: Early Access Easter and 4/20

Trump Presents Verizon Wireless Easter Egg Roll in Front of Newly Renamed TD Bank White House

By Zack Zagranis

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delayed the annual White House Easter Egg Roll a in order to allow time to thank all the corporate sponsors who are making the event possible, confirmed multiple sources in fresh Comcast gear confirmed.

“Just weeks after making a historic deal with TD Bank to rebrand The White House, and this was a great deal people, one of the best deals in the history of America. A lot of people are saying historians love the deal and want to put it in books, I’m proud to announce that Verizon Wireless has agreed to sponsor this year’s Easter Egg Roll,” said the President wearing a Tesla hat and jacket. “In honor of this partnership, I’ve signed an executive order declaring the word ‘egg’ will now be spelled with five ‘g’s like Verizon’s lightning-fast 5G network. We love 5g, right folks? Now, let’s get these eggs rolling like Verizon rolls your minutes over from month to month with their new Unlimited Plus plan!”

Attendees of the inaugural TD Bank White House Easter Egg Roll sponsored by Verizon Wireless had mixed feelings about the President’s announcement.

“Usually, they give the kids a wooden egg as a souvenir, but this year, thanks to Verizon, they gave out brand new iPads, which is awesome,” said Buck Johnson, a parent at the event. “I just wish the iPads didn’t come pre-installed with Truth Social and ads for My Pillow. We’ve only had the thing an hour, and my eight-year-old daughter is already afraid an alien is going to beam into our house and eat her cat. I tried telling her they didn’t mean that kind of alien, and she just narrowed her eyes at me and called me a Soros plant, whatever the hell that means.”

Terri Barclay, the journalist behind the popular leftist Substack newsletter “Terri Tells It,” expressed her exasperation at the administration’s newest stunt.

“TD Bank White House, Verizon Egg Roll, what’s next? Frito-Lay presents the Doritos State of the Union?” said Barclay. “The White House Easter Egg Roll has been a tradition since 1878, and up until now, no president has ever successfully privatized it. Reagan got close in ‘87, but then he came to his senses and realized Lisa Frank eggs would look too garish on camera. Trump, on the other hand, doesn’t care about anything but money. He’d sell his own children if he could make a profit. I’m not kidding. He’s reportedly been trying to sell Eric to Pfizer as a human test subject for years now!”

At press time, Senator Cory Booker announced he would be cancelling a scheduled 48-hour speech on the Senate floor to protest Trump’s recent actions so he can be the keynote speaker at the Goldman Sachs shareholder event.

Opinion: Telling People Today Is Hitler’s Birthday and the Columbine Anniversary Is All the High I Need

By Dan Rice

Idon’t mean to come off as preachy or superior, but I’ve always felt sorry for people who need to consume a substance to have a good time. It’s 4/20, and around the country, people are “celebrating” by getting “high” on a psychoactive chemical that sedates them and distorts their sense of reality, it’s sad. Me, I make my own good time. Yes sir, raining on other people’s parades by reminding them that today is actually Hitler’s birthday and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting is all the high I’ve ever needed.

It really saddens me that the youth of today think they need cannabis to cope when all you need to do is bum someone else the fuck out. They’ll never know the charge you can get out of harshing a stoner’s proverbial mellow, and it’s a tragedy. Enjoy your fleeting high, I’ll be making memories of ruining other people’s day that will last me a goddamn lifetime.

Life is so much richer when you make other people’s lives so much poorer. I’ll never forget 4/20/2017. I was at my usual coffee shop being waited on by the barista who still wore hemp jewelry for some reason. As she handed me my Americano she apologized for being “a little slow today,” and confided in me that she had eaten an edible that morning “to celebrate the holiday.” Evidently she trusted me not to narc on her, and I didn’t. What I did do was fire back “Oh, you mean HITLER’S BIRTHDAY? Cause that’s what today is!” I watched light leave her eyes, watched shame slowly wash over her face. She lost something in that moment, and you know where that something went? Right to me baby. Right to the goddamn king.

You know what she said? “I never even thought about Hitler having a birthday.” How fucking priceless is that?!

I had to work on 4/20 last year, but it didn’t slow my roll one bit. When my coworker made the mistake of small-talking me with “Bro, I can’t wait to get out of here and go celebrate with my bong!” I shot back “Wow Jeff, it’s pretty fucked up of you to celebrate Columbine like that, a lot of kids died.” As he desperately tried to backpedal I just walked away grinning ear to ear.

Oh, you think you’re safe from my bullshit? You’ve heard the Hitler/Columbine thing a million times? You’ve come to terms with it, have you? What about the Nicoll Highway collapse? What about the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, fuckface? There are only so many days in a year and bad shit happens on every one of them, I’ve got a million of these. Guess what, my grandmother died on 4/20. Tell me I’m lying, I fucking dare you.

This year 4/20 falls on Easter, and boy is my family in for it. When me and my cousins go for our “walk” I’m hitting them with every depressing 4/20 factoid I’ve got and a big heaping helping of “Here we are celebrating Easter when Christianity has killed more people than all wars combined” for dessert, all while Bogarting their precious joint. Oh, I do smoke. I just don’t NEED IT like you LOSERS!

