Hard Digest September 16: Early Access Box Sets, Popcorn Buckets, Junk Drawers, and More
Added 2024-09-17 00:00:08 +0000 UTCMost Americans Giving Up The Dream of Owning 30th Anniversary Box Set
By Rob Ryder
WASHINGTON — A new report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows the majority of Americans are giving up the dream of owning the 30th-anniversary box set of their favorite ‘90s record.
“This all started about three years ago with the release of the 30th anniversary of ‘Nevermind,’” explained Mark Engles while flipping through used CDs at a local Goodwill. “Little did we know, that was just the start of it. Within a few years we had 30th-anniversary sets of ‘Ten,’ ‘Dirt,’ ‘Siamese Dream’ and ‘Dookie’ and we haven’t even gotten to 1995 releases yet. I knew I had to be financially responsible, so I waited to save up for a nice down payment on a box set, but my indecision burned me in the end. I’ve been priced out of everything. I can’t even afford Mr. Big anthology collection as a first-time buyer.”
While the fans scramble to keep up, record companies have been all too happy to flood the market with box sets, some with price tags over $600.
“Once a Nirvana box set hit and we saw what people were willing to pay, we knew we had to get in on it,” said Aaron James of the Universal Music Group while making a tower out of unsold Three Doors Down CDs. “Most of the master tapes of these classic albums burned up in the Universal Fire, but we found an old hard drive with some pretty solid MP3s and just sent that down to the record pressing plant. I mean, on a Crosley USB Turntable, who’s gonna notice the fucking difference? Covid really inflated the market, but only because we can blame our price hikes on the pandemic.”
The desperate situation has boiled over into the financial services industry, creating a market for loans which present yet another problem for would-be box set owners.
“It’s the American economy at its worst, just predatory lending all over again,” said Edward Tevich of Wells Fargo’s Music Services Division. “I rarely approve loans for vinyl anymore just as a personal choice. However, I do know plenty of banks are willing to do it. I’ve seen interest rates between 12 and 14% for most loans, but they’re always higher if the box set is a Target exclusive. The short-sightedness of this whole situation is what drives me fucking nuts. Has anyone even considered what happens in a few years when we hit 30 years of Limp Bizkit or if banks start buying up all the box sets to rent them out to the public? That’s how box set crises begin.”
At press time, Tevich was said to be encouraging his team at Wells Fargo to offer loans to desperate Oasis fans.
Opinion: Back in My Day, We Had To Use Our Imagination When Fucking a Popcorn Bucket
By Ben Friedman
If you want to know why there’s little to no originality in the entertainment we consume, look no further than your local movie theater and patient zero, the Dune popcorn bucket. What began as crude jokes online about it’s uncanny resemblance to an orifice (jury is still out on which one exactly) had Fox jumping on the bandwagon with suggestible Wolverine and Xenomorphs faces to eat out of and/or pleasure oneself.
Frankly, I find it unconscionable and disgusting because back in my day, we had to use our imagination when we wanted to have sex with a popcorn bucket.
I cannot believe society has reached the point where people are willing to pay $35 for a novelty container with a face on it. Must be so nice to have everything served on a silver platter and lubed up with artificial butter! These kids have it entirely too easy, with their jumbo popcorn buckets conveniently equipped with the trappings of something tangible to put their dicks inside. In my day you had to sneak in your own pair of scissors and cut it out yourself. It’s called building character.
I’ve tried the old “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick on a few dates, and I’d only give it two out of five stars if only because those dates ended right there and then. What actually got me through high school was seeing “Charlie’s Angels” in theaters 23 times and the limitless power of my brain. I almost believed I had a chance with Cameron Diaz, alas. But now you can just skull fuck the likeness of Hugh Jackman anytime, anywhere.
When I saw Tomb Raider, I had to crudely draw Angelina Jolie’s face onto it just to feel something, anything. And all I got was banned from every AMC in the country. And before you ask, yes I had to do it in the theater because our computer was in the family room.
Where’s the creativity or the wonder? It’s obvious why kids lack the ability to think critically or originally, and I blame it squarely on that dick-tickling Dune popcorn bucket. Once you don’t have to fire any synapses to imagine having sex with a 900 ton sand worm, civilization begins to crumble because people don’t even have to try anymore to be a weirdo pervert.
I guess that’s the price of progress.
Punk House Only has Junk Drawers
By TACOMA, Wash. — Punk house squatter Dave Giles reportedly converted virtually every open space within his home into a junk drawer, cluttered sources confirmed.
“Dave’s letting me sleep on his couch while I kick my Funko Pop addiction. I asked him if he had some walnut crackers and rubber bands so I could craft a few DIY mousetraps, and he told me to check the junk drawer,” said friend Kara Stokes. “Suddenly I was in a labyrinthine nightmare of multiple, messy drawers with no discernible order or theme. The so-called utensil drawer contained a single Flintstone’s spoon Dave got from a Fruity Pebbles box and then just a bunch of looseleaf papers featuring his blueprints for a solar-powered sex doll. I also learned the hard way about how since the toilet is broken he’s been filling up the ice cube tray ‘junk drawer.’”
