thehardtimes

Hard Digest September 30: Early Access Smashing Pumpkins, Child Custody, Cardiologists, and More

Added 2024-10-01 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

National Archives Releases Documents Proving the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” Moon Landing Was Faked

WASHINGTON — The National Archives released an overwhelming collection of previously classified documents this morning proving that the moon landing from The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” music video was faked, incredulous sources confirm.

“It is a great day when truth prevails against the lies told by powerful men, and today is perhaps the greatest day I’ve ever known,” said Melanie Collins, National Archives Director of Communications and Marketing. “In these 18,000 pages there exists insurmountable evidence that what has been fed to us since 1996 is little more than a fabrication used to win half a dozen MTV Video Music Awards. No spaceflight records from any government agency, that one guy in the video clearly being voice actor extraordinaire Tom Kenny, and does anyone else see the resemblance to that movie ‘Le Voyage dans la Lune’ by Georges Méliès? Seriously, it’s like a straight-up copy.”

The Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan provided his own side of the story.

“Years ago, our group created a falsehood that was ultimately very lucrative for my career, but I’d like to point out that it wasn’t my fault,” said Corgan while recording James Iha’s guitar track himself. “Those blowhards over at NASA were unwilling to compromise for my vision and wanted to have a team of so-called ‘professionals’ man the spacecraft from launch to landing. I would have had no input whatsoever in that scenario, so we had to settle with what ended up giving us a kind of worldwide recognition that has never once negatively impacted my mental health. And no, I will not be returning these trophies.”

Despite both the documentation and the testimony provided by the band themselves, some fans still remained skeptical.

“It honestly feels like the guys denying the moon landing are in the makings of a cult,” said lifelong fan Dominic Herrera, ironing a Homerpalooza t-shirt between swigs of Madame ZuZu’s Emperor’s Mint Meritage tea. “For decades, denialists have asked questions like, ‘How could they breathe up there without any helmets?’ or, ‘Do you really think the moon has a face, you idiot?’ and it pisses me off. Why can’t they just accept the first-hand experiences of the people that were actually there? Billy would never lie to us—I mean, except for today. But he had to do that to keep the peace.”

At press time, Corgan was heard saying that the video’s underwater segments were totally legitimate and that the octopus actually played drums for them when Jimmy Chamberlin briefly left the band.

Inspiring: This Man is Willing to Do Anything for Custody Besides Be a Good Father

By Dom Turek

In a heartbreaking but all too common scene, a hardworking father adds a completely respectful amount of whiskey to his morning coffee in a mug that reads, “Best Dad Ever” but there are no children around. The once lively house filled with sounds of endless marital spats and children running from sight has become a shell, and he has no one to blame but everyone except himself. This is the life Lucas Holmes has built for himself.

From trying to undermine his youngest child’s relationship with his mother to making false claims about his ex-wife’s fidelity all over town, this empty nester has tried everything just short of telling his kids, “I love you and I care about you” to win their affections and prove his worth as a father.

Luckily, Lucas knows firsthand that growing up with a strong father figure has nothing to do with how much you love them. Growing up with a dad who uses you for emotional leverage and treats you as an option only makes you love them more and encourages you to spend your teen and adult years devising creative strategies to gain your parents’ attention. Some of a kid’s best memories are spent pulling dangerous stunts with the subconscious intention of receiving unconditional love.

Though he’s been accused by the courts and those closest to him of not spending enough quality time with his children, no one sees what he’s doing behind the scenes to secure full custody. What he lacks in quality time with his kids, he spends attaching quality tracking devices to his ex-wife’s car and stashing three hundred dollars worth of quality drugs in his ex’s work desk to frame her for possession.

Fighting dirty isn’t something to be proud of, but it’s common knowledge that courts always side with the mothers no matter how many times you pass your car’s breathalyzer interlocking device. Lucas is fighting tooth and nail against centuries of prejudiced attitudes formed against men who want sole custody of their children, and no one seems to give a damn.

It doesn’t help that they’re throwing the book at him left and right. Since when is missing a few child support payments illegal? Oh since the 1900s? His lawyer should’ve told him that. This is just another example of feminists gatekeeping obscure legal information that could help a father reunite with his boys, except for this weekend because he has a poker night planned with some friends.

Concerned Cardiologist Still Attempting to Explain to Math Rock Guitarist That Arrhythmia Isn’t a Good Thing

By Neel Bhakta

CHICAGO — Exasperated cardiologist Dr. Everett Johnston is struggling to explain to his math rock guitarist patient that an arrhythmia, the irregular beating of the heart, is very much not a good thing, concerned sources reported.

“I’m at my wit’s end here. I keep telling this young man that this is a very serious medical condition and could potentially lead to heart failure, stroke, or shortness of breath after walking up a single flight of stairs. But instead of being worried, he’s very happy to hear about his newfound ailment,” said Dr. Johnston. “I even tried explaining it to him in a language he might understand, what with music and what not. His heart is beating like it’s constantly shuffling between the catalogs of American Football, Rush, and Slint. Honestly, he didn’t even seem fazed when I started humming Tool’s ‘Lateralus’ while using my stethoscope to listen to his heart.”

Patient and math rock guitarist Adrian Reyes, who has reported severe bouts of dizziness, chest pain, and sweating, was relieved to find out his diagnosis.

