thehardtimes

Hard Digest April 13: Early Access Matchbox Twenty, Mr. Bean, Vegetables, and More

Added 2025-04-14 00:00:10 +0000 UTC

Scientists Develop Procedure Allowing Human Brain to Offload Matchbox Twenty Songs to Make Space for New Information

BALTIMORE — Top neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University developed an innovative procedure that will allow the human brain to offload Matchbox Twenty lyrics in order to make space for new information, confirmed sources.

“Getting to this place in our research is indeed monumental, but it wasn’t an issue of ‘if’ but of ‘when,’” said Dr. Marcy Gellson. “There’s been a growing need for this exact procedure for decades. A huge portion of the Millennial/Gen X populations have only been functioning at 75% brain capacity due to the chorus of ‘3AM.’ It just takes up too much space. It’s sort of like a Raw image on an iPhone. A photograph of a feline licking its anus might not look like much, but it’s crashing your storage availability. Matchbox Twenty songs are like that. We were desperate for a cure, and we got one.”

Sarah Bernabeo, the next patient who will be undergoing the procedure, opened up about her experience deciding to go under the knife.

“I know brain surgery might sound scary, but it just got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore,” said Bernabeo. “I’d be driving my car and ‘Unwell’ would come on and I’d be singing every single word. I can’t remember ever learning all the lyrics, but they’re in there somewhere. And all I could think was all the better things I could be doing with all that space! Think about it: the human mind is an incredible thing! The potential is endless! I don’t want to waste it on a B-level song from 2002. I mean, I could finally learn Bella’s monologue from the end of Eclipse. I’m so excited.”

Lucy Felland, a renowned Sociologist, recently touched on the broader implications of this procedure.

“Widescale use of this procedure could have unimaginable impacts on society,” said Felland. “Conceive of a world in which people ages 30-45 have purpose beyond meme posting. Without ‘Back 2 Good’ running through their minds, it’s possible a large portion of the adult population could find who they are as people and try to contribute to society. Of course, there are no jobs to be had, so there’s no way of knowing where this influx of ready minds will lead. For all we know, your mind could simply replace those ‘Push’ lyrics with the words to ‘Semi-Charmed Life.’ Either way, we’re at a very exciting moment in the history of humanity.”

Scientists are reportedly now looking into whether it’s possible to expand the procedure to include Rob Thomas’ collaboration with Santana and any future releases.

Real-Life Mr. Bean? This Man Just Caused a Deadly 12-Car Pileup in London

By Steve Packosky

Many of us grew up watching syndicated episodes of the British sitcom “Mr. Bean” starring Rowan Atkinson, wherein he played a largely silent, bumbling bozo who always found himself in comical situations resulting from his various eccentricities and general overall clumsiness. Whether he was stuck in an emergency room waiting area with his hand stuck in a toaster or performing a dental procedure on himself after accidentally sedating his dentist, he never failed to entertain his audience. While, sadly, the show went off the air in 1995, we may have just found Mr. Bean’s real-life counterpart!

Can you believe it?

Meet 51-year-old Robert Keenan of Enfield, England, who recently found himself narrowly escaping the path of an oncoming car as he attempted to cross Lower Thames St. in London, which forced the driver to swerve into oncoming traffic. The resulting pile-up was absolutely tragic, with 7 deaths and 3 people currently in critical care, and whole lot of gut-busting. Get this: the whole thing happened because Keenan had stopped in the middle of the crosswalk to tie his shoe!

Come on now, Robert! Didn’t you learn any lessons from your predecessor?

It seems Robert found himself in the heart of London’s financial district for a business meeting, and the poor man just couldn’t keep himself from doing something embarrassing. While this isn’t quite at the level of him placing his shoe on a parked car and hopping after it on one foot while the car drives away, we imagine he’ll get there eventually. It takes time to become a universal symbol of comedic folly, and he’s just getting started. We just have to keep an eye on him in the meantime!

What’s next for Robert? For now, we have no idea, as it seems he is pretty shaken up from his wacky London adventure and has not surfaced from his studio apartment back in Enfield for the past few days. We just want him to know that we appreciated his little nod to one of British culture’s most iconic fictional characters, even if those left dead or fighting for their lives in St. Bartholomew’s Hospital likely feel different, and we’re holding out for him to reappear (preferably in a green Austin Citron Mini with a padlock on the driver’s side door) for some more hilarious hijinks soon. We’ll just have to keep a camera crew from Channel 3 at the ready for when he inevitably finds himself in another side-splitting debacle!

Do you have any ideas for Robert’s next big adventure in the city? Sound off in the comments, and we’ll find a way to reach out to him once he’s overcome the shock and guilt of his last one!

New Study Shows Picking Lettuce and Tomato Off of Burger Closest Average American Gets to Eating a Vegetable

By The Hard Times Staff

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent Harvard report on the overall health of Americans showed that the residual moisture left behind by lettuce and tomatoes after being picked off a hamburger is the closest most citizens get to eating a vegetable.

“This wasn’t a study performed in a lab with a small sample size. We took years of data collected by staff at chain restaurants across the country who reported every time a customer left discarded vegetables on their tray. The results were far more alarming than we could have guessed. Most people you deal with on a daily basis have not eaten a leafy green in decades,” said lead researcher Dr. Suraj Patel. “Critics have said our study is flawed and that Americans lead the developed world in vegetable consumption. They claim that fry consumption should count as a vegetable and that it shouldn’t matter if it is deep fried, covered in salt, bacon bits, and cheese. We have also received pushback from some of the pizza chains who claim their tomato sauce is a great source of nutrition.”

Beck Hockson, an unknowing participant in the study, says he is perfectly healthy without vegetables.

“I’m tired of doctors telling me if I don’t start eating better my heart will explode before I turn 50. Some people operate better with high blood pressure. I get all the nutrients I need from the various ground beefs and sausages I eat on a daily basis,” said Hockson while downing multiple antacids. “I take several supplements that my favorite podcasts advertise and they claim to help with brain function and gut health. All I need now is a supplement that can thin out my urine so it’s not the viscosity of maple syrup.”

Produce buyers at major grocery retailers say the report is not a surprise.

“When we put in an order for lettuce, cucumbers, or carrots, we know that most of it is going straight into the garbage at the end of the day. We have to keep our produce section well-stocked so shoppers come in and think ‘I should try something healthy’ before they load up on potato chips and frozen chicken nuggets,” said Albertson’s Regional Manager Valerie Harrison. “And the small amount we do sell just ends up rotting in a customer’s fridge anyway. It’s a charade we all willingly participate in.”

A follow-up study from Harvard is expected to show a link between men who consider themselves “Alpha Males” and an inability to do ten pushups without passing out.