Hard Digest September 25: Ska Week Early Access and More

Man Who Likes Everything But Rap and Country Admits He Forgot About Ska

By Audrey Vieira |

NEW YORK — Self-described music enthusiast Robbie Rivera is in critical condition after realizing his previous statements about enjoying everything but rap and country failed to account for ska, sources report.

“Just because I like everything but rap and country doesn’t mean I’ve heard and loved everything else out there,” Rivera said while Googling ska for the first time. “I tell people that because I’m an open-minded guy who likes Taylor Swift and whatever heavy acts are on shirts in the Target men’s section, but nothing too controversial for my mom or too safe for my dad. Everything else is fair game, even the last few Weezer albums. But ska? I thought that was something my buddy made up to mess with me like Norwegian black metal. Guess I have to look that up now, too.”

Ska enthusiast Ian Lambert, who informed Rivera about the genre’s existence earlier today, condemned his ignorance of the influential subgenre.

“When you say you like everything but rap and country, I’m gonna assume ska falls under the everything part and offer you my extra Less Than Jake ticket,” Lambert said between bites of mozzarella sticks. “Now I’m not sure I even want to bring him along. By leaving ska off his list of exceptions, he’s basically pretended to enjoy it for years. He’s the ultimate poser. I should have known something was up when I brought up We Are The Union and he started going on about labor rights. What’s next, he tells me he hasn’t heard enough rap or country to write off two entire genres?”

Music critic Cameron Vaughn observed Rivera’s case as just one of many instances of someone claiming to be a fan of everything failing to account for ska.

“This is exactly why those claiming to like everything but rap and country cannot be trusted,” Vaughn said. “That statement implicitly endorses countless terrible subgenres while overlooking genuinely great rap and country songs like Megan Thee Stallion’s entire catalog and all those ballads about women killing their cheating husbands. But forgetting about ska is unforgivable. Not every ska artist is a great performer, but every great performer was once a ska artist. Just look up Oscar Isaac’s old bands, for Christ’s sake.”

At press time, Rivera confirmed he indeed liked ska after having the time of his life at a Mustard Plug show.

Fuck Yeah! Substitute Teacher Used To Be in The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

By Yancy Lee Crawford 

INDIANAPOLIS – Clearlake Elementary students were treated to a day of wholesome fun and learning when Sebastian Miller, former horn player for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, subbed in a third-grade classroom.

“When I left the Bosstones to start a family, I had to find another job where entertaining weird kids that are stone cold sober was useful. My first thought was joining the Chuck E. Cheese band, but substitute teaching just felt right,” Mr. Miller explained while placing tiny plastic kazoos in every student’s cubby. “Plus, kids love putting on costumes and dancing to nonsense songs, and that was, like, our whole thing. Looking back, being in The Mighty Mighty Bosstones was amazing on-the-job-training training for substitute teaching. There’s almost no difference between ska fans and elementary school students.”

Students spoke highly of Mr. Miller’s ability to make learning fun despite being the only teacher in the building wearing a three piece suit and porkpie hat.

“Most substitute teachers smell like my grandma’s bathroom, but when Mr. Miller taught us the history of ska instead of phonics, I knew class was gonna be effin’ awesome,” local third grader Ruby Crosby shouted while dancing on her desk. “I know using respectful language is the Husky way, but Mr. Miller called me a ‘rascal king’ and said his first rule is to always have fun. Today I learned cussin’ feels pretty dang fun. I also learned Mr. Miller’s band is older than YouTube. He looks really good for such an old person.”

Clearlake Elementary band teacher Jackie Willard praised Mr. Miller’s ability to produce measurable scene advancements in such little time.

“Instead of taking students to performing arts classes with other teachers, Mr. Miller played a variety of horns and taught the kids how to skank,” Mrs. Willard beamed while pulling a small group of students to reteach them how to take the bass for a walk. “But then I realized his lessons are a cross-curricular blend of PE, history, antiracism, and music. I’ve been saying for years that ska should not be taught in isolation. Maybe the rest of the staff will work harder to create the fourth wave after seeing Mr. Miller’s example. The least they can do is wear a wallet chain and care about the fundamentals of skanking.”

At press time, Mr. Miller was unavailable for further comment because he was busy teaching students how to chug Mountain Dew and burp the alphabet backward.

Expecting Ska Parents Can Feel Baby Skanking

By Chris Bratton 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local ska fan and mother-to-be Claudia Hudson recently visited her OBGYN to reveal she recently felt her baby skanking, confirmed sources who didn’t know whether to be happy or sad for her.

“After running a few errands, I came home, slipped off my checkered vans, and decided to take a rest on the couch. I put on my favorite Spotify playlist, ‘ska iz lyfe.’ I started to drift off to sleep and then it happened!” Hudson said as she motioned to her pregnant belly. “There was a rhythmic kick cadence that can only be achieved when a masterpiece like Mustard Plug’s ‘Mr. Smiley’ unlocks it in you. I knew then my baby was hunched over, fists tightly clenched, and kicking its tiny feet to the beats of the third wave. Listen, I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, I just want my baby to be healthy and listen to Reel Big Fish.”

Dr. Rachel Mercer remembered the day Hudson made an emergency visit to recount the believed skanking.

“I was due to perform a delivery in 20 minutes and Mrs. Hudson came in demanding that I play a Mephiskapheles burned CD. I explained to her that not only did I not have one but no one knows who the hell that even is,” said Dr. Mercer. “She then started to hum a song by the Hippos and pulled my hand to her stomach. It’s probably psychosomatic I told her, but then she asked me who ‘psychoSKAmatic’ was and if they would be playing the ska cruise this summer, and if it was ok to bring a newborn on a ska cruise!”

