Hard Digest April 18: Early Access Weird Al, MAGA, Haunted Dolls, and More

Man Coming to Terms With Fact He’ll Never Feel Same Happiness as He Did Seeing Weird Al’s “Dare to be Stupid” Video for First Time

By Chris Bowen

LOCKPORT, N.Y. — Local 35-year-old man Richard Colburn recently came to the stark realization that he will never again experience joy like he did watching the Weird Al “Dare to be Stupid” music video on “Al TV” for the first time, depressed sources report.

“I thought being a father, having a beautiful wife, and even having my picture taken in the front seat of Grave Digger would bring me even just a tiny morsel of the same joy I experienced watching Weird Al put his head in a microwave to give himself a tan, but it’s all been futile,” Colburn explained. “I suppose it could be worse. At least I know when my happiness peaked, unlike 90% of the other people my age I know who seem to have never enjoyed anything ever at all, not even Weird Al inexplicably wearing pool goggles or a group of adults squeezing Charmin around a table or anything. Poor saps.”

Colburn’s wife claims to have spent years of their marriage doing whatever she can to help her husband cope with his recent revelation.

“When Rich told me, I was a bit thrown off. I never knew the Eat It guy brought him so much delight,” Jessica Colburn explained while wearing a yellow jumpsuit. “Since then, I’ve tried to do things like dress like they do in that video and I even made a little stop-motion reenactment of our first date for our 10 year anniversary. Nothing works. Not even that time I slowly emerged from a giant vat of mashed potatoes on his birthday one year and said ‘mashed potatoes can be your friend.’”

Mental health professionals say many Millennial patients share similar stories to that of Colburn.

“The advent of music television in the 1980s, and its continuation into the 1990s, exposed many children to a wide range of scarring content,” Dr. Brenda Tilburg stated. “My patients have made references to the Primus ‘Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver’ music video as the point they were first overcome with the prospect of their own mortality. Needless to say, MTV was the death knell for the potential of any sort of happiness for the Millennial generation.”

At press time, Jessica Colburn rented “Transformers: the Movie” for her husband in an attempt to expose him to a way to enjoy “Dare to Be Stupid” in another context.

Opinion: Is This Family MAGA, or Just Blonde?

By Peter Ferrarese

My family and I love living here in Montclair — there are restaurants for my wife and me, theaters and museums for the kids, and we absolutely adore our neighborhood. But something’s happened recently: this family, the Connors, moved in across the street about two months ago, and they’re a little…let’s say, suspicious. There’s the father, Marshall, his wife Judy, and their son and daughter. They’re a nuclear white unit, and here’s the kicker: all of them are blonde. We’re thinking they might be, y’know… “MAGA.”

Ever since the Connors set up shop on our street, we’ve been trying to get a sense of whether they’re a Trump-loving bunch with a secret stash of red baseball caps to cover their golden locks. During a recent conversation I learned that Marshall chops his own wood for fires – seems a little conservative, right? But then again, I wish I could do that, so we can’t use it as definitive evidence.

I thought we had some solid evidence about these blondies being weird Elon Musk apologists after Judy was talking with my wife Erin about how much she loved Colleen Hoover. To me, that’s a surefire sign, but Erin said that Judy apparently also loves Toni Morrison. Judy is a wildcard at best.

Recently, at their daughter Kate’s birthday party, I sent our daughter Cara to “wander” upstairs and tell us if she saw any guns lying around anywhere, especially big ones (but told her not to touch them – I’m a responsible dad). She didn’t find any guns, but did see a katana on the wall in Marshall’s office, which just suggests he might be a secret weeb, if anything.

The next few items on my checklist I went through in rapid succession: obnoxiously large, American-made car? No, they drive a Subaru, God damn it. Bringing up religion at weird moments? No, they say grace at dinner but that’s about it. And worst of all, no off-putting opinions about how college makes kids liberal and woke or whatever. I think their son Jack wants to go to Villanova. If this family is MAGA, they hide it pretty freaking well.

Cara ran to the window this past Saturday and said that Marshall was putting up a sign in their yard. This is it, I thought, the definitive answer. Sure enough, there he was…but it wasn’t a Trump sign, it was just a yard sale. Maybe the Connors are just blonde after all. Still, constant vigilance.

Haunted Doll Can’t Believe Goodwill Employee Only Pricing It at $4.99

By Ben Friedman

OCEAN TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Tilly, a haunted Victorian era doll recently donated to a local Goodwill, is on the cusp of tormenting the souls of every employee in the store after being priced at a paltry $4.99, frightened shoppers have reported.

“This feckless laborer knows nothing! I have not spent 200 years in this vessel, devouring countless souls and driving people to the brink of insanity to only end up priced cheaper than something called a ‘Hard Rock Cafe Denver margarita glass.’ He could have at least put me in the glass display cabinet with the cursed jewelry,” said Tilly. “Does this buffoon not sense my aura? I am evil incarnate, and I can float. This is real dead child’s blood on my dress, not ketchup or whatever he assumed. But no, someone saw to it that I am equals with an old keyboard.”

The Goodwill employee who assessed Tilly’s value did not see an issue with the price tag.

