Hard Digest April 15: Early Access The Wiggles, Flags, Vegans, and More

The Wiggles and Raffi to Headline When We Were Even Younger Festival

By Shane Pauker

LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.

“Former scene kids bought When We Were Young tickets by the fistful just to experience a weekend of nostalgia. We knew other age brackets would have the same success,” stated festival organizer Ashley Corn. “Our staff of Freudian analysts say that infancy is the next-best period for capitalizing on fans’ psychosexual development, so we jumped on the opportunity. When We Were Even Younger will bring all of the biggest names in kid rock to a common stage. Attendees will get to listen to the biggest artists they loved when they were in elementary school and didn’t know any better. The VIP package will include a meet and greet with Barney.”

The spin-off festival quickly found an audience willing to pay for non-prog songs about whales and fruit.

“I saw these musicians as a kid, but I don’t remember any of their sets,” explained festival ticket holder Mark Sanchez. “Now I’m going to see them as a bonafide grown-up. I can’t wait to see ‘Fruit Salad’ in the sober lucidity of a music festival in the desert. I’m going to remember these moments for the rest of my life. And even if I don’t — well, when I was a kid, what happened in my diaper stayed in my diaper. As I understand it, Vegas is kind of like the diaper of adulthood. Whatever happens can stay there.”

The headliners couldn’t wait to play a different kind of show than what they were used to.

“I’ve had 34 years of crying and screaming and teething from the audience. I just want sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll without judgy side-eyes from the chick in the dinosaur costume,” complained Anthony Field, the last original Wiggle still in the band. “It’s not some glamorous lifestyle as a touring kids’ musician. You’re crashing on the Gymboree floor for naptime and hoping your gear doesn’t get stolen out of your comically undersized Big Red Car. And it’s not like you can party in between gigs; you can’t do a bump off a key that’s jingling in front of you. This Wiggle needs to cut loose and live out the lifestyle he’s earned.”

At press time, They Might Be Giants were rumored to join the lineup as well, but it remains unclear whether they will play any of their child-oriented content.

We Interviewed One of Those Guys With a “We the People Are Pissed Off” Flag Outside Their House and It Turns Out He’s So Angry Because “Freaks and Geeks” Was Canceled After Only One Season

By Steve Packosky

You may think of us as a punk website, but it’s long been our goal to evolve into a source of objective news for all Americans. As such, we have begun interviewing everyday members of the working class to hear their takes on the state of our country, regardless of whether they happen to align with ours. That’s why we recently sat down with 67-year-old Carl Tresser of Stillwater, NY to learn what fuels his grievances after we noticed a “We the People Are Pissed Off!” flag outside his house. We hoped to find common ground with this individual by learning the true nature of his discontent, and in doing so bridging the gap between us and maybe even working together to heal the hostile divide that’s been so detrimental to our nation.

The Hard Times: Hi Carl, how are you?

Carl Tresser: Well, The Hard Times, like every decent American, I’m furious!

HT: Well, let’s get to the bottom of this, Carl. Why are you so angry?

CT: The citizens of this once-great nation are wise to the bullshit that’s been sold to us. If those woke groomers over at NBC think they can just leave the American people hanging after Lindsay Weir skipped out on her academic summit to follow the Grateful Dead on tour, they‘ve got a world of hurt coming their way!

HT: Wait, what?

CT: Did I stutter? That program was a goddamn masterpiece, and we only got one season of it. For what? “Scrubs?” That one was alright, but it was nowhere near as good. “Crossing Jordan?” Can you even tell me what that fucking show was about?

HT: Hold on, are you talking about “Freaks and Geeks?”

CT: What else would I be talking about? I’m a goddamn patriot! I love my family, I love my God, and I just want to know if Daniel Desario continued hanging out with the Geeks after he played Dungeons and Dragons with them that one time. Well I’ll tell you one thing: the American people aren’t going to stand for this much longer. It’s only a matter of time until we rise up, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

HT: We certainly weren’t expecting that to be the reason for your outspoken ire.

CT: Well, I have no idea what you thought it might’ve been. And I haven’t even mentioned that we never got closure between Sam and Cindy. I mean, they broke up, but did they ever get back together? I guess we’ll never know, and it’s because of this that I proudly fly that flag on my front porch.

HT: OK, yeah, I mean, we were pretty disappointed when that show got canceled, too. It was really good and stopping it so suddenly definitely didn’t seem justified.

CT: Fucking right. It’s like I’m always saying, cancel culture has gone too far!

HT: Just out of curiosity, do you have any particular feelings on our current political climate?

CT: Oh, that? Well, I voted for Kamala just because I can’t stand Trump, but I’m pretty apolitical for the most part.

HT: Oh, cool! Well, it was nice to meet you, Carl! Thanks so much for taking the time to speak with us.

CT: Of course! Always good to chat with fellow fans of my favorite show.

There you have it! We had a lot more in common with Carl than we had anticipated, so much so that we actually went out and bought one of those flags to hang outside of our office. As for “Freaks and Geeks,” we may never get the justice we deserve for having such a brilliant show taken from us so soon, but at least we can find solace in our fellow countrymen and women who feel equally aggrieved in its cancellation.

Vegan Finds It Harder to Eat Carrots Once He’s Named Them

By Jeff Bender

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local vegan Chuck Miller opened up about his struggle to eat vegetables, particularly carrots, after he’s given them names and personalities, irreverent sources reported.