Local Potheads Go Door to Door Singing Stoner Metal Carols on 4/20

By Bobby Korec

PORTLAND, Ore. — A group of local potheads went door to door singing stoner metal carols to celebrate 4/20, confirmed sources peering outside their blinds.

“We do all the holiday classics, including Kyuss, Sleep, and a song from my band’s new demo,” said caroler Kyle Donovan while flipping to the next page of his song book. “All of our neighbors were clearly elated to see us. That is, the few that actually opened their doors after five straight minutes of ringing their bells and tapping on their windows. If they didn’t answer after that, we had no choice but to break in through the kitchen window. The holiday cheer must be spread one way or another. We did about 90 minutes per house which, now that I think about it, is probably not nearly enough time. Jeez, I hope no one felt like they were shortchanged when we were finished.”

Neighbors were admittedly more in the holiday spirit after a visit from the carolers.

“After their rendition of Bongzilla on my porch, I couldn’t wait to do my annual holiday tradition of smoking a joint, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box, and taking a three-hour nap in the middle of the day,” said Arthur Dwellers. “Hell, the performance even gave me the energy to put up my 4/20 tree this year. I’ll decorate it and put up the lights tomorrow. I’m wiped from the long day. Until then I’m going to watch the 24 hours of ‘Dazed and Confused’ marathon that TBS does every year.”

Experts warned that the caroling phenomenon isn’t exclusive to the marijuana-based holidays.

“Christmas and 4/20 are not the only national days of celebration you’ll see people go door to door belting out holiday-relevant tunes,” said music historian Kate Manzardo. “The Halloween carolers go around singing goth classics like Bauhaus and Sisters of Mercy. The St. Patrick’s Day carolers sing a steady dose of Dropkick Murphys while absolutely shitfaced. And April Fool’s Day brings out carolers singing Weird Al and Tenacious D to their neighbors. Sure, people are fed up with having to deal with complete strangers on their stoops every holiday, but it’s the only way people remember when it’s Arbor Day or Thanksgiving.”

At press time, a rival group of 4/20 carolers were seen going door to door singing Phish and Grateful Dead songs to neighbors.

How to Surprise Yourself With a Nice Dinner by Getting High and Forgetting You Made It

By Arielle Andreano

It’s 4/20, and you’re probably thinking, “Who cares, I already smoke weed every day,” right? Well, what if I told you that even the most seasoned of stoners could make their 4/20 celebrations magical and whimsical? Gone are the days of you thinking, “What’s so special about smoking a joint and watching Hot Fuzz when I do that every Sunday? How could I possibly make this 4/20 memorable?” I have come up with a foolproof method to inspire and delight yourself this and every 4/20.

Picture this: Miami, 2010, opening weekend of “Tron: Legacy.” I got stoned out of my butt to watch Thirteen from “House” drive cars made of light and decided to treat myself to some movie theater pizza. I ordered, they told me it would be 10 minutes, I paid, and, out of habit, I returned to my seat. About 20 minutes later, deep into a “Gnomio and Juliet” preview, my munchies said to me “man, a pizza would fucking slap right now.” And that’s when I remembered I already had one waiting for me.

Eating that surprise pizza at that hella-mid movie was one of the greatest experiences of my life, and I vowed to find a way to capture the magic for future celebrations.

Here’s how you’re going to surprise yourself with a nice dinner by getting high and forgetting you made it.

1. Choose a recipe
For obvious reasons we’re going to try and pick on that won’t burn easily. We’re not doing pizza, roasted veggies, or oven baked chicken wings unless you want to have to explain in court how you burned down an entire apartment complex. We’re going to lean heavily into the simmer. We’re talkin’ succulent soups, stews, and sauces.

2. Consume marijuana
While you’re cooking, you’re going to be smoking a joint or doing your edible of choice. Remember it’s 4/20, so leave those gentle sativas on the shelf. Today is the day to bust out that jar of Captain Junkie you haven’t touched since it made you freak out at that family brunch. Once you realize you’ve been mincing the garlic for an hour now, you know you’ve reached the optimal amount of stoned to forget you even cooked this meal in an hour.

3. Go down an ADHD rabbit hole
Once you get to the simmer stage, you’re going to either go on YouTube or Google for a deep dive. Here are some suggested topics: lesser-known Coppolas, the personal life section of Ralph Fiennes’ Wikipedia page, or anything at all relating to Walton Goggins. You will lose yourself in this, but eventually, your munchies will say, “Hey, I could really go for some shakshouka right about now.” At this point, you will smell the delicious scents from the kitchen, and your cravings will be instantly rewarded with perfectly simmered tomato-y goodness. You will probably burn your mouth, but it’ll be so perfect you won’t care. Enjoy. You deserve this.

4. Wait, is that the smoke detector?
Eventually, you’ll eat yourself into a wonderful slumber on the recliner, only to be rudely awakened by a life-saving device. Looks like you bumped the gas nozzle up to high on your way out of the kitchen again, and you have sauce-napped your way into an emergency. Grab your photo albums, small sentimental objects, and of course, your stash, then get the fuck out of there.