Hard Digest October 17: Early Access Van Repair, Crust Punk Legends, The Smiths, and More

Second Guitarist Only Kept in Band Because He Knows How to Repair Tour Van

By Dan Kozuh 

BRAINTREE, Mass. — A leak revealed that local punk band We Wear the Mask only keeps their second guitarist, Davey Thompson, in the lineup because he is the only one who knows how to fix the band’s perpetually ailing 1998 Ford Econoline tour van, anonymous sources report.

“We’ve tried to let him go so many times. We’re a punk band for god’s sake, we don’t need a second guitarist,” lead guitarist Rick O’Neill confessed to a friend while waiting for Thompson to rebuild the van’s carburetor. “But every time we’re about to cut him loose, the van breaks down. Last time it was the alternator, and the time before that, the brakes. We were this close to firing him last month, but then something happened to the transmission, and there he was, saving the day again.”

Thompson is fully aware of his precarious position and the fine line he walks between being an essential member of the band and having to go back to work at his dad’s garage.

“Look, I know I’m not exactly shredding on stage, and I’m more comfortable with a socket wrench than a guitar pick,” Thompson admitted from underneath the van. “But if I can keep this van running, then I’m still in the band. It beats getting a day job, and as long as the guys need me to change the fan belt, I’m safe. And, sure, maybe I’ve ‘accidentally’ loosened a spark plug or battery terminal a few times just to make sure I stay indispensable. Sue me.”

Music industry experts aren’t entirely surprised by Thompson’s story.

“It’s a common misconception that everyone in a band is there purely for their musical talent,” explained Dr. Melody Stratton, a professor of musicology at Cleveland State University. “Sometimes it’s because they can carry the heaviest amp, have wealthy parents who bankroll the tour, or, in this case, know how to change a tire on the side of the highway. In the end, it’s all about what you bring to the table—be it talent, money, or working knowledge of a vehicle’s fuse box.”

As of press time, Thompson’s security within the band may be short-lived after it was reported that bassist Emma Green was spotted watching a YouTube video on how to change a vehicle’s oil.

We Interviewed LA Crust Punk Legend, That Dumpster Witch From "Mulholland Drive"

By Rob Steinberg 

For decades now, the dumpster witch has been known for being spotted at iconic locations like Winkie’s Diner, recurring nightmares, and some of the best crust punk shows known to Los Angeles. We met up with them behind their favorite dumpster to discuss what it means to be a punk in LA.

The Hard Times: So why are you always at Winkie’s Diner?

Dumpster Witch: Winkie’s Diner has always been a staple of the punk community. They’re open late and let people loiter. Many great DIY venues are nearby. Plus it’s easy to find for all the people whose nightmares I inhabit to come make sure I’m not real. Spoiler alert, I totally am!

Where’s everyone now?

People come and go. The real ones stick around but sometimes you just get kids playing dress up then return to the suburbs once things get rough. It’s just like the movies. You’ll pretend to be someone else. I stick around often to scare off the phonies. You should see some of the suits I’ve freaked out.

Favorite venue nearby?

There’s one spot called Emerald City that’s been an institution for years. There was this great band of anarcho-crust folk punks called the Woodsmen who went anti-establishment after releasing this radio hit. Some repetitive chorus crap like “This is the water and this is the well”. They got much better after they stopped selling out.

How did you become a crust punk?

Moved here from Canada, fell in love, got messed up with the wrong people. In the end, this was the only life that made sense.

Is it true you were in Decline of Western Civilization Part 3?

(chuckles) That was a long time ago but yup that was me. I went by the name Stain back then. Looked much different then. Penelope Spheeris still comes by now and then. I loved her adaptation of The Little Rascals.

Has LA changed much over the years?

In some ways, yes. The music scene outside of a few spots is awful. There’s one venue called Club Silencio where the bands don’t even play live! It’s all a tape recording, an illusion. What a joke. Still, Los Angeles is the brutalist place in America. Every day people come here and every day people see their dreams die. That kind of energy creates some of the most punk music possible.

What do you do for money?

Play banjo on the corner, sell drugs, occasionally go outside Mann’s Chinese Theater dressed as Jack Sparrow for tourist money.

What drugs do you sell?

I take a blue box of trauma, dreams, and a few other ingredients then mix that box with tiny old people in a paper bag. Get one whiff of that and you’ll be spinning. I’ve sold to this one guy Frank who loves it so much he’s got a gas mask rig for it.

Man Breaks Guinness World Record for “Longest Smiths Phase”

By John Adkins

ST. LOUIS — Guinness World Records announced that Dave Flenderson broke the world record for the longest-running Smiths phase in history, confirmed sources who didn’t know that was a thing but were happy for the winner regardless.

“It’s an honor to have broken such a historic record,” stated Flenderson while styling his hair into a Morrissey-inspired pompadour. “I mean I can’t say I’m surprised, because I’ve been listening to them for a good six months now. Turns out, I just beat out my friend Brian who was going through a third divorce/mid-life clusterfuck and ended his Smiths phase after eight weeks. Plus, I’m in the Smiths’ top .000000001 percent of listeners on Spotify, which means I got to purchase a $250 exclusive, limited edition cassette of Morrissey sighing wistfully for five minutes. It’s pretty badass.”

Despite Flenderson’s excitement, some of his loved ones were less than enthused by his world record.