Giles defended his domicile’s alleged disorganization.
“Despite the unsavory rumors you might have heard, I’ve got way more than just junk drawers. There are also several catch-all drawers, a knick-knack drawer, a few different bins of miscellaneous items, and the subterranean junk drawer, which is what I call the basement,” said Giles. “You’ve got to understand, as a Millennial, I am simply not capable of purchasing, say, a new cell phone or guitar pedal without keeping the box just in case I ever need it for some unknown reason. For example, what if I need to return it several years from now, or need to look at the user manual and don’t feel like Googling it like a normal person?”
Organizer and aspiring social media personality Emma Aoki explained how punks like Gile can transform their homes.
“As a professional organizer that works exclusively with punk houses, I’m obviously not doing it for the money. I do it because I know they need my help. Plus, they don’t have any qualms about hiring a felon,” said Aoki. “My motto is that if it doesn’t spark joy, chuck that shit over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. Or if it’s a piece of old furniture covered in cigarette burns, just stick it on your patio or front porch.”
At press time, local psychologists have been taking compulsive hoarders on tours of Gile’s house in an effort to scare them straight.
RFK Jr. Has No Idea What Happened to the Sleeping Snorlax on Route 12
BY Gary Kerls
KANTO — After local law enforcement discovered a decapitated Snorlax corpse just off Route 12, a conveniently vacationing Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told our sources he has no idea what happened.
“I’m sure the fake news media is going to have a field day with this, but I promise you I had nothing to do with that gruesome crime scene,” said the former presidential candidate, suspiciously covered in blood. “Sure, it sounds like something I would’ve done 20 years ago, but I’m a changed man, and no longer obey the parasitic worms inside my head.”
Kennedy and his wife, Cheryl Hines, told reporters they were only in the Kanto Region for a relaxing fishing trip after an exhausting attempt at the most powerful position in American politics.
“Robert and I love it here,” said the former “Curb Your Enthusiasm” star. “He reels in Magikarp off the docks and I film self-tape auditions back in our hotel room. Work has been hard to come by lately, for some reason.”
The Snorlax, who was beloved by local trainers, was often seen taking naps and blocking the path forward. Pokemon conservationists have advised against waking the sleeping giant and instead suggest taking an alternate route. However, unaware tourists and political dynasty nepo babies may not be aware of this endangered species protocol.
Kennedy’s relationship with dead animals has gone from bad to worse in the past few weeks after an unearthed interview with Kick Kennedy, his daughter, revealed her father chainsawed the head off of a deceased beached whale in Massachusetts, tied it to the roof of their family car, and drove it to their New York home back in 1994.
“Mr. Kennedy’s past history does indicate potential involvement in this case,” Officer Jenny told reporters outside the scene of the crime. “But we won’t know the full truth until he blabs about it on some right-wing podcast 10 years from now.”
At press time, the missing Snorlax head has resurfaced in the middle of Cycling Road.
How I Became a Homeowner at 17 by Opening the Sims 2 Cheat Menu and Typing “Motherlode”
BY Laura Lewis
Listen, I know we’re all tired of these types of stories. White teenagers get on TikTok and they detail all the financial decisions they made to buy a house—conveniently leaving out that they started with a tremendous amount of capital from their parents.
But I’m here to tell you that while the American dream may be dead, the SimNation dream is alive and well. Or, well, it was when I was in high school.
Here’s how I became a homeowner at 17 by opening up the Sims 2 cheat menu and typing in “motherlode.”
It started like any other day. I got home from school and opened the game on my Strawberry iMac, and had time to microwave a frozen MorningStar burrito in the meantime because it’s 2006. I spent about 90 minutes making a Sim look just like Chris Carrabba, then 5 minutes on a Sim that looks like me. They’re married, obvs, and I dropped them into the only house they could afford: the Ranch Retreat.
Chris and Sim Me took one look around and knew it wouldn’t do. They muttered some nonsense to each other, gesturing wildly, then Chris went in for a hair-tucked-behind-the-ear kiss (the first of one million that I’d make him do). It was there that I paused the game.
I chuckled to myself, brushing off crumbs of miscellaneous vegan bacon-matter from my Glamour Kills hoodie. These Sims had no idea what was coming.
I opened up the cheat menu with a combination of keys I learned from my buddy xxBexGonexWentzxx and dropped the MOTHERLODE code once, twice, then about 5 more times in a mad rush of greed. I then went straight into build mode and designed the most perfect goth Victorian home you’ve ever seen —complete with a swimming pool in case I got bored and wanted to throw my Sims in without the ladder (bonus: gravestones complete the look).
I know many of us can boast similar successes in SimNation in our teen years. So, if you, too, are a millennial distressed by an unchanging economic status while kids who can’t even remember 9/11 buy farm-door McMansions with their parent’s money, remember: it’s you who wielded the original mother lode.
