Hard Digest March 23: Early Access Jocks, Rod Stewart, ICE, and More

Jock Who Beat the Crap Out of You in High School Suddenly World’s Foremost Expert on What Being “Punk” Actually Means

By The Hard Times Staff

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Your former high school bully, and current Washington State Trooper Adam Wisk, surprised veteran members of the scene by insisting he knows the true definition of punk, sources actively blocking him on social media confirmed.

“I don’t like punk music. I never have and I never will. But those so-called punks are a bunch of posers anyway. We get it, you reject authority, it’s the same old story. Actual punk rockers reject the rules of punk and embrace law and order,” said Officer Wisk. “Being a cop is basically the most punk thing anyone can do at this point. I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and if anyone gives me any crap I get a few of my buddies and we beat them down in the streets. I can’t think of anything more punk than that.”

You had a different read on the situation.

“I really don’t know why so many middle-aged men suddenly think they hold the truth to what ‘Punk’ is all about. It’s all the same story, they are mad because they can’t use homophobic slurs in public anymore and they think it’s ‘Sticking it to the man’ to be an insufferable asshole,” you said while organizing a mutual aid event for unhoused neighbors. “And I’m not sure why it’s always a guy in a backwards hat, sunglasses, plaid shorts, and sandals that seems to have the strongest opinions of what it means to be a punk. Go live your life, try having a conversation with one of your kids before they hate you as much as I do.”

Cultural anthropologist Lindsey Savoy believes the battle of the definition of punk is just beginning.

“We first heard people claim that being conservative is the new punk rock during the first Trump run for presidency. These were mainly people who seemed to have low level brain damage and a complete inability to draw logical conclusions, but their message started to gain traction,” said Savoy. “Now there is a new generation of homophobic, xenophobic, and nationalistic musicians who built on that conservative premise of punk and want to be the next Skrewdriver, but not in an ironic sort of way, they are legitimately proud of being ignorant pieces of trash.”

At press time, you were actively trying to avoid an argument with an old roommate where they claimed being vegan actually kills more animals than a carnivore diet.

Heartwarming: LA County Sperm Bank Confirms the Gallon of Semen Pumped From Rod Stewart’s Stomach in the ’80s Has Been Used to Father Over 50 Children!

By Kyle Donley 

31-year old Rancho Cucamonga native Lee Vitrano is the picture of perfect health — a triathlon athlete, personal trainer, and wellness coach whose penchant for fitness may only be outmatched by his community outreach. It might surprise you then to learn that Lee would not be standing here today if rock ‘n’ roll legend Rod Stewart had not blown a small platoon of sailors in the Fall of 1982. But as Lee tells it, “Some guys have all the luck.”

The lurid events of that fateful night have been whispered among schoolyards for decades, new details seemingly emerging with each retelling (Was he really wearing a captain’s hat?) But what we know for certain is that Rod Stewart sucked off an indeterminate amount of seamen, swallowed the seamen’s semen, got a tummy ache, and when all was said and done, local paramedics had extracted exactly one gallon of jizz from his stomach.

However, what often gets overlooked in this urban legend is the most miraculous aspect of it all. For that gallon of semen was promptly donated to an LA County sperm bank where it has gone on to spawn over 50, and counting, beautiful, healthy babies!

Back in 2015, Vitrano started a Facebook group to locate others who may have been propagated from this same spermous goulash and was shocked to find an entire community desperate to connect. They call themselves “Belly Buddies” and while they may not be biologically related in the traditional sense, these brothers and sisters are intrinsically linked by a 90-minute joyride in the digestive tract of British rock royalty.

This Summer will mark the 10th Annual “Belly Buddy Meet-Up” at Kellogg Park, where Belly Buddies young and old gather for a family reunion of sorts to catch-up, grill hot dogs, and compete in the annual cornhole tournament. Organized by Vitrano, the event earned enough word of mouth to even attract the Godfather of Rasp himself, Rod Stewart.

Known in the community as “Uncle Rod”, the ever-graceful Stewart has taken time out of his busy crooning schedule to attend the previous four meet-ups, delighting his belly offspring with countless selfies, meaningful life advice, and even an impromptu sing-along of “D’ya Think I’m Sexy”.

