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Hard Digest October 3: Early Access GY!BE, Bad Habits, Tool Fans, and More
Added 2024-10-04 00:00:09 +0000 UTCGodspeed You! Black Emperor Vocalist Mortified to Learn Microphone Unplugged for Last 27 Years
By Matt Husser
MONTREAL — The lead vocalist of longtime post-rock instrumental band Godspeed You! Black Emperor was reportedly mortified today after learning that his microphone had been left unplugged for nearly thirty years, sources close to the band confirmed.
“This is devastating. You’re telling me that for twenty years no one has heard a single one of my lyrics? For god’s sake, I wrote ‘Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven’ as a rock opera about a colony of ants rising up to overthrow their insect monarchy!” said guitarist and would-be frontman Efrim Menuck, burying his head into his hands. “No one heard the stanza about dissolving the fascist ‘antocrats,’ or the twist ending when the burgeoning anarchist utopia is tragically snuffed out by foreign interventionalists with a magnifying glass—and do you know how fucking hard it was to find a rhyme for ‘thorax’?”
Colin Charley, longtime roadie for the band, admits that the confusion stems back to a gig he worked almost three decades ago.
“I think this misunderstanding might be all my fault—you see, I forgot to plug in the mic for vocals for this show in Ottawa back in 1995, and the crowd went fucking wild. So I just always left it unplugged after that because everyone seemed to like it better,” said Charley, holding up a frayed cable. “See? Doesn’t even work. I don’t even pack one anymore, it’s just a bit of rope I tied to a kid’s karaoke mic. Ah geez, I hope the guys aren’t mad at me, it’s just that their instrumentals are so beautiful, but their lyrics are all weird and about bugs half the time.”
The revelation was reportedly a shock to hardcore fan Tom Boucher, who has seen the band dozens of times without realizing that there were words to his favorite songs.
“Wow, I finally listened to a bootleg studio recording of ‘G_d’s Pee at State’s End!’ that had lyrics, and boy was that…um, different. I mean, it was still great, I just didn’t expect it to literally be about God taking a fat whizz at the Four Corners Monument,” said Boucher, transcribing the lyrics on Genius. “There’s probably some symbolism I’m missing, but ‘piss piss piss from God’s mighty hose, mostly on Utah cause fuck those Mormon bros’ feels pretty straightforward. And what the hell was up with all the songs about ants? Fuckin’ hell, I kind of wish I never knew about this.”
At press time, fans created a petition for the roadie to secretly unplug Anthony Keidis’ microphone during future Red Hot Chili Peppers concerts.
Sad: This 30-Year-Old Is Trying To Eliminate Bad Habits and Build Themselves a Healthier Daily Routine as if That’s Even Possible
So there’s this guy Jake. He just turned 30, and now he’s going on about “eliminating bad habits” and “building a healthier daily routine.” What the hell does that even mean? I’ve been watching him all week, and I still can’t wrap my head around it.
Look, let’s get one thing straight: self-improvement is just another lie sold to suckers who haven’t accepted their miserable fate yet. You’re either born with a silver spoon and a winning personality, or you’re like the rest of us—finding new rock bottoms faster than you can say “help.”
Take Jake for example, this delusional 30-year-old who thinks he can actually “better himself.” He wants to kick his drug habits? Please. Has he even been to an NA meeting? Those places are just dealer networking events where the dealers are extremely reluctant and sometimes might even cry. His brilliant alternative? “Cutting back.” Oh sure, because that always works. What ever happened to our Meth and Mushroom Monday’s? Tar Tuesday’s? Isolating yourself socially is a pretty bad habit if you ask me, how else would we even speak if he doesn’t show face to Salvia Sunday with the boys before half price wings at Hooters.
And get this – the next thing on Jake’s self-improvement list? Reading more novels. Sorry to break it to you, Jake, but Pornhub comments and 4chan conspiracies are all you’ve been reading since 8th grade. I saw him staring at a book yesterday. Just… staring at it. Is that reading? Is the book supposed to do tricks or something? He kept saying things like “I feel smarter already” and “This is really working.” Working how? You’re just doing random shit and pretending it means something, just watch, next week he’ll just ask AI to summarize the rest in a few sentences.
I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something here. But from where I’m sitting (which is on my couch, where I’ve been for the last 72 hours), this whole “self-improvement” thing looks like a bunch of pointless actions strung together by wishful thinking and delusion.
Anyway, I’m off to do some “self-care” of my own, which involves a family-size bag of chips and a porn site binge in which afterward, I’ll rethink pretty much everything I’ve ever done or said before gulping those thoughts back in to never be brought up again and passing out.
Casual Tool Fan Captured for Research
LOS ANGELES – Casual Tool fan Chris Miller is perplexing scientists around the world with his ability to listen to the progressive rock band without celebrating their entire catalog to the point of being an insufferable douche, and has been captured for further research by the medical community.
“Their early stuff is alright, but I don’t think they really came into their own until ‘Ænima,’” suggested Miller as a multitude of electrodes were affixed to various pressure points on his body. “‘Lateralus’ is pretty dope too. I’ll listen to those two albums back to back on my annual cross-country road trip back home for the holidays. I love it when the songs get really soft and contemplative, only for the drums to build up and go POW! Then the fat riff comes in, and it’s freakin’ epic. I don’t really know much about that Fibonacci stuff, but I appreciate the attention to detail that goes into their songs, even if it’s way over my head sometimes.”
