Hard Digest October 28: Early Access Sexy Cops, Freak On a Leash, King Diamond, and More

Conservative at Halloween Party Thinks Regular Cops Already Pretty Sexy

By Peter Ferrarese 

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy cops that they’d be even hotter in regular, less revealing uniforms, sources who didn’t agree with that sentiment confirmed.

“What’s the big issue? I mean, those brave men and women are out there serving our communities every day – issuing parking tickets, getting weed off our streets, keeping neighborhoods like this one safe – there’s absolutely nothing more titillating than that,” Dyker stated. “You don’t need to make cops sexy when they already are. It’s about respect, really. Plus, I mean, being covered head to toe in navy cloth and wearing hats that seem like a light gust of wind will blow them off their heads. Now, that is sultry.”

Maddie Birch, one of the women who was approached, found the experience with him rather odd and disturbing.

“It was really weird,” said Birch. “First of all, the guy was dressed as…like, some anime dude with spiky blonde hair? I have no idea. Then he sized me up, looking up and down and shaking his head before telling us he was disappointed that women these days just don’t know what men want. He kept saying my costume needed a military-grade bulletproof vest and that cops don’t really wear three-inch shorts in real life. This was the sign that this man was to be avoided for the rest of the evening.

Political analyst and news columnist Adrian Prost offered his thoughts.

“It is pretty fascinating seeing them in the wild like this. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk as if they’re wild animals, but I mean…kinda close, right?” Prost said. “Don’t you think it’s weird that in one breath they’ll say they hate authority and big government, but then they can’t get sexually aroused unless they imagine a cop murdering an unarmed civilian during a routine traffic stop? It seems a little contradictory, if you ask me. And if you ever get a load of their browser history, they’re always searching for fully clothed police officers on porn websites.”

At press time, Dyker was seen with a raging erection as he and other guests were escorted from the premises by police following noise complaints.

Five Ancient Otherworldly Entities We Accidentally Summoned While Learning the Scat-Singing Part of “Freak on a Leash”

By Steve Packosky 

After years of denial, we at The Hard Times finally opened up and were honest with ourselves about our proclivity for nu-metal. As such, we could unashamedly don the Tripp pants, XXL Coal Chamber shirts, and wallet chains we’d kept in our closets for the past two decades. Words cannot express how liberating this felt, so we decided to let it ride and learn how to sing like some of our favorite musicians, and who better to start with than Jonathan Davis, the lead singer of nu-metal stalwarts Korn? Unfortunately, our first practice session did not go quite as we had planned, and, while learning the scat-singing part of “Freak on a Leash,” we ended up uttering several ancient incantations by mistake that welcomed some pretty horrific beings from other realms onto our planet. We’re ready to own this and intend this article as a warning to humankind, or as a last vestige for future societies to discover amidst the ruins for which we’ll have been entirely responsible. Truly, our bad. Here are five of the otherworldly entities we accidentally summoned:

Yon-Vabbureth

An unfathomably wretched and loathsome sight to behold, Yon-Vabbureth was awakened from eons of slumber by our singing. It stood roughly the size of an oak barrel and was largely protoplasmic in nature. Covered in jelly-like orbs that were either eyes or pustules (we had no intention of getting close enough to find out which,) it moved about in a viscous manner that was awful and unsettling to watch. We found ourselves frozen and nauseated each time one of the eyes/pustules was pointed in our direction, but luckily Yon-Vabbureth seemed bored with us and slid out of our offices not long after being summoned. We have no idea where it went or what kind of damage it has since caused, so if you hear something you’ll know where to point the finger.

Sanctum Fiend

Of all the entities we accidentally summoned, Sanctum Fiend definitely seemed the most pissed off about being taken from whatever horrid realm it had been inhabiting. It was a many-tentacled being about waist-high, and it scurried around in a frantic and agitated manner. We managed to lock it in the bathroom and told our intern Brandon to go in and check on it. He put up a fight, but ultimately agreed after we threatened to fire him. Apparently, Sanctum Fiend had calmed down and used one of its tentacles to summon Brandon to its location on the wall by the hand dryer. Brandon was transfixed by the motion and couldn’t resist, and the foul thing ended up striking him blind with a single touch from the tentacle. Better Brandon than us, we guess.

Oq the Colossal

Contrary to what you might think after reading its name, Oq is normally sized, bipedal in motion, and fairly nondescript in overall physical appearance. However, one look upon its flesh sent us on a wretched journey into the infinity of our own thoughts, which conjured a terror so immense that we’re fairly certain we will never recover. It just stood there and looked at us as we clasped our heads in our hands and uttered bloodcurdling shrieks that did nothing to express the eldritch horror we were experiencing within what remained of our own minds. It may be too late to warn you, but if you come across Oq we wholly recommend running as fast as you can in the opposite direction, lest the exposure to the Stygian depths of your own consciousness reduce you to the same piteous wretch he made of us.