“So what? I give my carrots names and sometimes dress them up in little costumes with vegan marshmallow eyes and a raisin nose and bean-sprout hair glued to their temples with non-honey honey,” said Miller, a class-action attorney. “This one I like to call Dr. Crunchy. He has a PhD in Yummies from Vitamin A University. That’s an Ivy League school, by the way. And would you look at this cute little coconut-shred collar-stay I put in his lettuce-leaf shirt! Ooh, you are so cute, Dr. Crunchy! I could just eat you up! Not literally. Actually, the only thing I can ethically consume anymore is beans. Mainly because naming individual garbanzo beans would just be psychotic.”

Miller’s life partner, Emma Robinson, expressed irritation at her husband’s reluctance to eat the “very expensive” organic groceries they buy each week at their local farmer’s market.

“It makes things very difficult for us to get calories, when he’s always like, ‘No! Don’t eat that! You’re going to ruin the friendship!’ and always giving our daughter Elizabeth vegetables in ‘families’ of three that resemble us,” said Robinson. “Often Elizabeth cries when she comes home because she ate something and ruined Daddy’s little ‘world.’ I can’t live like this! When I was a kid I would eat a whole stalk of celery and feel nothing. Now I feel like a savage when I take a bite out of Todd, which is the apple Chuck named this morning.”

Celebrity vegan Travis Barker sympathized with Miller, going so far as to say that plants are “people too.”

“What have they done to harm anyone? And yet look at the way we treat them—gnashing them with our teeth, forcing them down our throats even as they scream, ‘No! No!’ and shoving them off into our undignified large intestines. Nobody deserves that—especially not my little drummer friends Fig Collins and Ringo Starr-Fruit,” said the Blink-182 drummer, holding up two pieces of dolled-up produce. “‘Protect plants’ is what I say. ‘Save the plants!’ That’s why I’ve sworn off eating altogether. It’s inhumane.”

At press time, Miller also revealed that it was much more difficult to drink water after he’s named each individual glass of it.

Popular Limited Series Comes Out as Anthology

BY Julien Perez

LOS ANGELES — “Hindenburg,” Netflix’s newest limited series about the infamous airship disaster, has come out as an anthology series. The surprise announcement comes on the heels of the hit show smashing ratings records.

“I’m incredibly excited to reveal this side of Hindenburg,” said Rami Nasser, the sole creator and showrunner. “The chains of my shame have finally been broken. I no longer have to pretend Hindenburg was just telling the story about one disaster. Don’t you worry, Hindenburg will be around for a long time.”

Following the announcement fans were quick to offer their support and encouragement.

“I’m so proud Hindenburg is out living its truth,” said Madelyn Hope Carter, a self-described anthology show activist on a recent TikTok video. “Coming out as an anthology series is not an easy thing to do in today’s social climate. Sending virtual hugs and love to the entire Hindenburg team. We hear you. We see you. We love you.”

However, not everybody was thrilled to hear the news. Hunter Maddox, a youth group minister and television critic for the website Screen & Scripture wrote a lengthy think piece denouncing the announcement.

“What a disgrace,” bemoaned Maddox. “Hindenburg told a very specific story and even named their show after said specific disaster and now we’re going to pretend that adding on the subtitle “An American Disaster” means it’s secretly been an anthology show this entire time? Why does every popular show these days feel the need to shove this lie in our faces? Oh, the humanity! This demonic trend needs to end!”

At press time, Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos wanted to make it known that he could tell “Hindenburg” was an anthology series the entire time because has a knack for that sort of thing.

Entire Generation Priced Out of Home Ownership in Next Animal Crossing

BY Nick Coffman

ANIMAL VILLAGE — Following a dip in the Stalk Market where turnip prices hit an all time low, a new generation of villagers are struggling to keep up and are now being priced out of home ownership. Realtor and entrepreneur, Tom Nook, discussed the housing crisis in a recent town hall meeting.

“The bell just doesn’t stretch as far as it used to, I’m afraid,” Nook said, prior to announcing a price increase to all Nook properties in the village. “It pains me, but I’ve had to turn away numerous new villagers. They hop off the train with their hearts full of hope and not a bell in their pockets. In my younger years, I would have loaned them some bells with a high interest rate, but now, there’s too much risk in it.  I’ve got two young raccoons back at my store who I need to be thinking about.”  

Going over his allotted time at the podium, Nook harped on about his concerns for the future.

“I’m worried about my small business,” Nook said, hat in hand and shoulders dropped, in a position he assumed would resonate with ‘the poors’. “If my realestate/furniture store/mobile phone/travel company goes under, I fear for not only the future of me and my boys, but this community as a whole. If us small business owners cannot survive, who can? That’s why I’m proposing a small, one-time loan from the Mayor’s office, to Nook Inc. For the sake of the village, of course.”

Booed away from the podium, Nook finally relinquished the mic to other villagers.

“If I can’t afford my home anymore, Nook shouldn’t get a bailout. You can’t have your cake and eat it too,” said Chops, a pig 20 years into his 30 year mortgage. 

“Maybe if he did a GoFundMe we could all chip in to help, foxtrot,” said Audie, a fox villager, whose idea was met with exasperation.

“Let’s cut his head off and see what his insides look like, stuffin’,” said Stitches, a local bear who just started wearing a Luigi hat last week.

At press time, Nook announced that he was using the money raised by his GoFundMe to purchase an entire island.