Hard Digest September 28: Early Access Country Musician, Raw Denim, Drinking, and More

Modern Day Country Singer Visits Folsom Prison to Advocate for Harsher Sentencing

By Matt Husser 

FOLSOM, Calif. — Country singer Carlson Swagger brought his cowboy bootlickin’ brand of lawful country music to Folsom Prison today where he performed only for law enforcement while advocating for harsher sentencing for the prisoners, sources confirmed.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone except the criminal scum who deserve to rot behind bars, who’s ready for some law abidin’ tunes from the heartland? Johnny Cash once visited this very stage with his brand of outlaw country, but I’m here for something a little different: the red, the white, and to back the blue,” shouted Swagger, before breaking into his hit song “I Walk the Thin Blue Line.” “But before I get out of here, I wanna dedicate my next song to all the hardworking Americans busting their asses every day to raise the mandatory minimums for misdemeanor drug possession and keep our prisons full—you’re the real heroes. This one’s called ‘Do the Petty Crime, Serve the Max Time.’”

Clarence Daniels, a prisoner serving a life sentence at Folsom Prison, recalled how Swagger’s performance deviated from the legendary concert performed by Johnny Cash.

“When they canceled our time in the yard because this Swagger fella was coming through I had high hopes we’d enjoy another great show like Mr. Cash put on in ‘68, but I knew we were in for a long day when he started singing ‘I like my convicts like my KFC: extra crispy,’” said Daniels, recalling what he could hear through the cell walls. “I didn’t get to leave my cell all day, then the guards came back wearing concert t-shirts all singing some bullshit love song called ‘Sweet Little Miss Demeanor Ain’t Walkin’ the Streets No More.’”

Meanwhile, prison guard Stephen Capella proclaimed that he thoroughly enjoyed the show, and was still humming catchy lyrics like “I falsified the evidence, just to watch a criminal fry” hours later.

“You know it’s always ‘Fuck the Police’ with these musicians types, but nobody writes songs celebrating the vital role that prison guards play in society. Thankfully, Swagger really captured the pure joy you get from dragging a convict to solitary confinement with ‘Folsom Prison Screws,’” said Capella, admiring his autographed baton. “Not only that, he generously agreed to donate a percentage of his album sales to lobby for more prison beds for non-violent offenders in Sacramento County!”

At press time, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice had announced that Swagger would headline their next death row execution.

How To Support Your Friend During Their Raw Denim Phase

By Carson Kile

You knew this was going to happen. You saw the signs, you were aware of the risks. You found the “sea salt” scented body washes, you watched them linger in the brimmed hat section of the department store, you witnessed the switch from Camels to American Spirits. And now, as you listen to them talk about how they wore their jeans in a hot bath to have them “form to their legs,” your greatest fears have been realized. Your friend is in their “raw denim” phase.

The best thing to do in this situation is not to panic, or try to “fix” them. Now more than ever, your friend needs your help. As someone who has seen a few friends lose their footing and slide into the deep end of the un-sanforized abyss, here are a few tips to support your friend during their raw denim phase.

1. Constantly reassure them their jeans look good.

Within a month of wearing stinky, dirty jeans, your friend will inevitably come up to you and point out barely visible creases in inconspicuous places on their legs: behind the knees, the crotch, the back pocket where they’ve shoved an unopened Copenhagen tin. At this point, make sure to use affirming language, like: “Yes, your ‘honeycombs’ ARE looking totally sweet,” and “Your ‘whiskers’ ARE the perfect size! No, no, the really big ones scare me, promise!”

2. Take the odor situation into your own hands.

Your friend will surely be wearing the jeans every day while refusing to wash them, and pretty soon there will be a sweaty, pungent elephant in the room that will become impossible to ignore. Your friend has become absolutely nose-blind to this powerful musk, so the best thing to do is wait until they’ve fallen asleep whacking off to “Fade of the Day” forums all night and spraying Lysol in the jeans yourself, and maybe even on your disgusting friend too, for good measure.

3. Create a routine.

Raw denim hobbyists can sometimes find it overwhelming to be a functioning member of society. I mean, these are the same types of people who cringe at the idea of having to wash your clothes. So, creating a routine can simplify life for them. Every morning, have them bust out 10 deep squats with the pants on, put on their bolo tie, and kiss the framed picture of James Dean on their wall before heading out. This removes any critical thinking from their daily life that could overheat their brain or cause them to second-guess their life choices.

Raw denim is a phenomenon that captures the hearts of millions of quarter-lifers every year who want to cosplay as a 1950s greaser, so just know that there are plenty of others who are empathetic to your situation. Remember, this little obsession will pale in comparison to their inevitable cowboy boot phase, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Man Wishes He Was Dumb Enough to Be Happy All the Time

By Ben Friedman 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local highly-observant man Gavin Wells recently started to sincerely wish he was dumb enough to experience genuine happiness, multiple friends confirmed.

“Every day I’m having anxiety attacks from the endless stream of news about mass shootings, Moms For Liberty, and old high school acquaintances trying to trick me into crypto schemes. But I had an epiphany while I was doom scrolling: were I just 10 or 15 IQ points dumber, I might lack the media literacy and common sense to know everything’s fucked,” said Wells. “I’d be so much happier if I liked Top 40 radio and commented on pictures of Instagram models like I had a chance with them. Would it have killed my mom to smoke or drink for a few weeks while I was in utero?”