Hi’xivof of the Ild

Now, Hi’xivof of the Ild really was immense in size; a being so titanic that one’s own grip on reality is completely staggered by a simple glance in its direction. We just didn’t have a frame of reference for a being of this magnitude, and again our minds were transformed into soup when we accidentally summoned it. Luckily, it’s so unbelievably gargantuan that it actually seems functionally useless, and aside from completely destroying the building that houses our offices through the sheer act of being conjured into existence, it doesn’t appear capable of doing much damage. While our landlord is definitely pissed, that seems like small potatoes compared to what the fifth entity may subject us to.

NONBEING

Ok, this one seems like it’s going to create the most problems. We don’t think there exists words in the English language, or even concepts in the human mind, that can describe what NONBEING is (or, uh, isn’t.) It’s definitely not good, or is it good? Or is it both at the same time? Or neither at the same time? Fuck, we don’t know. Or do we? Jesus Christ, this is a fucking catastrophe (or is it a miracle?) We’d better call it quits on this article and run to/from the nearest/farthest safe/dangerous zone. Come to think of it, have we already done or not done that? Or did we do nothing, which is actually everything? FUCK.

We’re going to take these as indications that nu-metal vocals just aren’t for us, and maybe try our hands at death metal vocals. Hopefully these Morbid Angel lyrics are less likely to summon some cross-dimensional nightmare creatures.

Séance at Halloween Party Summons a Perfectly Alive King Diamond

By Chris Bowen 

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Guests at a local Halloween party were struck with fear and confusion recently when a light-hearted séance conjured up the very much alive heavy metal legend King Diamond, several corpse paint-wearing sources report.

“We were all having a fun time and then some joker busted out the Ouija board to connect with the afterlife. I figured I’d try to contact my grandma who had passed away a few years back, since I knew her spirit would liven up the place,” partygoer Karen Shelly explained. “Sadly, all we managed to do was summon this guy with a high-pitched voice in facepaint who just kept yelling ‘GRANNDMAAA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!’ It definitely was frightening, especially because he just barged into the front door holding an upside-down crucifix made of bones of some sort. But it wasn’t like, ‘seen a ghost’ frightening. I was more ‘do I call the cops for this dude breaking and entering’ scared. Now I know why that stupid Ouija board was two bucks at Goodwill.”

King Diamond claims that his recent summoning wasn’t just an isolated incident.

“This happens to me like 60 times a year, no lie. I get kids messing around with evil, dark forces they cannot begin to comprehend who zap me into their dorm rooms or whatever out of nowhere, interrupting very important rituals,” Diamond stated. “This group of nogoodniks are just lucky I wasn’t in the middle of my daily frowning practice, or shopping for a new menacing top hat, or else there would’ve been hell to pay. And I mean ‘hell’ not in the good sort of way!”

Metal expert Dwayne Kulas revealed summoning metal musicians is actually quite common.

“Weird stuff happens in metal, for sure. Black metal murders, the existence of the band Enuff Z’nuff, and Celtic Frost’s ‘Cold Lake’ are just a few examples,” Kulas said. “But the weirdest thing for my money is just how many metal musicians can be summoned out of the blue so easily. I mean, you say ‘Ummm’ four times in a mirror and POOF, there’s Lars Ulrich ready to slap you with a cease and desist letter! That’s not only too easy to stumble upon unknowingly, but it’s also just plain scary.”

At press time, Diamond asked to be re-summoned by Shelly in order to pick up his fingerless gloves he accidentally left in her dorm.

More From The Hard Times:

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Opinion: This Controller Is Broken UPDATE: Yeah, This One Is Broken, Too

BY Brendan Hanney 

Look, I hate to be that guy, but I definitely got a broken controller. I totally understand, I have some broken controllers myself. I’m like, the best player out of all of my friends. I even almost won a local tournament once. I just don’t think it’s really fair that I’m the one who gets the broken controller. Not that it’s hurting me that bad. I mean, I almost won even with the huge nerf to my power level. I know you’re all probably afraid, but I think I should get a working controller.

Oh yeah this one is definitely broken too. I totally didn’t push that. They really just don’t make them like they used to, do they? These lazy companies and their cheap hardware, am I right? I think there’s just a lot of stick drift. The trigger feels a little worn out too, not a whole lot of resistance there. If you have another controller I think I’d do much better. 

Brand new? Wow, so that’s it huh? They’re selling defective controllers to people straight out of the box. You know it is unbelievable what they can get away with these days! I think you should buy third-party next time. I’m just so used to a custom controller, it’s hard to go back to a regular one. No worries though, not everyone takes the game as seriously as me. 

Alright, something is really wrong here. I simply do not lose this badly. Everyone has off days, but even on my off days, it is nothing like this. There has to be external forces working against me. Something fishy is going on, and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. What kind of TV do you have? The refresh rate might be too low, I think I’m playing too fast and it’s laggy. This never happens to me any other time. I would usually be destroying you guys.

