Hard Digest February 17: Early Acess Tool, Counting Crows, Noise, and More

Jehovah’s Witness and Tool Fan Spend All Night Trying to Convert Each Other

By Tyler Roland 

JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources verified.

“So this weirdo shows up at my house, right as I’m writing this overdue community college assignment about Maynard James Keenan’s masterful use of metaphor in ‘The Pot,’” Schmidt explained. “The guy’s trying to get me to see the light, but let’s just say my light shone a little brighter. I decided to invite this Jehovah fella in and introduce him to the magic of Tool. Also because I haven’t spoken to another human being in weeks. I know most people hear Tool, but do they listen to Tool? After our four-hour conversation and several consecutive listens to ‘Stinkfist,’ I’m still not sure he understood the teachings of ‘Ænima.’”

Standish, for his part, was equally alienated by the man who recently spent half of his life savings on a ticket to the band’s upcoming “Tool In the Sand” festival.

“We never get people giving us the time of day, so this was a welcome change of pace,” Standish began. “But as soon as I presented a copy of ‘The Watchtower Announcing Jehovah’s Kingdom,’ he shoved a ‘Lateralus’ CD in my face. This seemed blasphemous! Yet Don was the only one in his zip code that didn’t slam the door in my face or point a shotgun at me before I could get a word out. Finally, I was able to tell someone about our sect, albeit in exchange for a 45-minute rant on something called ‘Schism.’”

Anthropologist Walter Whittier sees this moment as a dramatic breakthrough in his studies.

“In my experience, the Dead – that is, the Grateful Dead – were the only band to have a cultural currency as befitting ‘anthropology of religion,’ as opposed to mere ethnomusicology,” Whittier elaborated. “Now, it seems we have a new discovery: that the most devout Tool fans are as invasive as Jehovah’s Witnesses. An incredible revelation. That’s almost like the time a Scientologist and a Radiohead fan accidentally spent all day attempting to convert each other.”

At press time, Standish and Schmidt were witnessed politely leaving one another after the whole night, vowing never to dig into the other’s preachings again.

Oh, You Like Counting Crows? When Was the Last Time You Danced the Silence Down Through the Morning?

By Jeff Bender 

Hey, man, I overheard you say you like “The” Counting Crows—not their name, but whatever. I happen to be a fan of that band myself. I see we’re even wearing the same “This Desert Life” beanie. Are you wearing it ironically, too? No, you’re probably dead-ass in love with that album. Go ahead, sing the second verse of “Mrs. Potter’s.” I don’t care if there are nine people at this party. And hey, just curious, when was the last time you danced the silence down through the morning?

“Nineteen ninety-FOUR”?! Are you serious? For me, it was yesterday, when I celebrated the 32½ birthday of “August and Everything After.” Yeah, I got up, threw on my baja, and ran through a field of grain and heather. Then, on my way back, between the rain, I sort of danced the silence down through the—well, I say “morning,” but really it was three o’clock.

I spent the rest of the day slugging from a bottle named “Maria” and staying at home with my disease. At some point I grabbed a gray guitar, stared into the future, and wished I was beautiful. But that’s just me—a real fan.

What do you say we turn our ticket in and slouch at a bar to stare at the beautiful women? “No”? You wouldn’t. Oh, you have “kids”? Man, that is so un-Duritz. They’re called “children,” by the way. Why would you have children? Duritz doesn’t have children.

Are you even white? Do you even have dreads? What’s the best music video featuring Courtney Cox? You better not say “Dancing in the Dark.”

I don’t mean to come on strong, man, I guess I’m just in one of my moods. It’s the pain, yeah? I stepped out the bathroom like a ghost and looked across a crowded room and saw you and thought maybe I was close to understanding Jesus. Well, I guess I’M the one who’s misunderstood. You’re just another poser-ass “fan” who doesn’t even wanna help me believe in anything. Sha-la-la-la-la, I guess. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But hey man, while we’re here, you know, let’s see you do it. Go on. “Dance the silence down through the morning.” I’ll count you in.

Shit, that’s actually not bad.

Aging Noise Artist Remembers a Time When You Could Pull Your Penis Out at a Show and Everyone Wouldn’t Get All Weird About It

By Reuben Blanchard 

BOSTON — Local 46-year-old musician Tim Reddy of the seminal one-person noise/grind collective 5CrpseFckPrty complained that you could no longer whip out your schlong on stage without making everyone feel weird nowadays, confirmed sources who were really hoping he wasn’t about to test that theory.

“Noise as a genre is supposed to make everyone in the room uncomfortable except me,” said Reddy while trimming his pubic hair. “What are we saying? That if I rub my bare genitals on an audience member without their consent, that’s not ok? Evidently, that’s now just called assault. What the fuck happened to the scene? As an artist, I should be able to jam an entire microphone up my asshole. After all, these people didn’t pay seven bucks to see me keep my underwear on the whole time. The whole point of noise and sound art is to express myself through my junk.”

Shannon Mallory, a member of the audience at 5CrpseFckPrty’s impromptu show, said she supports the arts but thought Reddy’s feelings were slightly misguided.