While most of Wells’ friends encouraged him to not be so hard on himself, others suggested he put the world’s problems out of his mind.

“Gav’s issue is that he needs to just flat out ignore negativity at all costs. The other day he was telling me about how stressed he was over Putin plotting to take over Ukraine, and I was like wait, the guy who’s friends with Steven Segal? Being out of the loop kicks ass, I’m out here living my best life,” said Allen Pierson. “I think all that college learning he did rewired his brain to think too critically. I literally just look at Minions memes all day, those little dudes are hysterical. And if you need someone to quote Ace Ventura with, I’m your guy.”

Researchers who’ve spent decades studying the correlation between intelligence and mood noted the data all pointed to one conclusion.

“There already existed anecdotal evidence that people with lower intelligence were generally happier, and they were referred to as ‘village idiots.’ Today though, willful stupidity is running rampant,” said cultural anthropologist Bryce Townsend. “I mean we’d all love to exist in a frame of mind thinking trickle-down economics works and Vin Diesel is a good actor, but this is the same thinking pattern of people who aren’t alarmed when it’s 70 degrees in January. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of them, because collecting data on the downfall of society is depressing as hell.”

Wells was reportedly in better spirits after finding that he could replicate the feeling of perpetual blissful ignorance by listening to Theo Vonn podcasts while huffing paint.

Score: This Woman Just Met Her Weekly Number of Recommended Drinks in One Night

By Dom Turek

Meet Lisa Bergeron, when her primary care physician told her the weekly recommended number of drinks for a woman her size was between five and seven beverages, she knew could more than double those numbers in a single bottomless mimosa brunch sitting.

Not usually one to go above and beyond the call of duty in terms of school, work, or diet she consistently supersedes expectations when it comes to her drinking habits. If she’s not drinking enough frozen margaritas to ride a mechanical bull despite a recent concussion from her last disastrous night on the town, she’s not living up to her full potential and has resigned herself to a shadow life.

Doctors are quick to tell you the risks of consuming too much alcohol, but only really good doctors tell you the risks of not consuming enough alcohol. Would you rather have a failing liver or a failing social life? Decreased brain activity or decreased invitations to parties? A low sperm count or a low number of friends? I think the answers to these questions are pretty obvious.

Don’t get me wrong. Drinking the average number of drinks per week is fine as long as you’re fine with being average, just as studying an average amount of time is okay if you’re okay with being of average intelligence, but some people aren’t satisfied with mediocrity.

Contrary to popular opinion, moderation isn’t always key. If a doctor recommended that you exercise two times a week and he found out you were secretly exercising four times a week, he would be proud. Let’s take that a step further. If he found out you exercised every single day and even started neglecting your friends, family members, and hobbies to devote your life entirely to exercise, he would be ecstatic and probably induct you into some kind of health hall of fame. Why shouldn’t the same rules apply to drinking?

These same people who preach moderation and can’t mind their own business always express the importance of hydration whenever the subject of binge drinking enters the conversation, but Lisa gets more than enough water at that crucial point in the night when the concerned bartender secretly starts feeding her shots of water instead Don Julio Blanco.

Wizards Of The Coast Announces $200 “Barrier To Entry” Deck

BY Dan Bookbinder 

RENTON, Wash. — Wizards Of The Coast is releasing a new format to address concerns about Magic: The Gathering’s cost and complexity being an impediment to newcomers. 

“Magic has been a beloved brand for more than 30 years, but we want to welcome new players of all abilities into our world. To address this, we’ve developed the ‘Barrier To Entry’ deck retailing for $200, which is quite reasonable considering the value of cards on the secondary market. The set features simplified foil-embossed card designs, and we’ve made adjustments to make it easier to learn and play,“ said Hasbro Marketing Representative Audrey Ryder. “Magic collectors will also love the new mechanics, additional mana colors, resized cards, and new sleeves and other accessories.”

Aspiring players are excited to purchase the new deck as a way to dip their towns in the Magic waters.

“Magic was popular when I was stationed in Afghanistan, but for obvious reasons, it was impossible to jump in,” said newcomer Crystal Rafferty. “When I returned stateside, the hostility to teaching a newcomer was more tense than the warzone. So the ‘Barrier To Entry’ set was perfect, but when I got home, I realized I just got the Land Deck. Once I buy the additional Spell Deck, Creature Deck, and required hardcover New Players Guide, I’ll be ready to hold my own at my local comic shop’s Friday Night Magic tournaments.”

Longtime players seem skeptical about incorporating yet another style of play.

“I have devoted decades of my life to MTG, learning dozens of formats, investing my Christmas money on the best Commanders I could get, scraping some of the best decks because of lame banlists only to build myself up again, but nothing makes me happier than nuking noobs and collecting antes,” said Tournament player Stephan Fulton. “But enough already! I love Magic, as anyone on the subreddit will tell you, but how many times do I have to grab up new decks, learn new play styles, deal with new house rules? Sure I’m grabbing the new set, but Hasbro will hear about this, they’ll have to send all the Pinkertons to shut me up!” 

At press time, WOTC announced they will be sundowning the “Barrier to Entry” set, and announced a completely new product “Planescrawler” set for new players.