An expert on in utero behavior Tom Devine had some interesting insight into the situation.

“Absolutely, that baby was skanking. Prenatal exposure to hours of Op Ivy will always lead to this phenomenon,” said Devine. “A few months back I was dealing with a couple who at the time were going through a huge Mastodon kick. I mean listening to the album ‘Blood Mountain’ a few times a day. They thought they felt their baby kick. Wrong! Their child was headbanging to face-melting riffs and punishing drums. It was 1993 and the Macarena’ was taking the country by storm, I believe you know where I am going with this.”

At press time, Rose gave birth to a baby boy and was pleased that he came out with a tiny checkerboard birthmark on his right arm.

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Majority of Millennials Agree Playing Mass Effect 3 Prepared Them For Life Choices To Be Mostly Irrelevant

BY Nick Coffman 

NEW YORK  – What do saving the Ranchini Queen in Mass Effect and majoring in communications have in common? Both have little to no impact in the grand scheme of things according to new research. 

A Nielsen Media Research survey exploring the connections between gaming and hopelessness found that 99% of millennials who played Mass Effect 3 reported being less surprised by most of their decisions being irrelevant later in life. Brenda Mahoney, Head of Gaming Research with Nielsen, broke down their findings in a press conference at Nielsen headquarters earlier this week.

“In our response pool of over 25,000 millennials, we found that those struggling with finances, work-life balance, or family matters had an easier time accepting how pointless their choices were if they completed Mass Effect 3 in its entirety,” lamented Mahoney, a late-millennial herself. “If something as big as curing the Genophage and restoring the Krogan race meant so little, who gives a crap who you marry or have kids with, am I right? In the grand scheme of things, your choices just do not matter. That’s a pill a majority of millennials are finding easier to swallow these days, thanks in part to playing Mass Effect 3.”

Researchers at Nielsen were dumbfounded by just how universal these findings were. No matter the respondent’s sex, gender, socioeconomic background, or side they took in the console wars, Mass Effect 3 was continuously cited as a major factor in hopelessness. Mahoney continued the press conference, breaking down the methods used in the survey.

“We simply asked millennials when they gave up hope. The prompt asked for a year, but respondents opted to type in video games instead,” Mahoney said, pointing at a pie chart mostly made up of Mass Effect 3 responses. “We also found that gamers who gave up hope as a result of playing Mass Effect 3 were more likely to engage in questionable behavior like enrolling in graduate school, racking up credit card debt, or playing Destiny 2.”

It’s not all doom and gloom out there though. Mahoney wrapped up the press conference by discussing ways millennials can combat that general feeling of hopelessness.

“You can die,” Mahoney said sternly. “If that’s not an option you can always replay Baldur’s Gate 3.”

“Hey! Oh! Come on?! Whaz a Matta Wit You?! Ah?! Whoa!” Our Review of The Penguin

BY Brendan Osorio 

Alright hey howz it going. My name is Salvatore Del Smuccio I’m from Brooklyn, OBVIOUSLY, and I’m here to review this here new Penguin show on HBO Max or whatever the heck it’s called nowadays. I’ve watched every episode of this thing and I gots lots to say and I think you’ll find all of my thoughts on the matter well researched and insightful.

Oh! Whoa! Hey what’s going on here? We gotta bang bang right away and then bada bing this fat son of a gun is dumping a body and shooting at a bunch of kids! Whoa! Oh no no no. That’s not a what mama taught me. No sir, this here Penguin is one bad Goombah and now he’s gotta little goombah driving him around whoa!

Aye What da hell is this show? Come on?! What are ya even showing me?! What the hell is the matta wit you, come on now? What do I look like? Where’s the gabagool at? I can’t watch this no more! What would my mama say?!

Oh! Whoa! No! Waz he doin’ now would ya look at that?! This Penguin oh my god! Come on! Come on!?! You gotta be kidding me! Whoa oh oh Whooooaaaaa! What’s a goin’ on here now this guy is one dirty son of a focaccia, Oh!

Whoa! No! I Know he not gonna do this! Don’t do it you bad bambino I swear to god if you do it Oh no! Oh he did it the big broccolin did it. Oh Penguin you fat son of a gun wazza mara you? Where’s the respect, Oh! He ain’t no piasano I’d share a gabagool with. No no no.

Oh Whoa whoa whoa! No no no! Ah Penguin you fat dirty rat oh no. What is this? No I can’t keep doin this with you Penquin. Oh! Where’s the Batman when ya need him. Gotta come get this evil son of a pepperoni. I can’t stand this goomba! Ah! Turn it off Lucia!

Wha?! Whoa! No oh oh! Waz goin on now? No no no no! This guy right here. What are we doin here come on. I mean what are we doin here!?!?! What is this supposed to be? No oh oh oh whoa whoa oh!

Ho oh oh! Whaz this here? No not his mama. Oh no. Oz what are ya doin’ here. Come on now! Whoa!?! Not that! Oh no no no. No more please. What is this here, oh whoa! Ah! Oh he made his face look like a pile of ol gabagool oh no! Whoa!

Alright then. That there was all my thoughts on the penguin show. Guy seems like a big bad galoomba who ain’t worth nothin’ but hey that’s just me. I guess ah 4 out of 5 stars and Colin Feral was uh pretty good. I’d share a slice with ‘im. But not that dirty fat penguin! Whoa!