“Well, I agree that punk used to be actually dangerous and now it’s the soundtrack to Broadway musicals and winning Grammys,” said Mallory. “And yes, I do think our society’s overall prude-ness around nudity is silly and puritanical. But while I don’t really like to judge other people’s art, this is a 2:30 pm showing of ‘Wicked.’ So I’m not really sure what he was doing here, or why he had his dick out.”

Stella Chan, professor of art history at Boston College Stella, said that Reddy’s complaint points to larger and more unknowable queries orbiting punk and art spaces in general.

“The question of ‘what is art?’ is a nebulous one,” said Chan. “It begs the asker to think beyond the everyday occurrence of beauty and ugliness, life and death, and in the end, often presents more questions itself than producing anything remotely resembling an answer. That said, a solid 80% of noise artists are pretty much just flashers, and Tim is definitely one of those folks. Do not book this man for your birthdays, weddings, or graduation parties.”

At press time, Reddy also complained that you can no longer take a dump on stage during your set without the venue janitor having an absolute fit anymore.

“Gamers’ Rights” Convention Panel Immediately Devolves Into Fiery Defense of Lolicon

BY Johnny Amizich 

BISMARK, N.D. — A panel titled “Go Woke, I’ll Fucking Kill You” that took place at the first annual “Gamers’ Rights” convention at the Bismark Airport Drury Inn conference center broke out into the most public display of lolicon defense in recorded history.

“This was staged by wokie agitators,” said event organizer Derek Fleegan, known as “Buck Chudley” on YouTube and X. “We came here to peacefully discuss why people who force woke ideas into games should be killed. That’s it. Video games are supposed to be fun, not make you think about stuff. Especially not stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable or like maybe there are things about yourself that you are too emotionally fragile to contend with, and if I ever were to accept myself for who I was, I might actually have a shot at being happy…but as I was saying, once that rabble-rouser disrupted the panel I had no choice but to defend the arts.”

The rabble-rouser was Danielle Cooper, the lone female attendant of the convention who shared her experience online. 

“The person sitting next to me asked if I was a fan of a certain anime I won’t name, and I told them I thought it was a little creepy ‘cause of how young the characters look and how they might be just a little sexualized,” Cooper said. “He stood up so fast it knocked his chair down and he shouted, ‘She said lolicon is creepy!’. Then Buck Chudley pulled a megaphone out from under the table, started shouting, and ordered the audience to throw their body pillows at me which they did without question. Some of them were full of Beyblades. I had to get eight stitches on my head.”

Hayden Brayden-Jayden, the attendee who alerted the others to Ms. Cooper’s comment, spoke in defense of his actions.

“Once again, feminism has stooped to a new low by planting a mole among our numbers,” Brayden-Jayden said. “As if anyone worth their salt would believe for an instant a woman who might be interested in defending games would come here. Real Gamer Girls know it would be unwise for one of the fairer sex to be exposed to such concentrated levels of Alpha Gamer, and thus the only logical conclusion is the one who did have the misguided notion to ingratiate herself with us would have to be a mole. There’s no other logical explanation. She was wrong though—about the lolicon. These liberals love to defend art when it’s something queer like a book, but when it comes to real art then suddenly censorship is justified. My philosophy is: If I can’t goon to it, I’m not interested.”

At press time, Buck Chudley had uploaded ten separate videos explaining how none of this was his fault and that next year’s convention would take place in another city as all attendees had been permanently banned from the city of Bismark.

Hyrule Citizens Petition to Fence Off Chasm After Third Child Plummets Into the Depths

BY Steve Packosky 

HYRULE — Concerned Kakariko Village parents began to petition city officials to fence off a local chasm when a third child plummeted into the Depths after wandering into it, sources report.

“How many more of our children have to die before the Hylians who’ve sworn to protect us do something about it?” resident Saphie told reporters. “The people of West Necluda are perpetually in a state of mourning because that infernal chasm has claimed three of our babies, and what is that supposed hero Link doing? Last I heard he was out in Central Hyrule running over Bokoblins in poorly-built, Zonaite-fueled vehicles that he fashioned together. Our next best option is to plead with our public officials to build a fence and prevent more deaths.”

Kirru, a local merchant, agreed with Saphie.

“Yeah, this town just isn’t as safe as it used to be,” Kirru reflected “It used to be that you could venture out of town at any time, but ever since the Upheaval, you’re liable to come across one of those huge chasms or, even worse, a horde of murderous Lizalfos. I’m always warning the children around here to stay away from that chasm, but you know how they are. Telling them not to do something just fuels their desire to do it, and now Kakariko Village has three dead kids on its hands. We’ve just got to build that fence.”

West Necluda Head of Public Works Fildi weighed in on the situation.

“Listen, I commiserate with these poor parents. I really do,” Fildi said. “It’s just that revenue in this part of Hyrule has skyrocketed ever since that chasm opened the door to the puffshroom trade, and fencing it off might negatively impact our routes to the Depths. King Ganondorf has imposed some very strict fealty taxes throughout Hyrule, and we need to make up that lost money somehow. I’m not saying the deaths of those children is a fair tradeoff, but the town has never been in a better place financially.”

At press time, Fildi compromised with the parents by giving each child in Kakariko Village a paraglider.