“Man, I was really worried for a second there. I thought the doctor would come out and tell me I have COVID or the cooties or something. Luckily, I just have arrhythmia, which number one, sounds like an extremely sick band name, and number two, means I was born to play math rock. It’s kinda like I’m that rain man guy from that movie ‘Rain Man,’” said an extremely detached Reyes. “But then the doctor started talking about some pacemaker bullshit and I’m like fuck that. They want me to ignore my unique and potentially fatal nature and replace my heart with some 4/4 radio-friendly pop country trash! No way man, I’d rather die than become a sell out.”

Researchers from Northwestern University have seen many cases similar to Reyes’ and have charted the trend across all musical genres.

“It’s a relatively new research area, but it’s one that’s unfortunately becoming more and more necessary. We’ve got teens who’ve showcased stable mental health patterns for years and all of a sudden, they start asking for Adderall and Vyvanse because they listened to the latest hyperpop record from Charli XCX,” said post-doctoral researcher Belinda Salz, rubbing her temples. “At this rate, I think we can call this an epidemic. Surprisingly, we’ve not heard any concerning reports coming from psych rock fans, but we feel this can be explained because they’re all probably already high as fuck on whatever mushrooms they grew in their sheds.”

At press time, Reyes was found sneaking into hospitals to hook himself up to an EKG machine to discover new tempos and time signatures for his band’s upcoming EP.

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Shenmue Fan Commits Multiple OSHA Violations on First Day as Forklift Operator

BY Steve Packosky

SAN ANTONIO — Local Shenmue fan Barry Cowner committed multiple OSHA violations on his first day as a forklift operator for TRC Electronics and Automation, sources report.

“I guess this one’s on me, but man, I really expected driving a forklift to be different than this,” Cowner commented. “First off, I thought it was customary to race the other forklift drivers, which is something the other employees definitely were not receptive to. I also assumed the forklift would automatically stop if I was about to hit somebody, and I was really wrong on that one. Overall, there’s much more of an emphasis on safety here than I was accustomed to. There’s not even an added perk of using this job as a means of infiltrating a local biker gang. Maybe it’s just not for me.”

Cowner’s foreman Roger DiBaftista voiced displeasure in his new employee.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had to fire somebody this quickly,” DiBaftista said. “The list of OSHA violations this guy already committed is off the charts, and it’s not even lunchtime yet. He didn’t follow our strict speed limit, he didn’t perform his pre-shift inspection, and he sure as hell didn’t ensure his loads were balanced. It’s like he thought he was operating under an entirely different set of physics from the rest of us. I even caught him driving with his load completely blocking his field of vision.”

Behavioral psychologist Jasmine Crenshaw weighed in on Cowner’s behavior.

“The inability of certain gamers to distinguish between their favorite games and their vocations is more common than you’d think,” Crenshaw offered. “The nation experienced a huge uptick in cab-related accidents after the release of Crazy Taxi, and there were numerous amusement park deaths directly linked to Rollercoaster Tycoon. Don’t even get me started on Flight Simulator. At this point I’m recommending gamers just stick to platformers, for all of our sakes.”

At press time, a newly-fired Cowner was seen setting up a Lucky Hit stand outside of TRC Electronics and Automation as a means of earning extra spending money.

Opinion: Look, I Swear, It’s a Coincidence That My Fighting Game Mains All Have Great Butts

BY Peter Cunis

So it seems there are rumors going around that I’m choosing all of my fighting game mains on a butt-by-butt basis. I hear you, I understand why it might seem like that’s the case, but I’m here to reassure you that it’s only a coincidence that my mains all have great butts. In every fighting game, I have a clear, non-butt-related reason for choosing my mains. Let’s go through the list.

First, let’s address the elephant in the room: Cammy. Yes, Cammy has been my main in every Street Fighter since Super, and yes, the first thing anybody ever learned about her was that she has a really great butt. The butt-quality assurance team at Capcom made absolutely sure of that. “Be sure the players know how great her butt is and how proud she is of that,” was, I believe, the note given by Funamizu to the design team.

But look, I’m a rushdown player. Who else am I going to play? Ken? Pfft. He’s a rushdown hybrid at best. I’m only playing the purest rushdown characters, like Guilty Gear’s Giovanna, Darkstalkers’ Victor, or Mai Shiranui. And look, if I was as fixated on butts as everyone says I am, then how come I don’t play Cammy at all in Marvel vs. Capcom 2? Not once have I swapped her into my Psylocke/Rogue/Captain America team.

Next, let’s address the Mortal Kombat 1 issue. Is it even fair to claim I’m fixating on butt-play with this game? Every single character in this game is gorgeous, even Baraka, and it’s virtually impossible for me not to choose someone with a great butt. So if you’re saying my Omni-Man/Jax team is evidence that I’m into butts, you’re just throwing wild accusations around. For one thing, Omni-Man’s a rushdown, and for another, I never even noticed Jax’s butt until you pointed it out to me just now.

And finally, the Smash Brothers question. If I was as focused on butts as you say I am, wouldn’t I play Bayonetta? You fool, I have never played Bayonetta. I play Solid Snake, and I didn’t say a word when they broke Metal Gear tradition and gave him a flat butt. I mean, sure, it makes no sense at all that a man who spends 90% of his life crawling facedown on the ground wouldn’t do some squats once in a while, but did I complain? Certainly not, and I certainly didn’t start a “Give Snake His Beautiful Dumpster Back” petition online, even if it IS so frustrating that Nintendo would take away somebody’s most notable physical trait like it’s 1984 over here. I’m fine.

So, as you can see, while I may play a few characters with great butts here and there, my fighting game choices are in no way prurient in nature. Overwatch, on the other hand, is a different story. There’s a reason I’m an Orisa main, after all.