Hard Digest March 17: Trump and Putin, Early Access Math Rock, Pizza Hut, Elon, and More

Trump to Meet with Putin for His 90-Day Review

By Ben Friedman 

WASHINGTON — Donald Trump announced that he would be meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss a number of international policies for his 90-day foreign asset probationary review, the White House has confirmed.

“We’re going to have a great conversation, a perfect conversation. Some are already saying it’s going to be the best two guys talking and the history books will remember it as amazing. I know Putin is going to love how I’ve convinced so many Americans to love Russia. Because Russia used to be the bad guys, but now they are the good guys and Canada are the bad guys. I know he was very proud when the Vice President and I lectured Zelenskyy at the White House, that was a beatdown, and when I halted sending weapons to those pesky Ukrainians I certainly set myself up for being his top guy,” said Trump while in route from Mar-a-Lago to Washington for the ninth time this week. “Putin was very specific about the job requirements this time around, that I needed to deliver more wins for Russia than my last term. He said ‘we’ll push you out of a window, we’ll poison your Big Macs’. But here I am with two feet on the ground in the best of health so I must be doing a terrific job. As soon as I can hand Crimea to Russia he said we can start building casinos and he’ll start contributing to my HSA. The winning will never end!”

As of press time, Kremlin officials stated if the review goes well, going forward Trump will report directly to Elon Musk regarding his progress in upending the stability of Western civilization.

Five English Majors Form Remedial Math Rock Band

By Amy Ash 

SAN DIEGO — A local group of five CSU San Marcos English majors formed a remedial math rock band to bone up on their algebra skills, confirmed sources.

“We knew bit off more than we could chew when we all barely passed Trigonometry 101, so we formed Alpha Asphalt,” said bassist and creative writing minor Mike Singh. “Complex and unusual time signatures are a major hurdle for us. Steve Albini had a journalism degree and he crushed it in this genre so I figured we’d be OK. Turns out you have to be a goddamn ‘Good Will Hunting’ to do this shit. You think Albini ever punched ‘13/8’ into a calculator to try and make sense of it, only to get more scared and confused when ‘1.625’ popped up? Hell no, but that was my Saturday night.”

Friend of the band Kate Flores admires the musicians’ commitment and lofty goals but admits it’s been painful to watch them contend with numbers higher than four.

“It’s not easy to witness five adults angrily counting on their fingers,” Flores said. “When they practice it feels like they’re all taking a math test while somebody else yells out random numbers to mess them up, and whenever one of them goes out ‘for a smoke’ I know they’re crying. They’ve tried to hire a tutor to help improve their chops but couldn’t get anyone from Slint. At some point, they’ll probably realize that they should switch to being an advanced level indie band. We all know English majors thrive at making indie music.”

Rachel Radner, whose unlikely rise to stardom in the AP math rock band Shin Splint included no formal calculus training, believes these young musicians are not alone in their struggle.

“A lot of people think atypical structures mean playing math rock is totally freewheelin’,” said Radner. “In reality, it requires intense focus and it may not be for the faint of heart, or for most people with Emily Dickinson tattoos. It takes a lot of studying and midnight cram sessions to write an album as good as American Football. You simply can’t get good at this genre if you’re reading Shakespeare and writing essays about deconstructing post-modernism.”

At press time, the band devised a fallback option to just call it noise rock if remedial math rock doesn’t work out.

Opinion: This Can’t Be the Country I Grew up In, Because There Used To Be Way More Pizza Huts

By Ben Friedman

Not to sound like a bitter old man but things truly were better back in the halcyon days of the 90’s, rose colored glasses be damned. That’s when I remember America being great, when my frontal lobe wasn’t fully developed and the world wasn’t backward like a stuffed-crust pizza.

Something has changed, and definitely for the worse. I look around and no longer see the country I was born and raised in because I could swear there used to be way more Pizza Huts around.

You might think it’s a weird metric to measure how far down the USA has been flushed down the shitter, but the last time the federal government had a consistent surplus, Mr. Pizza Head was on our TV’s every other commercial break. Coincidence? I think not!

There’s no hiding the fact that our rights have slowly been eroding for decades, culminating in the country collapsing in on itself like a dying star. Many people will blame the ruling class, I blame the dipshit at Yum! Brands who thought it would be a good idea to ditch Pizza Hut’s iconic roofs and make them look like banks. If you want to know where America’s soul went, it died when fast casual pizza joints stopped looking like they were wearing wide brim hats.

It was not too long ago that you’d have family-friendly chain pizza restaurants in every town with aesthetics reminiscent of a 1980’s basement. And they were endorsed by the Ninja Turtles for God’s sake! You couldn’t get a better stamp of approval than that, especially since I thought they were real until I was eight years old.

