Hard Digest April 5: Early Access Background Vocals, Elliott Smith, and MAGA Christians

Guy With Self-Esteem Issues Only Sings Along to Background Vocals

By Joe Rumrill 

MACON, Ga. — Local doormat Howard Logue showcased his clear lack of self-confidence by singing only the background vocals of a recent karaoke performance, sources hanging their heads in disbelief confirmed.

“Well, I know it might be a bit confusing to anyone watching, but I’ve just always felt a lot more comfortable hanging in the wings. So, when punk rock karaoke night started up at my neighborhood bar, I went straight to the Bad Religion tracks, and let loose every few minutes along with the ‘oozin ahhs,’ y’know?” whimpered Logue, while he stood a healthy distance away. “Don’t people just come there to get wasted anyway? Why should anyone care that I can only belt the background stuff? In fact, why should anyone care about me at all, in any capacity? I, as I established earlier, suck.”

Regular barflys were baffled as to why such a wimp would take the stage at all.

“It just seemed like so much effort for so little payoff. You stand around until your name is called and then you bark a few scant ‘heys’ or ‘la la las’ in front of a load of people who are just scratching their heads. Seems like you could do that from your seat without causing the uproar it did,” said karaoke jockey Fran ‘Flakey’ Florentino. “Pretty soon we’re gonna have freaks going up there to just mime to the ride cymbal part, or just the spoken-word breakdowns or some shit. Lord help me. I’m surrounded by Andy Kaufman wannabes, over here! What a nightmare!”

Professional psychoanalyst Dr. Faye Pernick theorizes that Logue’s affliction is more widespread than initially thought.

“Many of those lacking in self-esteem or overall confidence, when given the chance, will still seek out the limelight, but just at a safe distance where they can scurry away into the shadows at the first sign of embarrassment,” said Dr. Pernick, who specializes in the treatment of “wusses and pushovers.” “This can manifest itself in activities such as driving from literally the backseat, with your hands reaching over the driver’s seat or, in this case, singing along to only the background vocals, because you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you don’t deserve the lead part. It’s a wild time to be a weakling.”

At press time, the audience revealed an even meeker man with even deeper self-esteem issues who was too bashful to “boo” Logue.

Heartbreaking: Ghost Of Elliott Smith Still Too Shy To Haunt People

By Kyle Donley

As we all know by now, heaven and hell do not exist, God is a figment of our collective imagination, and all religion is horseshit. When you die you become a ghost, simple as that. Your primary objective as a ghost? To haunt people. While there is undoubtedly a learning curve, most notably portrayed in such prophetic films as Ghost and Ghost Dad, a majority of all ghosts are able to get the hang of it after 6-8 months. But in the curious case of indie rock darling Elliott Smith, 22 years of ghostdom has produced scant results.

In his mortal form, Elliott quickly established himself as a talented singer-songwriter with a knack for sensitive, heartfelt lyrics and melodies that at times could evoke the Beatles or the Kinks. But in the afterlife, Elliott has proven to be hella weak at haunting people.

“That sensitive guy shit does not fly out here,” an anonymous spirit whispered to me in an abandoned burn ward. “Most of these singer-songwriter types struggle at first, but eventually get the hang of it. Like that dude from Sparklehorse has all these dank-ass chains now that he rattles. And Nick Drake is basically the Michael Jordan of haunting in our realm, he’s that good.”

Smit, on the other hand, has not acclimated to ghost life well at all. Being aloof and apathetic may have served as a boon for him in the ‘90s but these traits are anathema in ghost culture because ghosts are already invisible. Years of stage fright have seemingly manifested into what ghost psychologists refer to as crippling haunt-fright. Instead of joining his ghost colleagues in games of merriment and terrifying spooks, he just fingerpicks his ghost guitar all day, which is totally pointless because the strings are invisible and make no sound.

Indeed, over the past two decades, records indicate he has only been credited to a measly 1.5 haunts — a dog that he didn’t mean to scare and the bass player for Built To Spill who he kinda thought was a dick. Sadly, the Silverlake home where he stabbed himself in the chest, most ghosts’ bread and butter, remains unhaunted and reportedly houses a perfectly content Vietnamese family.

His anti-social behavior and disengagement in the ghost community has led critics to wonder if he could possibly be at risk of ghostbusting himself. The question weighs heavy on my heart but for now the truth remains — we ain’t afraid of no ghost named Elliott Smith.

MAGA Christian Reminds Himself of Core Values With “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” Bracelet

By Matt Husser 

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Self-proclaimed MAGA Christian Cullen Monroe took a moment to remind himself of his core values today with a quick glance at his “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” bracelet, sources confirmed.

“We live in a divided nation, and there are times when I lose sight of what it means to be a good MAGA-faithful Christian in today’s crazy world. But when I need a little clarity, all I have to do is look at my WWJDD bracelet and ask myself, ‘What would the man who firmly believed in the institution of slavery do?'” said Monroe, admiring his Confederate Flag Crucifix necklace. “I mean it can be hard to know how to treat all the immigrants, feminists, transgenders and DEI folks out there, but I just need to remind myself that moral guidance will come from the big man upstairs who is always looking over me: The President of the Confederacy.”

Megachurch preacher Harland Tillman was thrilled to hear that the bracelets he sold were making such an impact on his congregation at the Stonewall Community Church.

“With all the cancel culture and satanic liberal nonsense out there, it’s important to remember the source of our righteous values. Each bracelet contains five letters that deliver a reminder of a humble man who was ahead of his time, until he was unfairly crucified for his beliefs that were ultimately proven right in the eyes of history and the Lord,” said Tillman, passing out the gold-plated collection basket. “Now one of these fine WWJDD bracelets can be yours for any of my faithful congregation that donates $100 or more today to help us spread the teachings of the Master, the Worker, and the Holy States Rights.”

White House Spokesperson and former “America’s Next Top Militia” host Gunther Solomon announced that President Trump mandated that WWJDD bracelets would become standard attire for all government employees.

“The President has declared upon high that the WWJDD bracelets represent our nation’s traditional Christian values, and has decided to make a $400 million investment to outfit every civil servant in America,” said Solomon. “Elon Musk’s DOGE department has assured that they’ll be able to find that money by shuttering wasteful SNAP and Medicaid programs utilized by the nation’s underclass of freeloading poors.”

At press time, President Trump reportedly signed an executive order adding the Ten Commandments to every public school classroom, with a proposed Eleventh Commandment that stated, “Thou Shalt Not Forget the South Will Rise Again.”