“Do you know how fucking insufferable he’s been during this whole thing?” remarked Amy Richards, Flenderson’s childhood best friend. “He pouts all the time, he’s always protesting the queen even though she’s super dead, and he somehow works the words ‘charming’ and ‘coy’ into every single goddamn conversation we have. Also, do you know how many times he’s forced me to ride elevators with him just so we can roleplay that scene from ‘500 Days of Summer’? God. If he tells me one more time that ‘meat is murder,’ I think I’m gonna shoot a cow right in front of him.”

Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr warned about the dangers of consuming too much of his former band’s music.

“I am very happy for this guy for beating the world record. Good on ya, Dave! Personally, I can only go four or five days, and a good two weeks if you can take out Morrissey’s vocal tracks,” stated Marr. “Dave should probably go get some therapy or shit because it sounds like he really fuckin’ needs it. Our music was not meant to be experienced over a long period of time. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself migrating to Morrissey’s solo work. And when you’ve reached stage four Morrissey fandom, that’s when you know there’s no going back to normalcy. Be careful out there.”

At press time, Flenderson’s record was taken by someone else after they needed something depressing to help cope with the death of their beloved cat.

Travis Bickle Was Never The “Real” Taxi Driver, Director Martin Scorsese Confirms

BY Nick Coffman 

In a recent interview, Taxi Driver director Martin Scorsese has confirmed that Travis Bickle, the character played by Robert De Niro and idolized by cabbies everywhere, was never intended to be the real Taxi Driver. Instead, Bickle was simply an unsuspecting military vet who had the title of Taxi Driver thrust upon him.

Taxi Driver ends with Bickle celebrated as a vigilante hero by the media, for his actions that saved Jodi Foster’s Iris, from having to grow up in the atrocious cesspool that is New York City. Bickle eventually returns to driving his cab. The final shot of the film shows him looking in his rearview mirror, disgusted with the contents of his backseat. It’s in this closing moment, that Bickle realizes he is not really the Taxi Driver.

“During the ‘You talkin to me’ scene Travis has this realization that he’s not talking to a taxi driver. He’s talking to Travis Bickle,” Scorsese said with tired eyes. “You can put a man in a taxi and call him a taxi driver, but that doesn’t make him a taxi driver. That final look in the rearview mirror? That’s a man who feels disdain for the Taxi Driver, and loathes the yellow cab-fared corner the world has painted him into.”

Scorsese also points out how Cybill Shepherd’s character, Betsy, never acknowledges Bickle as the Taxi Driver until the end of the film.

“We get to the end and she hasn’t called him Taxi Driver even once,” Scorsese said, shaking his head in disappointment. “I told Paul [Schrader], she should at least call him it once, that way he can say ‘I’m not the Taxi Driver, I’m Travis Bickle.’ But Paul wouldn’t budge an inch. Instead we had to settle for him turning down her cab fare and hoping the audience was literate enough to understand the subtext. That was our mistake.”

Taxi Driver screenwriter Paul Schrader argued against Scorsese’s read of the film in a recent video interview with THR.

“Marty said what now? He’s full of shit,” Schrader said, putting on his coat mid-interview. “Sorry I’m bored out of my eyes with this interview and I just realized Arcane season one is getting a steel book release. I’m gonna go grab a copy at Target. You guys keep going with the interview. I’ll be back later.”

At press time, Schrader had returned to the interview, just to leave after another ten minutes.

Israel Credits America’s GenocideFAQs Page for Their Success in Gaza

BY Johnny Amizich 

JERUSALEM — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has cited America’s substantial GenocideFAQs page as a major credit to their success in annihilating every man, woman, and child in Gaza.

The Philadelphian turned tinpot dictator spoke to the UN and, between rounds of raucous applause, explained how indispensable the American guide on genocide has been in their own campaign against Palestine.

“We knew for decades that we wanted to do a genocide run in the Gaza Strip, but always felt we came up short,” Netanyahu said. “Thanks to America’s comprehensive guide on eradicating an entire people, we’ve been more successful in the last year than ever before. It turns out when you say you’re fighting terrorism you can act with impunity. I even began using a Palestinian child’s skull as an ashtray. All I had to say was they were Hamas and my good friend Joe Biden asked if I could get him one of his own. I told him, ‘Of course, I have thousands!’”

President Biden spoke to the press about the matter. Reiterating the refrain that Israel has a right to defend itself.

“America will stand by our allies in Israel, and we wouldn’t have published our GenocideFAQs if we didn’t want our friends to use them, and no one has been a better friend to America than Israel. That’s why we will continue sending them billions in arms without hesitation,” President Biden said. “The Hamburglar attack on October 7th is what caused this conflict, not Israel. You can quote me on that and take it to the bank, Jack!”

Secretary of State Antony Blinken removed his head from the deepest recesses of Netanyahu’s ass long enough to make his own statement.

“Do we condemn the reckless killing of civilians? Absolutely,” Secretary Blinken said. “But as our friends in the IDF have verified, more than 100% of the population in the Gaza Strip are part of Hamas. And as you all know, Hamas are terrorists and it’s clearly stated in America’s GenocideFAQs that the most effective way to commit an ethnic cleansing is by implying all members of a specific group of people are terrorists so I’m failing to see what the issue is. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s growing cold and I must return to the warm embrace of Bibi’s ass.”

At press time, the IDF had begun issuing print copies of America’s GenocideFAQs page to all of their enlisted members.