When asked about his involvement, Rod was eager to set the record straight once and for all. “I’ve never denied the claims. The real hoax was the story about how this was all a hoax. Truth is, we were all drinking insane amounts of semen back then. Jagger and Bowie could really put ‘em back. That night my weak stomach got the better of me and I unfortunately have never been able to live it down.”

ICE Agent Ordered to Take Mandatory Callousness Training After Giving Water to Imprisoned Immigrants

By Ben Friedman 

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — ICE officer Brendan Williams was disciplined and forced to undergo mandatory callousness training after being caught giving water to a detained immigrant, the agency has confirmed.

“I figured since we’re ripping these people out of their homes and communities indefinitely, they were supposed to be kept hydrated while being held! But I found out the hard way handing out water bottles was creating a hostile work environment for my peers, and now I’m stuck doing hours of training modules and videos about closing my heart off to people seeking a better life,” said Williams. “Honestly, after the third video I started questioning if violating human rights was really making our country safer, but my HR lead says the best way to be a team player is showing up to work with a good attitude and no moral compass.”

Williams’ supervisor stood by the decision to enact an extensive retraining session.

“Brendan’s actions had severely negative consequences, primarily creating an environment where fellow agents remember the Geneva Convention says prisoners can have food and water. Brendan’s mandatory retraining will help remind him that any display of humanity towards undocumented migrants is tantamount to treason,” said field office head Richard Sterns. “The training is pretty straightforward. After four hours straight of Newsmax clips, Brendan will be presented with a cup of water and asked if he should share it with a dehydrated detainee or pour it on the ground and laugh. I do have high hopes we can get him back on track.”

Some former immigration officers said the agency has lost sight of its mission.

“I joined up thinking we were going to be stopping drug runners and terrorists, and for a while there it seemed like what we were doing was justified. But the higher-ups started implementing this new callousness training because a few of us spoke up about the whole kids in cages thing. I kept getting reported to HR for giving them blankets, so I finally told them to fuck off,” said Sarah Hendricks. “I heard it’s even worse now. If they catch you ensuring detainees’ zip ties aren’t overtightened or you gave them a bucket to piss in, it’s an automatic write up and you have to write an apology letter to Tom Homan.”

As of press time, Williams was forced to attend extended training after giving a migrant half of a sandwich he was about to throw away.

More From The Hard Times:

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Hoping Our Student Loans Have Also Been Dismantled

George Foreman’s Casket Angled to Reduce Fat

BY Kyle Duggan 

HOUSTON — Late boxer and entrepreneur George Foreman’s casket will be tilted to allow rendered fat to drain out of the bottom and into a separate tray, sources confirm.

“This is an option we offer to our more health-conscious decedents,” said Barry Carroll, funeral home director. “The patented fat-burning technology allows our patrons to experience a leaner afterlife without losing any of that heavenly flavor. You simply close the lid, and the casket does all the work. It couldn’t be any simpler.”

Employees at Carroll’s funeral home noted that there were downsides to the unique casket.

“Oh God, cleaning that thing is a nightmare,” said Tracy Leary, who has worked at Carroll Funeral Home for six years. “Some of the older models let you take the lining off of the top and bottom of the coffin, which makes it a little easier. Still, it never really fits into the sink, no matter how you twist it. It’s also non-stick, so you’re not supposed to use the rough side of the sponge, but the soft side doesn’t do anything. To be honest, I usually tell myself that I’m going to clean it the next morning, and by the time I would’ve gotten around to it, they’ve already buried the stiff. It’s a win-win.”

Christina Holmes, a funeral industry analyst, criticized the Foreman casket.

“None of the supposed benefits of this method of interment have been proven,” said Holmes. “I don’t know where this myth started that fat is unhealthy for you after you die, but from a scientific standpoint, it doesn’t seem like there’s any truth to it. By removing an inordinate amount of fat, you’re really just making an extra-dry corpse, not a healthy corpse. That doesn’t sound like paradise to me.”

At press time, patrons at Foreman’s funeral were seen arguing about whether or not the service should take longer after the “warm-up” light on his coffin came back on.