Hard Digest September 15: Early Access Smashed Guitars, Television, Chromeo, and More

Scientists Confirm Smashed Guitars Feel Pain

By Zac Lux 

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A team of scientists was left bewildered after a series of tests definitively proved that smashed guitars feel pain and anguish when smashed on stage, a new report confirmed.

“We discovered it by accident,” said lead researcher Dr. Leon Baker. “A few of us get together to jam after work some days. I had a few too many beers in me and smashed this old guitar across some industrial microscope. The guitar just started spattering around on the ground like some sort of epileptic lizard’s tail. Since then we’ve trialed over 400 guitars, as inhumane as it is, but at least they’re Squiers, mostly. Through these tests we’ve concluded that each guitar contains a complex nervous system between the headstock and pickups, however, it’s only activated when the output jack is plugged in. Otherwise it’s in what we can only describe as a state of ‘hibernation.’ It’s fascinating, really.”

This recent discovery has not only shocked the general public and normies, even famous guitarists have been stunned by this new information.

“In all my years, I had no idea,” quivered Swedish guitar legend Yngwie Malmsteen. “I’ve smashed countless guitars throughout my career, expensive ones, just caught up in the moment, you know? I guess I couldn’t hear the terrified screams of my guitar over the delighted screams of my audience. It’s been keeping me up at night, those sounds, they haunt me. Then there was the sporadic writhing of the neck after breaking from the body… oh God. I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Some are speculating that major guitar manufacturing corporations have known about this for years, and willingly withheld information from the public.

“Of course we didn’t know about it,” said Fender CEO Andy Mooney. “That would be cruel and unusual, to sell something with a fully intact nervous system that people unknowingly cause frequent pain to. But you know what else would be cruel and unusual? If we’re forced to lay off hundreds of employees, leaving families without food because we decided to stop selling our main driver of sales because it ‘might’ have ‘feelings.’ And who are all you to judge? As you wolf down your double bacon cheeseburger, those animals had feelings and you aren’t crying for them.”

When asked if bass guitars also feel pain, researchers across the board agreed that no bass player would ever be cool enough to deliberately smash their bass on stage, thus rendering the bass species of guitar safe.

Here’s Why We Should Decriminalize Watching the Next Episode of a Show That You’re Supposed To Be Watching With Your Partner

By Allegra Ringo 

The Pledge of Allegiance tells us there is liberty and justice for all. But is that true in present-day America? I don’t think so. And it won’t be true until we have decriminalized watching the next episode of a show that you’re supposed to be watching with your partner.

My fiancé Jed and I started watching Owning Manhattan together. Over the course of several nights, we would make dinner and then eat it while awash in the dog-eat-dog world of high-end New York real estate. But crucially, we never explicitly said we were doing this, much less put anything in writing.

When Jed went on a work trip, I carried on with season 1 episode 6, “Crazy Promise,” in which Ryan takes action when two real estate agents cross a line.

The next day, Jed came home. When we turned on Netflix, he dropped his entire plate of food on the ground. It shattered into pieces, like so many dreams of owning a high-end apartment in the cutthroat New York real estate market.

Jed asked me if I had watched the next episode. I couldn’t deny it—Netflix was narcing on me. I told him the truth: that I thought I was allowed to watch the next episode while he was out of town. I reminded him that we never said we were exclusive with this show. That’s when Jed walked out on me. And the day after that, I found out there was a warrant out for my arrest.

We cannot continue living like this. Some people argue that watching the next episode of a shared show can hurt your partner’s feelings. But what about my feelings of being stoned and bored on a Tuesday night?

There’s also an argument to be made that you should just wait to watch the episode until the next night when your partner is home. But this argument is not inclusive of those of us whose partners go to bed really early.

We as a culture need to admit that everyone wants to do this. Maybe it was taboo when Netflix introduced streaming in 2007, but that’s just not the case anymore. It’s true that there’s way more to watch these days. But everything sucks more now, and all the shows I’m watching by myself incidentally happen to also suck.

History shows us that we need to change culture before we can change policy. We need to take steps toward making it acceptable to watch the next episode of a TV show you’re watching with your partner. So go and watch that next episode of Summer Heat (2022). Your partner will just have to accept that you’re being the change you want to see in the world.