“I think one of my coworkers is playing a prank on me because I keep hearing someone whisper that I’m a cheapskate but when I turn around there’s no one there. I have a tried and true method of pricing our donations. For instance the creepy ass doll that came in earlier reeks of sulfur and its eyes blink intermittently,” said Randy Paulson. “Frankly I’d price it lower, but apparently it has a voice box which I didn’t think existed for a doll this old. Somebody clearly has an issue with my appraisal because it keeps mysteriously appearing amongst more expensive stuff like knives and sharp power tools.”

Experts noted that haunted objects need to be handled much differently from other donations.

“Yeah, see the problem is that since haunted objects are sentient, they also have an ego. All it takes is one hapless store clerk slapping a clearance tag on a demonic stuffed animal to set them off on a killing spree,” said auction house owner Debra Hollis. “Dolls like Tilly belong in their natural habitat, specifically in forgotten rooms of old antique shops or at estate sales in dilapidated mansions where all of the inhabitants were driven mad. It’s best to pay top dollar and then store them away before they kill you in your sleep.”

As of press time, Tilly possessed Paulson in order to change her price tag to $666, saying “I’m worth it, dammit.”

We Look Back on the January 6th Level of Untitled Goose Game

BY Steve Packosky

Few games released over the past decade match the quaint charm of 2019’s indie puzzle hit “Untitled Goose Game,” in which the player guides the winged title (or rather, “untitle”) character on a whimsical, rabble-rousing journey through a sleepy English village. With endearing missions ranging from pumpkin theft all the way to tea-spilling, it ensured a pleasantly amusing experience for casual and die-hard gamers alike. You may even have a non-gaming friend or relative who was drawn into the antics of the mischievous protagonist. After all, who can pass up the opportunity to be a nuisance from time to time?

It was with this in mind that we were taken aback by the game’s 2021 “January 6th” DLC level. The attack on our country’s congressional seat by hordes of disinformed idiots is known by rationally-minded Americans as the embarrassing and disgraceful culmination of an entire political party kowtowing to the narcissistic and demented whims of a wealthy conman turned failed politician, who was ultimately rewarded for his disgraceful actions with a second term in office. It hardly seems like it provides good fodder for something with Untitled Goose Game’s darling reputation, so we decided to revisit in case there was something we had missed in our first playthrough four years ago.

While the gameplay still consists of assigned checklists set to jaunty Claude Debussy piano passages matching the tempo of the onscreen action, it now has much more sinister undertones. Why is the focus all of a sudden on domestic terrorism, rather than on being an adorable pest to faceless townsfolk? Take the “use your beak to untie the Capitol police officer’s shoe” task early in the level. While seemingly harmless at face value, the intimation is clear as we see a bearded militia member approaching the distracted lawman with a can of bear mace in his hand while our goose makes its way to the next area. Or the “move Nancy Pelosi’s wastepaper basket out from under her desk” objective. This initially seems aligned with the gentle behavior of the little rascal we know and love from the original, until we see the Confederate-flag waving gentleman in the Carhardt jacket step into the then-Speaker of the House’s office and defecate into the freshly uncovered waste receptacle. The crafty stealth and puzzle-solving of the original are still there, but much of its appeal fades away as the gamer is reminded of how much of a repugnant hellscape Americans have let their once impressive empire devolve into. After all, this is something most people are trying to escape while playing video games.

In closing, do we still think this level is worth playing? Absolutely, and especially if you’re a fan of the original. We just hope the setting was a one-off misfire, and the franchise returns to its roots in any potential sequels the future may have in store for us. We definitely prefer the idea of using our antics to stir up minor inconveniences for a collection of good-hearted Brits over contributing to the rapid and irrevocable decay of our country’s political order, and we hope the developers over at House House Pty Ltd understand this going forward.

Stardew Valley’s “Shirley Jackson” Update Adds Exciting New Festival to the Calendar

BY Peter Cunis

LOS ANGELES, CA — Over a year after its 1.6 update, Stardew Valley is getting yet another surprise update. Solo developer Eric “ConcernedApe” Barrone took to X earlier today to announce the new “Shirley Jackson” update, which should be arriving sometime later this year.

“I’m very excited for you all to experience the new festival, which takes place on day 27 of summer,” stated Barrone in his announcement, “Every villager will gather in the square and take part in a raffle. I’m not going to tell you what the prize is yet, but let’s just say you should head to the mines and load up on stone before the 27th!”

ConcernedApe also suggests that players should consider detaching themselves emotionally from the other villagers before the festival. “Take update 1.6 as a reminder that Stardew is a utilitarian game. It’s great that players form personal attachments for their in-game friends and neighbors, but remember that this town has traditions that demonstrably boost corn production, and those traditions take precedence over your personal feelings for others.”

But that’s not all! ConcernedApe also hinted at a new Farmhouse: “I’m just going to put this out there: you might be able to move into a house that, not sane, has stood for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. If you like upright walls, firm floors, and sensibly shut doors, get ready!”

Stardew fans took to social media to voice their excitement for the upcoming festival. “I can’t believe that after all these years, ConcernedApe is still coming up with new ideas,” posted Leahssweetcheeks00 on Reddit, “I’m so excited to see what fun shenanigans we get up to at this new festival! And oh boy, if we get more corn out of it, all the better.” On the Stardew Facebook page, one savvy commenter theorized that “this for sure will be the update that reveals that everyone in Stardew Valley has been dead all along.” And popular Stardew streamer BrickMeUpPierre speculated that “nothing could possibly go wrong with this new festival.”

The 1.6 update for Stardew Valley is scheduled to drop on June 26th, which is the anniversary of some old short story or something.