Dimitrius Van Leamer, head researcher at the Undertow Academy on 46 and 2nd Street believes he’s captured a unicorn that could jeopardize the integrity of Tool’s die-hard fanbase.
“I just don’t get it,” said Van Leamer as he polished the calipers on his state-of-the-art polyrhythmic libido detector. “See that petri dish over there? That’s full of Chris’ semen specimen. Normally, the intro to ‘Ticks & Leeches’ would make that sucker blow out like a carelessly stored bottle of 2019 Caduceus Nagual de la Naga, but I’m barely seeing any movement at all. I fear that if we can’t figure out why he thinks ‘Fear Inoculum’ is ‘kind of mid,’ then we’ll all be swimming in the Arizona Bay as we welcome the end times before we know it.”
Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan weighed in on the research, but doesn’t have much to say.
“I literally don’t give a fuck,” asserted Keenan without breaking his concentration from his game of Giant Jenga as the rest of the band agonized over what one chord they wanted to vamp on for 128 measures. “He already bought the albums, and only regularly listens to a couple of them? No skin off my dick. He can use them as fucking drink coasters for all I care.”
At press time, Miller was found soaked in sweat and passed out in the “10,000 days” edging chamber.
More From The Hard Times:
Every “Lost” Character Ranked by How They’d Be As a Guest on “The Joe Rogan Experience”
Historically Accurate Game Takes Place Before Women Invented
WARSAW — Male gamers rejoiced after upcoming historical RPG Hussar’s Quest was confirmed to contain no female characters as part of its commitment to historical accuracy as women were not invented when the game takes place.
“Our goal with this game is to create the most authentic depiction of life in the medieval Kingdom of Poland possible,” stated game director Hubert Sokolowski in a recent press release. “We’ve consulted extensively with a team of professional historians in the hopes of avoiding any anachronisms, and that includes depicting aspects of the period that might be offensive to modern sensibilities. The absence of female characters in our game is for the simple reason that it takes place before these mysterious and frightening creatures were invented.”
While a small portion of players looking forward to the game expressed shock at Sokolowski’s statement, the Hussar’s Quest development team insists their approach is consistent with the currently prevailing historical consensus.
“Like computers and smartphones, women are so prevalent in our life today that it’s difficult to imagine people ever lived without them,” explained historical advisor Marek Ciasto-Owocowe. “But the truth is all of these objects are relatively recent inventions. The first women were invented in the 1960s by woke engineers working for General Electric. However, due to the shortage of reliable records from so long ago, it’s unclear why exactly women were made. Most likely, it was for ritual purposes.”
Set in the year 1395, Hussar’s Quest places the player in the role of a Hussar warrior in service to the King of Poland as he fights off a dual invasion from the Kingdom’s two greatest enemies of the era: the Mongols and giant enemy crabs.
“It’s nice to see a game that really cares about its setting for a change,” said gamer Dick Anderson. “I’m so tired of a game selling itself as a period piece, and then the first thing you see is some chick. It just goes to show they don’t care about history at all and just pushing a political agenda. It’s a real breath of fresh air that these guys aren’t afraid to show what life was really like back then.” Anderson proceeded to watch footage of a side quest in which the player character visits a local cathedral to assist the priests in cutting newborn baby boys out of their chrysalis pods, as was common practice at the time.
At press time, a new dev diary showed off the games’ cooking system by preparing potato soup.
Diddy Kong Submits Name Change Application
DK ISLAND — Beloved Nintendo icon Diddy Kong has officially submitted a name change application to his local circuit court after being frequently brought up by mistake amid P. Diddy’s sex trafficking arrest, sources familiar with the matter confirm
According to residents of the island the mischievous little monkey wore a melancholic expression around the island after learning the hard truth that he shares a name with a man who owns one thousand bottles of baby oil and an L.A. home with suspicious tunnels and grottos underneath. He reportedly remained inconsolable for days.
“Me never seen Diddy like this,” said Donkey Kong in a statement. “News make him sad. Make me sad too. Name comes from great-great-grandfather. Very important to Diddy, and to me. Shame to change, but sometimes we must do what we must do.”
Residents of the island are used to hearing excited ‘ooh-ooh’s and ‘ahh-ahh’s from Diddy Kong, but ever since P. Diddy’s arrest, the tiny Kong has been sent various letters condemning his actions and even cursing him out from people mistaking him for the famous rap star. He’s been deeply depressed and barely said a word, according to friends and neighbors.
When approached for comment, beloved Nintendo mascot and video game protagonist Mario Mario had this to say: “It’s-a shame! That-a bastard P. Diddy had-a to go and besmirch poor Diddy Kong’s-a good name. Mamma mia…it’s-a not fair. If Diddy is-a gonna be accused of a crime, it should be hitting me-a with a blue shell. Wahoo!”
Other citizens of Donkey Kong Island and the Mushroom Kingdom reportedly reached out to Diddy Kong upon hearing the sad news. Diddy’s peer and frequent kart-racing partner Bowser Jr. expressed his sympathies during this difficult time.
“That really smarts, man.” Jr. said. “I mean, I’m named after my dad, who’s a pretty bad guy. He’s kidnapped the princess and tried to take over the kingdoms so many times, I’ve lost count at this point! But even he’s not as bad as P. Diddy. I mean, sex trafficking? Prostitution? That guy’s plain guilty, man, you can tell. I don’t blame Diddy Kong for wanting to go by something else. I’m sure whatever he picks will fit him perfectly.”
At press time, Diddy emerged from the circuit court with a huge grin on his face and shared a certificate with his new name printed in big bold letters: Cosby Kong.