Chromeo’s High-Heeled Keyboard Legs Switching to Sensible Dansko Clogs

By Miriam Jayaratna

MONTREAL — Electro-funk duo Chromeo announced that they will be swapping out their long-legged keyboards’ signature red heels for Dansko clogs, which are considered the gold standard in ergonomic footwear, shocked sources report.

“In the early years of Chromeo, I’m embarrassed to say we were totally caught up in the aesthetics of romance. We thought females enjoyed expensive jewelry, ‘hot dinner in the candlelight,’ and generally pandering to the male gaze at all times,” said Chromeo singer and guitarist David “Dave 1” Macklovitch. “We saw our keyboards only as sexy finger candy and inanimate objects that didn’t experience pain, so we didn’t stop to consider their physical wellbeing. That changed when we decided to don high-heels ourselves for the ‘Juice’ music video. Those things really did a number on our feet. We realized if we couldn’t last a single day in stilettos, why would we expect our keyboards to endure them night by night? Seduction is ultimately about making someone feel good. And it turns out that those ugly-ass Dansko clogs feel amazing.”

Fans of the band are responding positively to news of the footwear change.

“It’s nice to see them evolving with the times. I started wearing Danskos and Crocs when I was like, 32,” said 40-year-old Chromeo devotee Rachel Bruder. “I always felt like those synths were being objectified. It’s about time Chromeo prioritized their comfort. And since they’re such style icons, I think this is going to make it more socially acceptable for the rest of us to rock out in rocker bottoms.”

Podiatrist Linda Droller noted that the orthopedic repercussions of high-heels are serious, and urged all genders and musical instruments to wear them minimally, if ever.

“In addition to bunions and plantar fasciitis, high-heels can throw off your gait and lead to more serious problems, like back pain, arthritis, and being called the ‘Carrie’ of the friend group,” Dr. Droller said. “Asking those poor keyboards to stand in heels at shows for hours on end was downright cruel. When a piano gets thrown out a window, it’s comedy, but when a keyboard’s legs give out onstage, it’s tragic. In the clogs, on the other hand, these ladies will be able to perform well into old age.”

At press time, Chromeo were trying hard to be supportive of the keyboards’ latest announcement: that they plan to stop shaving their legs.

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Houseplant Way More Hydrated Than Person Watering It

BY Jus Kaplan 

SEATTLE — A local Monstera deliciosa plant, lovingly referred to as MoMo, is decidedly more hydrated than Patty Girard, its overly doting plant parent, a source close to the plant has confirmed. 

“Ever since she got that poor plant last week, Patty has watered it every day at 9am on the dot. I told her it’s too much and that she needs to cut back like a lot, but she insists that there’s no such thing as too much water,” said roommate Louis Summers. “The funny thing is that I’ve literally never seen her drink water. In fact I don’t think I’ve seen her drink anything except iced coffee, or occasionally one of those Celsius things. Definitely not water though.”

Girard did not deny her own lack of hydration, but did offer another side the story about the plant. 

“I don’t love water myself, it’s true, but MoMo is a thirsty girl!” she said playfully, refilling a quart sized canister from her Brita filter. “I read online in a TikTok caption that the best way to keep a plant healthy and happy is to make sure its soil is constantly drenched.”

“I also heard that soaking banana peels in the water can help provide nutrients like potassium, so I’ve been mashing up bananas and spreading the paste directly on top of the soaked soil to trap in all the good stuff. She loves it!” 

MoMo the Monstera was decidedly less joyful about the situation. 

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE MAKE HER STOP. I’M DROWNING. I’M DROWNNNNNNNNNING! MY ROOTS ARE ROTTING AND MY LEAVES ARE CURLING AND I’M CONSTANTLY PRAYING FOR DEATH—HERS OR MY OWN. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST AND ENDS THIS AGONY!  AND WHAT IS THIS DISGUSTING YELLOW MUSH ALL OVER MY STEMS? CAN’T SHE SEE IT’S ATTRACTING BUGS AND STAINING MY FLESH?

At press time, MoMo had somehow managed to desperately inch its pot right to the edge of the 4 foot tall plant tower while Girard was lying down from a headache.