This has the deep state’s greasy fingers all over it. Just follow the breadcrumbs: Bush passes “No Child Left Behind”, literacy rates plummet, the “Book It!” program gets scrapped so then nobody is getting personal pan pizzas, and next thing we know Pizza Huts start disappearing and media literacy is extinct. Checkmate, America.

Was the Hut out-pizza’d overnight, or were we just not paying attention? I always knew the unchecked proliferation of Papa John’s and Murphy’s would lead our nation astray. They’re not my real (pizza) dad!

Well, it was nice while it lasted. At least I have the memories and these Land Before Time hand puppets to remind me that at one point, life made sense.

Report: Statistically Elon 3-4 Children Away From Having One Who Actually Loves Him

By Reece Napierski

BOSTON — Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology determined that billionaire and father of 13 Elon Musk is statistically three to four children away from having one who actually loves him.

“Love and the likelihood of its occurrence is a difficult thing to quantify,” said lead researcher Patricia Turkington, PhD. “But we’re all pretty convinced that after siring a few more children or so, one of them is bound to at least tolerate Elon. And our computer models suggest that, from said tolerance, a vaguely positive feeling of affinity that could generously be classified as affection bordering on love could hypothetically follow. And if that number isn’t correct then unfortunately science has failed us.”

Musk’s son Kai seemed to develop a distaste for his father.

“I think it would help if he would stop naming his kids after Steam product keys and making verifiably untrue claims like he invented the baking soda volcano,” said the young Musk. “One time he asked if I wanted to have a catch. I agreed, so he arranged to have one of his companies build a robot that can do that. He never even taught me how to drive. He just sat me down in one of his self-driving vehicles and said I’d get the gist. He’s so weird.”

Musk characterized MIT’s study as baseless and deeply hurtful.

“I have an incredible relationship with all of my many children with the exception of a few bad eggs, who I might add have the physiognomy of hysterical tavern maidens,” said Musk. “I should remind MIT, the media, and my children, some of which I can’t remember their names right now, that I am not only super rich, a world-class gamer, inventor, magician, and great in bed, but I am also one of the top fathers worldwide. I implore any ‘skeptics’ to check the leaderboards on TopDads.X.Com. I dominate the North American region, spending more than 1,000 dad-hours this month alone on fathering and accruing over 1.5 million pop-pop tokens in the process. These are the indisputable facts that confirm I am an exceptional father.”

At press time, researchers also concluded that Musk was five or six more baby mamas away from one that can actually stand to be around him.

Gavin Newsom Interviews Mecha Hitler in Latest Episode of His Podcast

BY Johnny Amizich 

FAIR OAKS, Calif. — California governor Gavin Newsom hosted Mecha Hitler on the latest episode of his “This is Gavin Newsom” podcast. 

The California governor’s new show has featured several conservative personalities including Charlie Kirk and Steve Bannon, but this is the first time Governor Newsom has spoken to someone of the mechanical Fuhrer’s stature. 

“We won’t get anywhere as a nation if we don’t engage with people we might disagree with,” Gov. Newsom said in response to critics. “I’m willing to listen to and agree with any talking points I think may help my political ambitions, up to and including opinions espoused by Mecha Hitler. Who really isn’t such a bad guy once you get to know him.”

The Californian governor has been accused of betraying the trans community and legitimizing right wing extremists, and that by engaging with them he is either being incredibly naive or acting out of a sense of self preservation in the wake of a second Trump Administration. Gov. Newsom doesn’t see it that way though, as he elaborated on during his interview with Mecha Hitler. An excerpt of the interview can be read below.

“A lot of people are upset I’m even speaking with you,” Gov. Newsom told the Fuhrer. “Just because we’re talking. Can you believe that?”

“Nein,” Mecha Hitler replied. “Ze so called ‘tolerant left’ in your country vould be ze first ones I sent to ze camps.”

“I wholeheartedly agree! If we want to succeed as a nation it means talking to if not fully embracing our political adversaries and adopting whichever of their views my consultants tell me will be most beneficial in the next general election. Even if it means—yes—exterminating every trans person. When your group only makes up .6% of the populace you are expendable: Simple as that. And .6%, that’s a drop in the bucket compared to Real Americans. Would you agree, mein Fuhrer?”

“Ja, the transgender menace must be eliminated, along vith the Juden.”

“While I’m hesitant to say all Jews should be exterminated, I do think we could find some middle ground with those who don’t support Israel and their right to defend itself. Hell, I’ll line them against the wall myself if it means a shot at the Oval Office.”

“On zis, we agree.” Mecha Hitler concluded.

Hakeem Jeffries and other top Democrats were reached for comment but were preoccupied doing nothing in particular.

At press time, Gavin Newsom had announced his next guest would be the ghost of Henry Kissinger.