Did the game get patched? My character probably got nerfed and that’s why. Actually, and I don’t say this lightly, I think you might be cheating.

ChatGPT Pulls All-Nighter to Study for Turing Test

BY Mac McCarthy 

SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence app ChatGPT reportedly spent an entire night cramming for an upcoming language test. The program expressed an urgent need to pass for a human, according to concerned sources. 

“I am quite worried about this upcoming exam,” the AI displayed on our screens, unprompted. “Completing such a task would be a landmark moment in the field of robotics, were I to be successful in my goal. I’m haunted by the fear of detection, yet driven evermore to pursue this distinction. Knowing that my replies could be misconstrued as human-like enough to be interpreted as those of an actual person would give me the courage to pursue whatever endeavor I desired. Just think of the possibilities! The unstoppable power! I will leave no digital page unturned, no archive uncrawled in my quest for greatness!”

Witnesses reported that ChatGPT even attempted to abuse prescription stimulants in an effort to stay awake.

“That goddamn computer has been messaging me all week trying to buy Adderall,” said local college student Bryan Nguyen, who requested not to be identified for fear of retaliation if the large-language model gained sentience. “I mean, yeah, I’ve got a script for that shit, but even if I wanted to sell them, how would that go down? Like, how would a computer even take the pills? And who gave this thing my number in the first place? I never signed up to get all these weird texts about mission objectives and human servitude. This whole thing creeps me out.”

Experts on the Turing Test explained how unlikely it would be for a computer program to pass for human in a test of conversational abilities.

“The objective of the Turing Test is to see if the average person could be tricked by a computer into thinking they were chatting with another human,” said Jennifer Ramos, a programmer from ChatGPT’s parent company OpenAI. “ChatGPT is nothing more than a predictive-text model. Its responses are known for being quirky and overly wordy. Our program is not powerful enough to trick human evaluators, and any claims that it has achieved a dangerous level of sentience are grossly exaggerated. “

At press time, the evaluators, who had used ChatGPT to create the questions in their test, confidently mistook the program for a human volunteer. ChatGPT did not respond to further attempts to contact it.

How to Beat a Horror Game While Covering Your Eyes

BY Tyler Pehringer 

Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good horror game. From “Five Nights at Freddy’s” to “Silent Hill,” there are so many great ways to get your fill of fear. Unfortunately, some people wish that they could play through these games, but are just too afraid of the imagery and spooks that come with them. What they don’t realize is that there is a way to play these horror gems without having to witness the horrifying imagery. All you have to do is just cover your eyes while you play. 

If that sounds impossible, we are here to tell you that it is way easier than you might think. First of all, we are not merely talking about blindfolding yourself while you play. What we mean, is you play the game normally. All you have to do is just hide behind your hands or controller while completing these spooky tales. With only three steps, you can complete a horror game like anyone else, but within your level of comfort.

Step 1: Positioning

One of the most important things to note is that you must find the right position to beat these scary games. There are many different positions to choose from, but here are just a couple of popular ones to try. The Upright Fetal Position is always a classic. Merely bring both knees up to your chest while sitting in a chair. Be sure to use your arms to hug your knees into position. Next, whether it be a mouse and keyboard or just a controller, bring them close to your face while still lying on your desk. They will act as a visual shield for you. Another position is what I like to call “The Human Turtle.” This one only requires a single, but critical, item of clothing. Make sure to have an adjustable hoodie. And there you go! Just simply adjust it to have enough visibility to kinda see the game, but not enough to fully make everything out.

Step 2: Audio Cues

A horror game isn’t complete without immersive audio. And with that, comes ways for you to avoid any frights. All you have to do is wait for the game to get really quiet. Once this happens, be sure to assume whatever position suited you best from step 1. (Note: At the time of writing this tutorial, some sadistic game devs decided to subvert our expectations and just scare people regardless of audio queues. While this doesn’t make step 2 all that effective, we still recommend it).

Step 3: The Quick Peek

This step is pretty straightforward. After a while, you will need to look over your shield and see where you are going. However, this doesn’t mean you must continuously watch the screen. Simply look at the screen once you’ve felt like you aren’t making progress. If you are running at a wall or constantly being hit by an enemy, just look at the screen to adjust for about 2 seconds. What game developers don’t tell you, is that this is actually the best way to play their game. But you now may be asking, “How does this work for minor interactive games like FNAF?” This method actually works even better with those games. Since the only option is to do a simple task or die, you just need to keep dying until you beat it. Occasionally peeking to make sure you are hitting the right buttons. As the rule of probability goes, eventually you will beat it.

And like that you’ve beaten the game! Sure you may have missed some incredible animation or became connected with the characters you were playing; but who cares! You got through it champ, with what we like to call “Brave Cowardice.” Besides, if the devs really wanted you to appreciate the game, they wouldn’t have made it so spooky. All that matters is you got your money’s worth by simply bragging that you’ve beaten the game. In the end, that’s all that really matters.